Going Crazy.
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| Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:07am |
Here's my situation. On Friday, H called from work and asked how "we" were doing (him and I) and I asked "what do you mean". He asked if I was still thinking about a separation and I said yes. (FYI-I'm the one that's been physical/verbal abused.) He says if that's what I want then let's just get a D and be done with it. He cried but was a little stronger this time than last. But why when I see him packing his stuff, I felt bad but relieved. Well, right before he leaves he pleads and begs once more for me to forgive him.
Well all this time I have OM in my mind and thoughts of how I would be able to spend more time with him. Anyway, H ends up staying which I do regret but what can I do.
I think about OM constantly. I love him so much. I cannot bare to be with H or for him to touch me or kiss me. All I feel for H is pity.
Well, Monday someone tells me they saw OM out dancing with a girl. I haven't brought it up to him because I'm M and he's not and I can't keep him from dating other girls. I'm not even sure I will ever leave my M. OM and I have never talked about that either. But I was so jealous, like I haven't been in a long time. I do think about a future with OM although that may not be possible.
Please give me suggestions on what to do. H says he will change and I do see changes in him but I feel like it's " too little too late". I love OM so much it hurts, I can't sleep at night. I know he feels something for me too although we never discuss it. How can I start a conversation with him around this so I know what he feels and how he sees us two in the future?

Great piece of advice. That's what H tells me. If I don't love him anymore to just tell him and he'll have to deal with it. But he says I keep going back and forth. And I know I'm not being fair to him. (BTW-he doesn't know about A.) Says he can't take that anymore, the not knowing if I love him or not. Well, I do thank you for the chance to vent and for the wonderful piece of advice.
One thing different is that my OM is waiting. He has told me he will wait for me until I am ready for him. He wants to start a life with me. We have had those discussions. I say in your case, go for it. Definitely talk to the OM. Let him know that although you want more with him, that isn't the reason you are getting out of your M. You need out to make you whole again. To get away from the abuse. No matter how much your H changes, what has happened in the past has brought you to a state of not loving him. Yes, you may love him still, but not how a W should love her H. That is where I am.
I have left my H. I am talking to an attorney about a D. It will be hard, but it is what is best. If the relationships works with my OM, its icing on the cake. If not, I will at least be out of a relationship that was just 'numb'. I'm guessing from your name you are about my age. Don't know if there are children involved, but I have none and determined that its better to do this now then wait until 5 years later when I feel the same and there are little ones to think about.
My H doesnt believe in the D - he said he will give me one if that is what I want, but he cries when he says it...tells me all will be fine...just give it time...ill wait for you...etc etc. That only makes it worse. When I finally got my own place (one week ago) I have never felt so calm and relieved. I'm still hurting - you don't end a relationship with someone after almost ten years and not hurt. But, I know deep in my heart who I am in love with and who I want to be with...and it is not my H. Call it a building block. Maybe I was put into his life to get him to wake up and get past his abusive ways and anger issues...maybe I was his wake up call. If nothing else, I'd like to think that I had a part in changing him for the better. That doesn't mean that we have to be together forever - maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I honestly believe that my OM is my soulmate and I do not want to ever risk losing that.
So enough about me. Talk to your OM about your relationship possibilities. Will he be there through the D? That is tough to take. Will he want to have something serious with you? If not, would you still be happy on your own? Don't back down and stay just based on what the OM says...stand up for yourself - do what makes you happy - and hopefully the OM will realize what a wonderful catch you are and tag along with you! ;-)
Please keep posting - I want to keep up with you since I feel like we are so connected already!!
you have to make your own decision about whether to stay or go in the M. once you make that stay/go decision, then you can focus on your future, with or without OM in it. but there are absolutely no guarantees in this life. focus on your own future. OM will come to you and want to be part of your future if he perceives you to be moving forward strongly and without any pressure to start another R with him right off the bat. that's way too scary for a guy.
relax and make your own decisions based on what you want and need. for YOU!!
good luck,
life
And I guess because I have 2 children, it makes it harder. But you know, I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for him. Will H be able to get over this, what will be of his life. I mean I worry because he is my kids' father.
I don't feel the same when I'm with H anymore. When I'm with OM, I feel like we become one, and he says he misses me when he's away from me and when he's laying down on his bed at night, he wishes I was next to him and that's exactly how I feel. This love hurts so much because I know I can't be next to him. And it's making the sleeping next to H unbearable.
I'm hurting so much. Follow, how did you do it? What did your family say when you left? How and when did you know that it was time for you to go? Please tell me more. E-mail me at janie_198@hotmail.com. We are so much alike.
Itsmylife-thanks for the wonderful advice, you know I really appreciate everyone's support because this is something just so hard to go through alone.
you have to decide for yourself whether you want to waste any more years, months, days of your life with a man you don't love and/or want a future with. make a plan, save some extra money in a separate account until you have enough to rent an apt., deposits on phone/electric bills, etc. and then just go. or ask H to leave. end it and move on with your life. you just have to take the first step and rest will happen.
life
But you know all those years of his abuse, finally I realized what was happening. He is being so sweet and caring now but I can't bear it anymore. I feel like he's not being sincere. Maybe that's just what I want to see. I don't know. I am one confused puppy.
I think what I'll stay a little while longer to make sure I'm making the right decision and save some money like you suggested and be prepared.
My family is going to freak but at this point who cares. My dad left my mom for OW after 30 years of M. My mom was devastated but she got over it so H will have to get over it. Sometimes I think it's hereditary. hahaha!!! And I guess I worry about what my mom would say because she's on the same boat as my H but if my dad was not happy in their marriage, that's why he left. I couldn't understand him before but now I do perfectly.
Anyways, I'm rambling but I just feel so comfortable with all of you. Thanks for being there to listen.
stay in touch confused and let us know how you're doin'. take care of yourself!
life