Going to lunch w/OM today - question

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Going to lunch w/OM today - question
10
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:31am
or more of a vent. (I haven't been around in a few months.)

it's his birthday - I told him I'd take him to a nice lunch - he accepted. things have cooled off considerably over the past 6 weeks since my H found out about my friendship (and phone calls) with OM - H doesn't know anything else.

I asked OM yesterday if he was interested in a "long lunch" for his bday and he said "we'll see" - I said if the answer is no then just say so - I won't be mad and he said "I didn't say that, I said we'll see" - I am starting to wonder if HE is feeling guilty or if he thinks it hurts me b/c he knows I am hurting my H by even talking to him.

I don't know - I guess I'll see what happens at lunch - we did share a very nice kiss last Friday and he initiated it - but most times we just go to lunch - talk about mundane things and that's about it. I try not to push him - we've agreed from the beginning that we are FWB only - nothing more, but the "benefit" part has been non-existent lately.

I am thinking of just ditching the whole thing - it's making me crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:54am
hi ts and welcome back.

since you initiated the invitation for lunch for his b-day, it would be kinda mean and nasty to rescind the invite because it's possibly just "lunch". so go, have a good talk, good food and enjoy his company. don't press him for more since he's obviously reluctant. seriously, just go and have a good time. relax and don't read more into it than just lunch. wish him a happy b-day and nice kiss goodbye and leave. he'll be wanting more when you don't throw it in his face.

relax and enjoy!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:06pm
that's exactly what I plan to do. if we were going to make a "pit stop" before lunch he would have to say something pretty quick when we leave the office, but I am not going to bring it up at all. oh and we work together and I went over and gave him his bday card (nothing mushy) this morning and he was sitting - I was standing and he kept staring at my shirt LOL, I mean my chest! It was very obvious and I almost said something but I didn't - I just said "happy birthday, I hope you have a great day" and walked away.

ps - I made sure I looked extra cute today! ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:15pm
that's it -- be confident and breezy, but not easy!! way to go girl. now don't make any pitstops before or after lunch. just lunch!!

have fun.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:21pm
ok - I'll just drive straight to the restaurant instead of driving by our "secret" place. It's just so strange b/c we haven't been together in almost 2 months and before it was about 2 times a week. I don't know - he still acts the same as before and I am the one that told him we should cool it awhile back but I have let him know several times that I'd like to be together again....

but you're right - not today!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:44pm
let us know how "lunch" worked out today!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:07pm
well, it was nice. I turned at the light instead of going straight at the light which he and I both knew meant we were going straight to lunch - neither one of said a word about it. We had good conversation and good lunch. Then when we got back to the car, I leaned over and whispered happy birthday and kissed him on the cheek. He said thank you as I put my seat belt on and put the car in reverse.

*sigh* I only wish there was a little hint that he still wants me even if he thinks he can't have me...

T's Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:32pm
hey ts -- but you told him you wanted to cool it and now you're a tad bit upset that he's actually cooling it. just like us women, can't make up our minds! kidding...

but seriously, aren't you getting the message right now? MM didn't take your bait and want more than lunch, and believe me, men are not that complicated. if he wanted to continue the A, he would have jumped at your other invitation.

go live your life, ts. MM wants to be friends, and nothing more than friends. sorry honey but he's making it loud and clear. you're just not hearing him.

take care,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:58pm
ok - let's say you're right; however this part confused me - we have continued to go eat lunch together 2-3 times a week - everyday that he doesn't go with his GF (when she works) he calls me asking if I want to go to lunch - if I tell him I have other plans or errands to run he acts like I've hurt his feelings by not going. He could go with a dozen other friends from work but he calls me to go?

I wish I could just ask him - but he won't talk to me about it.

Maybe you are right - thanks for the slap in the face, I needed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:23pm
aww, honey, it wasn't a slap, more like a nudge into reality. so let's look at MM's lunch habits, shall we?

MM wants to eat lunch with you or GF, whichever, doesn't matter to him, as long as one of you shows up at lunchtime. and poor baby, suppose you have other plans, like shopping or having lunch with another friend, MM has to eat by himself. that's pretty selfish and silly don't you think?

granted, i don't really know your story, but i can say that you're getting the short end of the "attention" stick from MM and you keep going back for more. do you like this type of behavior? would you put up with this behavior if it came from your best girlfriend? i don't think so.

and there's your answer to the dilemma of whether MM wants to continue the R. it's your call, not his. he's just playing along with you while you figure out that MM's out for himself only.

sorry if i upset you, but i've seen it a million times here and elsewhere. so i just say it, albeit sarcastically, but i still say it every time.

take care of yourself, ts. god knows, MM won't.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:37pm
Thanks Life. I have a lot of thinking to do. You know, I always thought he never thought of me outside of when we're together but just today he was telling me how he heard of a wreck yesterday on a road that he knows I travel going home and he said to himself "wow she's going to be mad that she has to sit through that" - I know that sound insignificant, but it meant something to me - otherwise he's been pretty clear that he will not treat me (even in private, except the sex part) like a GF or anything - he won't even tell me I look cute or pretty or even "nice". He says it's not his style. I knew this was coming I have been just trying to avoid it. I am moving out of town in a few months and I kept thinking I had time to get control of myself before one last goodbye - but I guess it's sooner than later.

Thanks again.