Going Crazy Need Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Going Crazy Need Help
6
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 1:37am

It took lot of courage for me to post here as i am not able to handle it on my own. I am MW in an A with a MM for 2 years. We work together and sit in the same hall, but he is part of a different group. Everything was ok, we even rented a place together and used to meet there for last 1 year, but this month he told me that because of financial issues and spending less time with kids(he was having fights at home with W for coming late), he can not afford the place any more and we have to vacate.


I was devastated as I was not ready to let go. Leaving the place means no more alone meeting time. I deeply loved him, he loves me too, we even got married but that marriage has no meaning in terms of society but for me he is my other husband. He always said that he would never leave his first marriage. I was ok with it, as there was no other option, I loved him too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 6:03am

I'm so sorry you are having this pain right now. I can relate. My MM has another AP and it's eating me up inside.

It sounds like there are a few things going on here. It doesn't seem to be just a girl chasing after your AP, it seems that she IS his OW. She is possessive of his time, she is critical of the things in his office. She spends alot of time attempting to be around him when you are around.....seems like she is as threatened of you as you are of her.

The fact that you are having to give up the apartment around the same time as he is spending more and more time with her is a red flag. The fact that he is telling you to see a doctor is a HUGE red flag that is waving like mad. He is trying to make it seem like you are crazy and need to see someone. Don't doubt your intuition. He has to be involved with this girl and now it is getting too complicated. He can't keep making time for 2 woman and still maintain life at home.

Do you really feel like it's over? In your heart, deep down, is it over?
I understand your pain.....I am there also but in a little bit of a different situation. Probably not as bad as yours.

Hugs,
J

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 7:36pm

I agree with jrcc...

The truth is, if he wasn't encouraging this woman, she wouldn't be following him everywhere. Think about it. If someone was being strictly businesslike with you, and not being overly friendly or flirty, would you bother following him? Truthfully if he really didn't want her to do that, he could talk to her and tell her to stop, and if she continued, he could actually put a restraining order on her (or threaten one.)

Follow your intuition, your gut. This is making you so miserable, and I don't blame you. It would be hell to see and feel this happening. Is there any way you could change jobs and just get out of the situation all together?

I really feel for you and hope you can get out from this situation!

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 2:23am

I also agree w/ the other posters. I think that your AP has taken on another AP. I wouldn't be surprised if she knows about you, that's why she pops up everytime you are alone w/ AP. If I were you, and I know it is so easy to say, but near impossible to do, but I would cut my ties w/ AP. He obliviously has no respect for you or himself. I would defintely get rid of that apartment, because he will end up taking HER there, if he hasn't already.

I promise you that I am not saying these things to hurt your feelings, because that's the last thing you need right now. But his behavior is suspect at best. He is trying to make it like your the crazy one so that he can deter the attention from himself back on you. If he can make you believe that there something wrong w/ you, then he must not be doing anything wrong. He is toxic, and that is not how you treat someone you love. This guy is the worst kind of cake eater. He not only wants his cake, and eat it too, he likes to take some home for later.

I am telling you staying in this triangle can only be bad news. If something happens and you go off, your going to loose your job, and then what will you tell H? Shoot your AP should be glad it's you and not me because I would have told his W on all of us, and about the apartment.

You should really try to find another job, and really put some distance between you and AP. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can find your way through w/ your sanity still intact. We are here if you need us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 2:42am

Thank you for taking time to read my post and writing. I thought of changing jobs, but that means not even able to see him and I am not sure I can live without him. My brain keep telling me to let go but I don't know how. I love him very much.


He told me that he has no feelings for her and he will just maintain professional relationship, but if she always takes seat next to him or run after him for a walk even when he doesn't call, he does not know how to respond to that. He is not sure how to say anything to her. This topic is making me so angry as soon as her topic comes between us, i start speaking bad words for her which I even don't like myself to say for someone, but in those moments i have no control over my anger. I asked him multiple times to please stay away and don't talk to her except work related, which he agreed but the other girl is not making it easy.


I also relaized that only option for me is to suck it up and tolerate this situation some how, since if I talk to her, or try to show extra attention to him in front of her that will just tell whole office about me and AP, and so far nobody suspects about our affair, this whole thing can backfire on us and cause a D day, so ultimately I am loser from all perspectives, if I confront her, then I am a loser, if I don't then I have to keep tolerating her behaviour and somehow control my emotions and maintain my sanity.


I keep obesessing about her and him and keep playing the scenes in my head, and i am not able to control my brain. I dread our weekly conferences as how she runs to make sure she can sit next to him, and seeing them sitting like that turns my stomach into knots. Even when he keeps one chair empty for me, I am not able to go and sit on other side of him. Am I too childish. He thinks I have become mad.


Is there a third option that without my confronting and without his confronting her this situation can be resolved.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 5:56am

I'm sorry hon but I agree with the others.

The ironic thing is that you say that the two of you got "married" and here you are feeling all those things the DW feels when she suspects DH is cheating (and yes, I've been both sides but b/f cheated so we didn't get to marriage). And your "DH" is doing the classic cheating spouse thing and telling you that *she's* chasing him, it's all in your head, and you're crazy...

If he can tell you to back off, he can tell her. If he's not telling her her behaviour is inappropriate (and let's be absolutely clear here, the behavious you have described *is* inappropriate in the workplace) it's because he doesn't want to. He's ignoring your feelings to have fun with his new playmate. Ok, he's already cheating on his real wife, but how can you love a man who has no problems flaunting his OOW in front of you?

You're wildly jealous, and I can understand that, we can all understand how it feels. But it's not going to end well for you. If you don't want confrontation you only have two options:

a) shut up and take it
b) tell him calmly that you don't want anything more to do with him AND MEAN IT

In both cases, you may find that talking to a professional helps you. *Not* because you're crazy but because you're a person with feelings and those feelings have been badly hurt by someone you thought cared about you. And you need to share and work through that with someone.

Sorry if this is harsh but lets face it - there are loads of guys out there happy to get into an affair and show their AP some respect. This guy isn't one of them.

D x

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 2:13pm
This situation is so bad, I feel so sorry for you. Slowly but surely you have to start to get yourself out of this relationship. You love him and it's going to hurt like hell, but it is a dead end, you have nowhere to go with him, it is basically over, he is just unable to tell you that.
(((Hugs)))