Guilt!
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| Wed, 01-14-2009 - 12:29pm |
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, and maybe my case is particular, but I actually have a good M and I really love my H. This whole situation with AP started when H was in a tough period at work and I was feeling neglected. The A was at first an EA, then it moved on to a PA, but AP lives really far away, so we only see each other once every month or two.
Thing is, he's planning his next trip to see me, and I just feel horrible right now. Things are back to INCREDIBLY GOOD with H. H is wonderful, our M is going so well, and even though I love AP (I haven't told him, but I love him), I feel more stressed about him coming here than I feel excited about it.
I don't want to lose H. If H found out, it would be total s*** hitting all kinds of fans.
But what do I do? Things are so sweet with AP, and even worse, I am the one who came on to him and seduced him (he's actually pretty upstanding and would never have gotten into this if I hadn't been so persistent).
I feel like a bad person.
I don't want to let down AP. He didn't need me to lead him on and make him fall in love.
I don't want to lose H.
I can't break it off with AP. Not just for him, but also because I would feel like something was ripped out of me.
Same about H if he found out and left me.
I almost wish AP wouldn't come here so I could keep it all virtual and not run the risk of getting caught.
I feel sick, upset, guilty and angry and am basically unable to work or do anything fun. (I keep bailing on my friends.)
Any thoughts are welcome...

no answers. just letting you know i can imagine how you feel. i have had those moments of conflict. and keeping everyone in the appropriate (although imaginary) box is the way we make it work.
the Best Course is to tell AP how you feel, i.e. conflicted. he needs to know that to keep the relationship between you honest but also to prepare if you decide to end the A. however the Best Course is not always the Easy Course or the Least Painful - and so i can see where the least painful answer for you both seems to be to follow through with the meeting. but in truth, you are sparing him possible pain yet freaking yourself out - so what good does that do him in the long run if your meeting is disappointing and he doesn't know why?
did i just talk in a circle? if so, just go back to the beginning where i said "no answers."
how long until his trip?
Mrs.
It sounds like you are at a point where you need to make some choices.
Things are great with your H, better than they have ever been? Do you realize how very few people can actually say that and mean it? So, I will ask you why telling your long distance AP that it is over is so difficult. I get the A draw. Believe me, I do. But your AP is someone you see once a month at best and whom you see only the good sides of. You don't live with him 24/7 and you have no way of really knowing what *that* would be like. Yet, you do know what it is like with your H and you are happy there. You love each other. It seems that the impending visit from your AP is causing you way more stress than something you are looking forward to should. You had an affair as a means to deal with a bump in your marriage. Now that bump has been weathered. Sure there will be other bumps, but maybe next time you will choose a different coping mechanism.
Or you can continue in the A.
Wow. You're both right. AP is coming here in two weeks. His directness and show of his intentions is throwing me off kilter--I thought I was the one going after him. Now it's like I got what I wished for and I am paying for it.
I know that I shouldn't have him in my life. I know that I want to be with H and not be lying (it's easier to lie when you're just e-mailing and calling, it's harder when you're meeting up in secret when he's actually there). But why did I do this to AP? And why do I keep pretending everything is all right when he talks about coming here, when really I feel like hell?
And yeah, I do know that if I had a "real" relationship with AP, he would drive me crazy. He's very anal-retentive, which is the opposite of H, and I think that would become a problem fast.
I guess I have to start preparing him for me not being with him, but I just don't know how to do that. Everything has been so sweet between us. He's a good guy. Our physical relationship is incredible.
And, like I said, I love him and this is going to hurt.
i mean this in the nicest way, with sadness in my eyes: keep telling yourself it won't hurt as much as possibly losing DH. or lying to two men you love.
Mrs.
I think you have your answer staring at you in the face in the form of your love for your husband and your guilt. It's hard to hurt somebody's feelings. Nobody likes doing it, unless they're a sociopath. But sometimes it just has to be done. Look, you are SO lucky to have a husband that you love and a marriage that is great. If you continue with this affair, as the clock ticks, the odds get more and more stacked against your favor that you will be discovered. From that point on, your marriage will be irrevocably altered. Maybe even destroyed. You just never know how a spouse is going to take it. Some never recover from this kind of betrayal.
I know that this affair brought some great feelings to you. But in the end...are they worth possibly losing a man that is your life, your husband? Really? I highly doubt it. You just have to do the right thing. It'll be hard, it'll hurt, but you WILL get over it, and when you come out on the other end, you will be so much happier and better for it. Picture it like this.....you stay in the affair, you get discovered, and your world looks like that of the tornado's effects on Dorothy's house in the Wizard of Oz. Or, you end the affair and find yourself in the colorful world of Oz. Because you say that your marriage is incredible, there is really no other feedback I can, in all good conscience, give you but to end the affair. And sooner rather than later. Keep us posted!
As for you being the one that made the first move, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you didn't hold a gun to his head.