Good bye cruel world
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Good bye cruel world
| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:40pm |
Yesterday my OM and I spent some time together that as always was magical. Today he told me that his wife is really putting alot of pressure on him questioning him about where he has been. He can't take lying to her anymore so he told me goodbye.(on the phone) I made him meet with me and tell me face to face. He says he loves me but can't be with me. I am completely crushed. When I met him I was incredibly unhappy. He brought me to life. He made me feel so beautiful. I love him so much. I can't breathe. I hate this so much. It hurts so much. Now I get to go back to my sad life. It's no life so today I die. (not physically but my heart has been torn apart) I guess this is goodbye.

So you saw him the one day, the next day he says he's breaking it off.
He may change his mind again. If he loves you (and he said he did, right?) just give it time, I'm sure he'll be back. He'll maybe have to be a little smarter about choosing the times you spend together, but I'm sure if he figures it out, he'll be back.
Hang in there honey, we're all here for you. Go out there, and put on a happy smile and a brave face. Even if you don't feel that way, after a while you just may!! Take care,
Dusty
But I disagree with dusty when she says "if he loves you, I'm sure he'll be back."
I think holding that hope out is potentially very disappointing. If this was a short lived A and he has never really talked about leaving his W, I would think it VERY unlikely he will be back. Even if he's said he wanted to leave his W or anything of that nature, if he's worrying about sneaking around and getting caught, etc. then he doesn't seem to be in any way preparing himself for a departure or talking to her about time apart, etc.
And let's say that he has done all of this, i.e., told his W he wanted out, planned to leave and is preparing to do it. Still he told you he wanted it to be over. He didn't ask you to wait, he told you he loved you but he didn't want to lie to his W. That's his declaration, and holding out some hope that he didn't mean it or he'll change his mind will only prolong the time it takes you to begin healing.
You are no less beautiful or wonderful because of his decision. His choice to stay where he is and end things with you only reflects his battered but intact commitment to his M and the R he has built there. It doesn't mean you aren't terrific, it doesn't mean you didn't measure up... it just means that he has made a decision and is willing to live with it; it doesn't even mean he's happy with it.
Try to remember that there are things about you that drew him to you, that whatever he needed he found in you. You gave something meaningful to his life, and even if this is the outcome, you've shared something with him. Those are good things, those are things worth feeling good about because he'll take the value of the R he shared with you and carry that with him always. As will you. And at least you didn't have to wait through a wishy-washy meltdown or NC or some other thing that would further distort the good times you shared.
I know it hurts and it's a huge disappointment, but you're still the same great person he fell in love with... so try to do something for yourself to celebrate that. There's nothing wrong with you.
Take care of yourself... blow out that torch you have for him as soon as you can bring yourself to do so (I know, it won't be today) and start your healing when you're ready. Until then, we're all here to listen.
rain
take this setback in your personal life as a wake-up call, sweetie. find a nice single man (or several!) who is available to you and date the heck out of him!! time heals all wounds. your heart will heal, but your head will remember and hold you back for a time. after awhile you will naturally want to go out and have fun.
hold your head up and smile, even if you have tears running down your cheeks. go do something great for yourself - new shoes, a manicure/pedicure, anything that makes you feel better. one day at a time girl!!
hang in there and come back and let us know how you're doing.
life
But I think Rain is right.
You can't wait for him, he told you not to. His wife comes first. I think it is a generalization, but when it comes down to it, men are creatures of habit (sorry Rain, been reading your posts and you are different! and I know I shouldn't make generalizations) and hate change. If he says it is out of the question, there will be no changing his mind. There are so many factors involved in a family, a marriage.
Got to keep busy. Time needs to pass to heal the pain....time is the only thing that ever truly heals. So you need to buy time by keeping busy....hanging out with your friends who you feel most comfortable with, travel if you can, work, make new activities join new classes etc. A week will pass, then more, then more.....and you will find wow, I didn't think about him for 5 whole minutes at a time. And then you will think wow, I went 20 minutes without thinking it. And the time spans will get longer and longer until you are not thinking about him more than you are. That is hard to believe, and hard to accept when things are so painful. But this is grief, and you will need to go through the stages of it. From Kubla Ross - Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Let yourself feel them, you need to go through all of the to get to the acceptance part. But if you realize that what you are feeling is normal, it helps the tiniest bit.
Don't feel bad about going for help, to a psycholgist or trained professional if you feel more despondant than you can handle. If this is something you can't talk about with anyone (unique to an affair) you may really need that.
Good luck, I feel your pain so much! Life will be normal again, believe it or not, and you will be stronger and better for it.....hard to believe right now but you will.
We are all here to support you!
((hugs))
Circe