Going Crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Going Crazy.
8
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:07am
I don't post much but I do read everyone's posts daily. I feel like I'm part of the family.

Here's my situation. On Friday, H called from work and asked how "we" were doing (him and I) and I asked "what do you mean". He asked if I was still thinking about a separation and I said yes. (FYI-I'm the one that's been physical/verbal abused.) He says if that's what I want then let's just get a D and be done with it. He cried but was a little stronger this time than last. But why when I see him packing his stuff, I felt bad but relieved. Well, right before he leaves he pleads and begs once more for me to forgive him.

Well all this time I have OM in my mind and thoughts of how I would be able to spend more time with him. Anyway, H ends up staying which I do regret but what can I do.

I think about OM constantly. I love him so much. I cannot bare to be with H or for him to touch me or kiss me. All I feel for H is pity.

Well, Monday someone tells me they saw OM out dancing with a girl. I haven't brought it up to him because I'm M and he's not and I can't keep him from dating other girls. I'm not even sure I will ever leave my M. OM and I have never talked about that either. But I was so jealous, like I haven't been in a long time. I do think about a future with OM although that may not be possible.

Please give me suggestions on what to do. H says he will change and I do see changes in him but I feel like it's " too little too late". I love OM so much it hurts, I can't sleep at night. I know he feels something for me too although we never discuss it. How can I start a conversation with him around this so I know what he feels and how he sees us two in the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:42am
Hello Confused... I think what you will hear most is that you have to separate the two relationships. If you want to make things work with H, do so because of that R and what it means and what it's worth. Is there anything left to fix? You can't base staying with H on whether or not you are going to jump into something permanent with OM. The A has to be a completely separate issue. Please be fair to H. If you don't love him anymore, don't want to work things out, etc., etc., just cut the cord cleanly and walk away. Having been on the receiving end of a relationship where the other person waffled back and forth, I can tell you it is more painful than a clean break. At least once the break happens you can begin healing. I know it's tough to separate it all into compartments in your head and in your heart. I'm better at giving that advice than taking it, but I really think you owe it to yourself, to H and to OM to try and figure out what you want *f o r y o u r s e l f* then you can approach both R's more rationally. Good luck, hon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:15pm
Thank you Saturday.

Great piece of advice. That's what H tells me. If I don't love him anymore to just tell him and he'll have to deal with it. But he says I keep going back and forth. And I know I'm not being fair to him. (BTW-he doesn't know about A.) Says he can't take that anymore, the not knowing if I love him or not. Well, I do thank you for the chance to vent and for the wonderful piece of advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:52pm
OH MY GOODNESS! YOU ARE ME! Go back and read my posts '75, because you just repeated everything that I am going through. My H has cried and said he will change. I do see changes in him and I'm happy for that. I was the one abused. Now he wakes up, but 'too little too late'. I cringe when he tried to be affectionate (fyi, we haven't been intimate in months). I don't want him around. I think about the OM constantly and want nothing more than to start a relationship with him and live my life to make me happy...not just stay in my M because it is there.

One thing different is that my OM is waiting. He has told me he will wait for me until I am ready for him. He wants to start a life with me. We have had those discussions. I say in your case, go for it. Definitely talk to the OM. Let him know that although you want more with him, that isn't the reason you are getting out of your M. You need out to make you whole again. To get away from the abuse. No matter how much your H changes, what has happened in the past has brought you to a state of not loving him. Yes, you may love him still, but not how a W should love her H. That is where I am.

I have left my H. I am talking to an attorney about a D. It will be hard, but it is what is best. If the relationships works with my OM, its icing on the cake. If not, I will at least be out of a relationship that was just 'numb'. I'm guessing from your name you are about my age. Don't know if there are children involved, but I have none and determined that its better to do this now then wait until 5 years later when I feel the same and there are little ones to think about.

My H doesnt believe in the D - he said he will give me one if that is what I want, but he cries when he says it...tells me all will be fine...just give it time...ill wait for you...etc etc. That only makes it worse. When I finally got my own place (one week ago) I have never felt so calm and relieved. I'm still hurting - you don't end a relationship with someone after almost ten years and not hurt. But, I know deep in my heart who I am in love with and who I want to be with...and it is not my H. Call it a building block. Maybe I was put into his life to get him to wake up and get past his abusive ways and anger issues...maybe I was his wake up call. If nothing else, I'd like to think that I had a part in changing him for the better. That doesn't mean that we have to be together forever - maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I honestly believe that my OM is my soulmate and I do not want to ever risk losing that.

So enough about me. Talk to your OM about your relationship possibilities. Will he be there through the D? That is tough to take. Will he want to have something serious with you? If not, would you still be happy on your own? Don't back down and stay just based on what the OM says...stand up for yourself - do what makes you happy - and hopefully the OM will realize what a wonderful catch you are and tag along with you! ;-)

Please keep posting - I want to keep up with you since I feel like we are so connected already!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:03am
confused, so you're saying you'll leave your abusive M only if OM makes a commitment to be with you permanently? honey, you cannot even approach OM about that issue while you are still staying in a M you no longer even care about. how unfair is that? so he was out dancing with another girl. isn't OM entitled to live his life however he wants to while you live yours, taking your H back and staying with him even if you cannot stand to be around him?? sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

you have to make your own decision about whether to stay or go in the M. once you make that stay/go decision, then you can focus on your future, with or without OM in it. but there are absolutely no guarantees in this life. focus on your own future. OM will come to you and want to be part of your future if he perceives you to be moving forward strongly and without any pressure to start another R with him right off the bat. that's way too scary for a guy.

relax and make your own decisions based on what you want and need. for YOU!!

good luck,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:21am
Thank you follow & its my life. Both your posts were great. But why am I so scared to leave even though I'm not in love with him. I love him because like "follow" said I've known him over 10 years and he's the father of my children.

And I guess because I have 2 children, it makes it harder. But you know, I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for him. Will H be able to get over this, what will be of his life. I mean I worry because he is my kids' father.

I don't feel the same when I'm with H anymore. When I'm with OM, I feel like we become one, and he says he misses me when he's away from me and when he's laying down on his bed at night, he wishes I was next to him and that's exactly how I feel. This love hurts so much because I know I can't be next to him. And it's making the sleeping next to H unbearable.

I'm hurting so much. Follow, how did you do it? What did your family say when you left? How and when did you know that it was time for you to go? Please tell me more. E-mail me at janie_198@hotmail.com. We are so much alike.

Itsmylife-thanks for the wonderful advice, you know I really appreciate everyone's support because this is something just so hard to go through alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:46am
confused, you're not alone really. countless millions of us have gone through the exact same situation. i did and i survived and thrived. i left my M/H with several children and no $$, but i did it because i couldn't stand one more minute with him, not being loved, cared for, paid attention to, except for being the mother of his children. that only gets you so far, you know. there was much more to it than just that, but i stayed several years past the "expire" date on my marriage. and btw, your H will survive without you. believe me, he'll find someone else to take care of him and that he can pick on and make crazy. there all do, find another woman, i mean.

you have to decide for yourself whether you want to waste any more years, months, days of your life with a man you don't love and/or want a future with. make a plan, save some extra money in a separate account until you have enough to rent an apt., deposits on phone/electric bills, etc. and then just go. or ask H to leave. end it and move on with your life. you just have to take the first step and rest will happen.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:01pm
Yeah, I think about it all the time. There's lots of people out there that have gone through this. And I won't be the first or the last but I just never thought I would fall out of love with my H.

But you know all those years of his abuse, finally I realized what was happening. He is being so sweet and caring now but I can't bear it anymore. I feel like he's not being sincere. Maybe that's just what I want to see. I don't know. I am one confused puppy.

I think what I'll stay a little while longer to make sure I'm making the right decision and save some money like you suggested and be prepared.

My family is going to freak but at this point who cares. My dad left my mom for OW after 30 years of M. My mom was devastated but she got over it so H will have to get over it. Sometimes I think it's hereditary. hahaha!!! And I guess I worry about what my mom would say because she's on the same boat as my H but if my dad was not happy in their marriage, that's why he left. I couldn't understand him before but now I do perfectly.

Anyways, I'm rambling but I just feel so comfortable with all of you. Thanks for being there to listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: confused1975
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:05pm
hey, take your time and truly think about the entire situation. there's no rush as long as H is being nice to you. and we all "fall out of love" at some points in our Rs. the question is -- is it permanent? if that answer is yes, you must end it.

stay in touch confused and let us know how you're doin'. take care of yourself!

life