Going NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
Going NC
9
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:01am

I am married and have been having an affair for over 1.5 years now. We've been on and off the whole time, though. A lot of conversations, an emotional affair, BUT every time it was time to have sex, the OM would stop contacting me (he is also married.)

This happened 3 times, and he would always contact me after a few weeks and start everything all over. More promises. More involvement. Then he would back out.

Last time was different, though. He contacted me, said he was ready to go all the way... so we did. He seemed so sure that we would keep going. Asked me so many questions about my marriage and my future, if I want more kids, etc. It was wonderful. At one point, he looked at me with a very emotional look on his face and said "You... what am I going to do with you??" I wasn't sure what that meant, but he seemed confused.

A few days went by, I contacted him, he'd reply and tell me how much he couldn't wait to be with me again... but not set another date. Then I sent him an email ending everything and saying that I couldn't continue, I felt too guilty and liked him too much, asking him to never contact me again (first time I ever did this).

My question is... if this was all about sex for him, wouldn't he have kept the sex going?? We were always VERY sexually compatible, and when it finally happened, it was amazing and explosive - for us both. It was scary, really.

Was I used? Or is he feeling guilty once again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:15am
Confused, I don't think it sounds like he's in it just for the sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:58am

I agree with tinker that it doesn't sound like he just wanted sex. But it does sound like sex makes him feel very guilty and he pulls away. A lot of men (seems more men than women) have this pattern and it makes for a very hard A to handle for the woman.

Were you serious about having N/C? Was it just the way you felt THAT day or are you serious about it being over for good? If you are serious, the EAS (ending an affair support) board might be where you want to go. Not everyone can handle their technique, but they do all they can to get you through every N/C day, and everyone there has been through it.

If you want to stay here though, that's fine too! Hope we can help you out.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:56pm

To be honest, it was how I felt that day... And I wanted to have some control back. I could feel him pulling away once again and I wanted to be the one to end it, so that at least he'd have an image of me as someone who was feeling guilty. That's not true, though. it's my first A and to be honest, I haven't felt guilty at all. Being with him felt so right. I've had feelings for him for 3 years, but it wasn't until 1.5 years ago that I told him.

I just really wish I knew if he has feelings for me too and that's why he always pulls back.

I know he has cheated on his wife before, with someone I knew. And, from what I could tell, it lasted consistently for a couple of months (we all worked together, and he doesn't know I know). So why is he like this with me, always pulling back?? But always coming back? Because he has no feelings at all, or because he feels too much??

I know I have to stop obsessing at some point, but I'll see him in person in 8 weeks. So no contact is going to end then...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 2:42pm

CL,


I do not how you do this job...tough one, I am an EASer. I just happened to stop by here and saw someone was going to go NC and was hoping I was going to welcome someone to the board.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:12pm
What if he took your ending it as the truth and, even if he has to see you, still considers it "over"?



Because he has no feelings at all, or because he feels too much??



Can't answer, I can't read his mind. But it seems like a large part of him doesn't want this A. The push and pull is normal in some As, but it does mean the person pulling away is VERY conflicted and has to be drawn back in - not a position most people like to be in - to have to entice their AP back in! If that's the pattern, it usually continues. Can you handle that being the way this A always goes? That's what you have to decide - can you live with it like this?

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:15pm
When people here express a true wish for their A to end, I always recommend they "go over" to you guys, even if it's just to lurk at first. :-) I know you all care and do the best you can to get them through. Thanks for the regards, it is appreciated! :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 2:31am

Hi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 3:42am

Miss M! Wow, my questions really are that recognizable, huh! LOL

I love your advice, and you nailed it. But this is very out of character for him. I know for a fact that he has slept with another woman, at least one. And it lasted for a couple of months, while we all worked together (then I had a child, stopped working, then told him about my feelings and we've been doing this back and forth for a year and a half). So why is he only reluctant with me? That's what gets me. He had a full on affair with the other one. With me, he's so careful. (She and I are very different people, though. He actually said once, though in not exactly these words, that she was the slut and I was the good girl... and that was way before he ever knew how I felt.)

The more I remember the one time we had sex, and what happened afterwards, the more I think he got scared. That's what Softtouchmale thought too (you know him, right? He has like, 50% best answers!). Anyway, I can only rely on people online to advise me on this, there's no one in my life I would trust with this information.

Am I looking for a life partner? I don't know. This guy was actually the first one I've had feelings for since I've been married, and my husband was my first boyfriend. I've never even slept with anyone else (the guy knows this too.). He and I have very young kids. This came up when we were together, when he was giving me advice about where to go with my husband, I thought that was funny and he said he hoped that was okay because it was "the only way" - meaning, our relationship can never be more. I added that it was true, because we have small kids... and he agreed.

The funny thing is that NOT having NSA sex hadn't even occurred to me. But he said it in a sad way, so it had occurred to him... Now I've ended things with him because I could feel him pulling away again. I also acted like I felt guilty, so that makes me feel good too, that he thinks that. But now I can't wait until I see him again.

Am I unsatisfied in my marriage... yes, but only sexually. I truly have an amazing husband. But he's not the OM. Even if tomorrow he were to change everything in bed, it would do nothing for me. OM and I are TWINS in bed. It was unbelievable how much we had in common. My husband and I grow more and more different every year, in this aspect.

I don't think the waiting would hurt as badly if I knew that he stopped things because he felt guilty. I can handle that. I actually expect and want him to stay in his marriage. But I also want HIM.My heart would be a lot more peaceful if I knew that he was shying away because he felt too much. That's the only reason a man would turn down NSA sex, is it not?? I mean, as I said, if he only wanted sex, he would have kept it going. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: confused2231
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 12:44am

The only reason your questions were recognizable to me is because I have definitely BEEN there, even down to the husband who was my first and only (until 1st AP came along).