A guilty mess-need support please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
A guilty mess-need support please
4
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 2:25pm

Hey there,
I haven't posted her in a while, and for some time, I was actually posting on EAS, because i was trying to end my A. i started feeling overwhelmed and unable to maintain NC. My x AP was constantly trying to be in touch with me, and i felt horrible cutting him off. i also hated the idea that the "only way to end an A is NC", so i pulled away from EAS and decided to collect my thoughts.

now i'm here, because although AP and i haven't been physical in ages, we've been in touch, so its not "totally over". well, i went over to AP's house today (we had the day off), had lunch together, and wanted to talk about how i felt that we needed to cut contact. i wanted to do it in person.

BIG MISTAKE. as we're having lunch and chatting, his wife walks in. guess she decided to come home for lunch. she had an angry look on her face, and just asked me to leave. as i was walking outside, i heard AP say "hey, we weren't doing anything, just having lunch" and she was like "i dont care what you were doing, you cant bring that woman into my house". AP had a pseudo D-day a few months ago, his wife confronted him and he admitted that things had gone on between us, but wasn't totally forthright about the extent of it. regardless, she knows me as the "other woman" and, reasonably so, doesn't want to see me.

i stood outside waiting for AP while the two of them talked. then they both came out and she basically said to me "i have a lot i'd like to say to you, but all i'm going to say now is that if you come to my house again i'll have you arrested for trespassing. you should be ashamed of yourself".

and that was it. AP and i took a drive and chatted. i told him it had to end, and told him that his wife's reaction just reinforced what a destructive mess this has all been. told him i need him to respect that, and he said okay.

now, im sitting in my own house, full of self loathing and hatred. this morning i was feeling like i was taking a step in the right direction, with more resolve than i had ever felt. and now, i feel like the most horrible woman on the planet. my AP's wife is a good woman and didn't deserve to be cheated on (does anybody?). their marriage was not a happy one, but its not because she was horrible, its just that they weren't right for each other.a nd that poor woman had to come home and see ME in her house! for that, she was surprisingly civil.

i hate myself. i cannot believe how many people i have hurt, all to pursue my own selfish desires that have ultimately led me no where. i wish i could erase this entire day. i cannot believe my complicit participation in the destruction of another woman's life. if our positions were reversed, i would have flipped out on whoever was in my house. and she's right, i am terribly ashamed of myself.

so,if any of you have been in a similar situation, felt guilty towards the betrayed spouse, or anything like that, i'd love to hear your stories. all support is appreciated.

~exi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 3:45pm
I dont have any words of wisdom but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are all dealing with this. It is something all of us in this kind of relationship may have to experience at some point. Just start today turning your life around and moving forward in the direction you know you need to move toward. I wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 3:49pm
thank you fwb :) support in any form is welcome. you are right, coping with the guilt of what this is doing to others around us is a very serious part of having an A. i am trying very hard to move forward, but man the guilt is killin me. thanks for your kind words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 7:24pm

I'm so sorry this happened to everyone involved existentialist. For you and for your AP's wife. I can't believe he tried to weasel out of it by saying "we weren't doing anything". Technically you weren't having sex, but you were IN her house, having lunch with her H, and he INVITED you there. As if all that should be just forgiven or forgotten because she didn't trip over you having sex? It sounds to me like she is more upset at her H than you however. That's why she was able to stay civil to you. HE'S the one who invited you there, and he's the one who married her and made vows to her.

Anyway, I can totally see why you need to end this, and you shouldn't let what happened change your mind about that. You were feeling "in control" and powerful because you had made that choice, so don't let guilt or self hatred make you feel like you change your mind.

I don't have any similar stories, but if you read the "d-day" thread down below in "resources" you'll find some. And some people around here might have something to share. I always strongly recommend that people stay away from their homes with their APs because of stories like these! Sometimes there can even be violence involved, and that's a horrible thing.

Maybe you should go out and out NC again exi. Maybe this time it will "take". I know EAS can help you there.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 9:44pm

thank you lexi. i think my AP's wife was angry with both of us. she knew about the A, and they are separated, but we are always more loyal to our spouses aren't we? especially as women, we hold the "other woman" more responsible, as f'ed up as it is. she told me if she ever saw me on her property, she'd have me arrested for trespassing. she told him she was disgusted with him and that his behavior was "unbelievable". she's right on all counts.

i am still serious about ending things, and the reasons are getting clearer and clearer. i just feel so much guilt and self hatred for all the pain i've caused. and once i told AP it was over, he was a mess, talking about how he's lost everything in his life. so now i feel guilty for hurting HIM!

ARGH!