Guilt and Regret.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Guilt and Regret.....
4
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:50am
.....are a waste of time, I think.

Yet, I have noticed that many men seem motivated by these emotions. Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 12:22pm
I am not a man and I don't know what context you are talking here. I am assuming feeling guilty about leaving their homes for their AP, or even spending time with them.

In my case even though it was an arrainged marriage, I entered with the promise to love (or learn to) until death do us apart. It doesn't matter if you married for love or for your family - a marriage is a marriage. A husband is a living feeling, person who will be hurt all things considered.. It like being trapped with the wrong person, but not necessarily a bad one. That's why there is guilt and regret in my case. Hope that made sense... Its confusing to some but guilt is definitely at crux of matter in my A when is comes to leaving my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 9:37am
Hmm. Men are motivated by this? And it's a waste of time? OK, I'll argue.

Guilt and regret are some form of conscience mechanism. If there was no guilt and no regret to keep me in line, believe me, I'd be out hurting people left and right.

I'd have had an affair the first time a woman flirted with me regardless of being married. I'd have kept doing it over and over until my W finally left me, and then I'd have kept sleeping with random women as they presented themselves. I'd tell them whatever it took, making whatever promises necessary to keep having them around to go to dinner and movies with, to maybe do some of my laundry, and, um, oh yeah -- to sleep with indiscriminantly.

If I didn't feel guilty about being a real bastard, I would lie to pretty much everyone in my life and then proceed to squeeze from them every bit of usefulness. I'd follow humanity's natural instinct and pursue happiness on my own terms regardless of who I hurt. And if there was no regret, I wouldn't have to feel bad about any of it, I'd just move on.

Waste of time? On the contrary, I'll suggest that it is the stress and anxiety of possibly doing something we'll regret or feel guilty about that keeps us from descending into anarchy and each living for ourselves.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:22am
Thanks, rain! I think the difference in our outlooks is that in my view I see guilt and regret as wasteful in that these emotions necessarily look to the past and the past cannot be today changed retrospectively. Thus, the reason I said that is that I see many men that seem to have gotten married to the wrong person, but feel that they are trapped in a bad situation because the guilt and regret of being in that situation in the first place gives them some sort of inertia about leaving. I have often wondered if that is because men believe that to leave is somehow a mark of failure. I have noticed this not just in my EMA, but in the many male friends that I have. That is not to say that women do not feel this emotion; to the contrary. I mean that statement to be in that narrow context.

Your comments are interesting, though, since guilt and regret are indeed a conscience mechanism for the broader context of living. But, does guilt and regret portend the future- is it only the possibly foreseen potential for guilt and regret that keeps us from doing wrong? Or rather, is it compassion, upbringing, an inherent sense of right and wrong...etc.

Perhaps I am wrong, but I believe that the potential for guilt and regret do not compel us to behave, or not behave, a particular way. In my view, many other things do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:41am
In the English Language "Guilt and Regret" have so many definitions and can be used in many different contexts.

My guilt comes from my upbringing in the Church. Sitting and getting preached about straying outside the marriage. Sometimes I think that I should walk around the city with a big "A" on my chest now! But, I also think that is a moral issue that I battle within my marriage because it has been dead as a door knob, and I should have left it a long time ago. (Thank God my name starts with a "J" when those letter shirts were so big last year. I haven't been as active in the Church since I have been having the Affair, but I havent stopped the kids from going and attending their activities because of my actions.

The regrets?? None. I have been given the self-esteem back that my H has taken from me slowly year after year through his drinking and verbal abuse. He ripped me from all my self worth, self respect, and made me think that I wasn't worth a pot to piss in.

Now I'm back in school. Know that I'm smart by getting my nursing degree and on my way to bigger and better things in life, not only for myself... but the kids as well. Without my MM pushing me on and reminding me of my talents I doubt that I'd be where I am today! Happy and doing for me!

jen