good girl gone bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
good girl gone bad?
3
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:03pm
i have always had issue with sex in my marriage, but i was willing to let it all go, cause i love him and we are good together. however after a really bad fight he said i was frigid, sucked in bed, and he coudn't stand having sex with me. needless to say i was devasted. i went away and when i got back we talked a lot, he said he was just trying to hurt me and did not mean it. we appeared to be making progress. but i had lost my sex drive and needed to re discover myself. i really wanted to have an a, but i was sure i would fall in love and end up heartbroken, so i decided to live out my s fantasies instead. i slept with my freind and her husband and a month later slept with the same freind and another guy. my h has just found out and has hit the roof. i don't know how to handle it. he says we should just have an open relationship and he is going to do what he wants from now on. he is convinced i'm a slut, and that is the real me and that i'm in denial. he is bitter, very disppointed, he says he put me on a pedastel and wished he had realised what a whore i am. the truth is i am struggling with sexual insecurity as a result of a decresed libido and the insults he threw at me. when he found out yesterday i was sad and felt terrible for hurting him, but now i'm just mad. he is coming home tommorrow and i dont know how to play it. any advice. btw i had never had a 3some before this encounter
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:52pm
Dear Btella,

It sounds to me like you have a lot of

issues between the two of you to work out.

On the one hand, I can certainly understand

how your desire for this man might not be all

it could be.

On the other hand, you state yourself that

you are suffering from a diminished sex drive.

There are a lot of things that can cause this,

I suggest you talk to a doctor first, just to

see if the hormones are all they should be and

such.

Assuming this works out, then the personal

issues between you two need to be addressed. A

counselor might do wonders, and might teach hubby

some tact.

It is interesting that you went from cold and frigid

to a slut in the space of a month or so. You didn't

say how the threesome went. If you were satisfied

and satisfying, I would say you have no problems

with sexuality in the general sense. You may have

personal issues that prevent this level of intimacy

with your H. If he would like to enjoy the wilder

you, he should treat you better. He doesn't sound

open minded enough to see this though.

I would like to think the threesome was not a

vindictive act of revenge on your part.

As for his return, I would tell him how you feel, the

problems you feel you are dealing with, and ask him

to help. It might be a watershed, I have no idea what

he will say. I hate to say it, but he seems more

interested in hurting you than working things out.

I think if you retain your anger, however justified, it

will only engender more anger. One of you needs to get

past the anger, and it might have to be you. You did

say you love him.

You have every right to your feelings and reactions, and

should be prepared to clearly tell your H how you feel

and why. This should include how you feel about him, sex

with him, and the threesome. I would normally never suggest

discussing the A with him, but since he knows, I am sure

the topic will come up again. Be prepared for it.

A divorce may be coming your way, I don't know. It might

not be out of place to devote some time to thinking about

that possibility and how you would best deal with it.

Good luck to you, let us know how it goes.

ditr


Edited 9/5/2003 10:02:26 PM ET by desertintherain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 6:25pm
thanks for that desertintherain, same person just changed the name (new to all this). To answer your question, the first 3some was awfull, i drank a lot and forced myself through it, believing that once i've done it once i'll be able to do it without guilt the next time. The second time was better, had 2 orgasms, but clitoral ones. I seem to be obssesed with virginal orgasms, i feel i'm not normal for not having them. Anyway, H's back and told me he is a serial cheater, and has been picking up and sleeping with womnen for about 5 years. 5 to 10 women he says. I am devastated. He seems to feel we should call a truce and just try to start again, but i do not feel like what i did even begins to compare to what he did. You are right about my sex issues being specifically with him. They seem to have gone and we are having great sex(but without the vo). But i can't get past all those women. should i call it a day, i don't think i can take much more of this.........................
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 12:23am
I know that this was addressed to another, but I couldn't help but respond. I too have never ever had a vaginal orgasim as you put it. It is normal, no matter what you may think. Alot of women can't have one during the actual act of sex. But whatever way it happens to me is good enough. It has to be, I felt odd at times. I really think that alot of women lie when they tell thier men they have them during sex. I don't, I'm upfront about it, because when you lie about it they have no reason to do anything about a problem they don't know exists. I've had b/f's think it was odd that I couldn't, but I think those were the ones that really had no idea if their g/f's had one or not. My soon to be xh was the first man that ever made me lay back and let him make me have one at all! And since then only the mm I'm seeing has been able to achieve that too. I'm very selfconcious about myself, you know, my body and such, so sometimes I wonder if that makes it harder for me to reach one. Anyhow, I really think you need to think if this m is even worth saving. If he's been cheating on you for that long & then has the nerve to call you a whore! OH NO! That just wouldn't fly! Stand up for yourself. Tell him that maybe if he made you feel better about yourself then the sex would have always been better. My soon to be xh knew about an a I had before we got m. He took every chance he got to throw it in my face. He called me whore, slut, & other not so nice names & phrases. He had a temper you wouldn't want to deal with on top of it. He had no qualms w/ pushing me around or down, that was forgivable, but my cheating was beyond that. Even though the only reason we got back together in the first place was because he said that he could get passed it. Then he marries me & throws it in my face all of the time. I had enough and I found someone who treats me better then my xh could ever have treated me. He loves me w/all of his heart & I him. Don't let your h treat you with so little respect. You deserve better. I don't say that I blame you for what you did. When you feel as low as you have, alot of things you wouldn't normally do, seem like a better idea. When the one that's supposed to love us and make us feel special, makes us feel like we are worth nothing to them, we look for it elsewhere & sometimes it isn't in the best places. I hold no judgements for your threesome, to each his own. I just hope you will stand up to h & think over your m. Maybe you two need to be apart longer, see if you would be better off without one another. I would go to see a therapist. I have & she helped me see stuff you don't want to see and somethings you just don't see through your depression. It's nice for someone to listen and not judge. It's something to think about. I'm sorry you are having such a horrible time now, I hope things get better soon. Be strong & don't let h treat you like that! You deserve so much more out of life. Goodluck.