Guilt: getting between MM and his W

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Guilt: getting between MM and his W
12
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:55pm
Okay, here's my situation. i am seperated for nine months heading toward divorce. No chance,no desire, to reconcile. MM has been in the picture the whole time, helping me through. MM: going through rough times with his marriage last may...we met, fell hard, i left my H, he talked about leaving his W, and decided to (long after i had made my decision to get out of a bad marriage -read- no regrets on my part for leaving M). In the fall he changes his mind, can't leave 20 year marriage. i totally understand although i am heartbroken. We stay together. We love each other. W has known about me almost the whole time.

After W hears he is leaving, W reconsiders her attitude and actions (apparently). She decides to fix things and basically does. He isn't 100% happy, but things are good again. Had he been feeling this way back in May, i woudln't even be in the picture IMHO. Now i can't say things are perfect, that they don't still have problems, they do, but not to the extent it was back then. W does NOT want him to leave, he has decided he isn't, and she basically doesn't push him about leaving me, cuz she's afriad he'll just go altogether if she does.

Now i told him a long time ago they needed to fix their money problems and talk some mroe and things would be better. Now he realizes i was right (why coudln't he realize that BEFORE he told me he would marry me?? GR.)

i digress. So today here we are. He loves me and wants to stay with me. We spend alot of time together (see each other almost every day, talk, chat, email every day, share everything basically). i am happy with our set up until i decide to date and stuff.

The problem is, i feel overwhelming guilt that if i weren't in the picture, they could be happy, like REALLY happy. i mean in some sick way i helped them find their way back to each other. i almost feel like my job is done. My purpose in the "big picture" has been fulfilled. i should wish him well and step back.

The problem with that is i love this man so very much that i cry as i type this. i am happy when i am with him. My little chats and emails and trists with him light up my days. i am working on building a new life... since the Divorce everything has changed. i lost soooo many of my old friends including my best girl friend. My ex isn't nice to me... i can't call him to ask him to look at the wash machine or anything like that. i have no contact with his family anymore. i am living and feeling alone for the first time ever and it's very hard for me.

i helped him through his time, and i feel like he wants to help me through mine. He says i shouldn't feel guilty, he spends time with me becuase he wants to, he drives to my house, none of which he HAS to do. He doesn't want to abandon me or lose me right now because he loves me.

Yet i feel like i am holding him and his wife back.

Do you have any advice? do you guys think i am nuts? Thanks for hearing me out. it's so complicated, almost impossible to put into words.

Thanks guys

jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:09am
Jen,

Being the religious person that I am, I would just say don't let this voice inside you go unheard. Just pray to God (or karma or fate) to guide you to the right path and make a good choice.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:47pm
Hi, Maygan... personally, I don't think anybody is doing anything to me. I'm responsible for this choice I made. And I'm willing to take the hard times (when I would like to be the only one) for the wonderous, special, out of this world times we share because he's in my life.

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