? for the guys and general whining too

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
? for the guys and general whining too
10
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:44pm
Hoping


Edited 10/19/2004 1:56 pm ET ET by whatnow04
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:36pm
bumpity bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:24pm
I have a similiar situation. My MM works near me. We usually see

each other at his office. We can only be together when his

co-worker is not their, which is only about twice a month for an

hour or two.

I do get e-mails similiar to yours. This has been going on about

5 months now, have known him as a client only previously to that

for about 3 years.

It is very hard to get such nice e-mails, but when I bring up

having lunch, or a drink after work, or a weekend sneaky, he

seems to get nervous, I just want to see

him, even for only a few moments.


Every time I suggest seeing him, it is also golf, or sports related

I am left out.

Can any of the guys out there advise us how to handle this, or do the

MM not really care to be with us at all, except for some fun......

Would appreciate any input from any MM, maybe then we can make

a decision on how to handle these manners.

Thanks everyone,

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:30pm
Hmm. Your MM doesn't sound like he's quite sure what he wants.

Do you know why he got into this A? Has he expressed what he wants from you?

Does he seem to come back more when left alone? Maybe he needs you to feed his ego more than anything else.

You might think about determining what personal styles and personality types you two have. It sort of sounds like you might be on opposite sides, which would get the attraction going but make maintenaince kind of difficult. Plus, if you find out more about his personal style and personality traits, you might be able to learn to make him at ease and get more communication from him. I'm not saying manipulate him, but learn how he functions, learn what his comfort zone is, then you might be able to get him to open up a little.

This is hard, I know. My W and I are opposites on the Meyers-Brigg and we tend to struggle like this a lot. I had to be the one to learn how to communicate between us because her personal style just didn't allow for it. You might find the same is true for you, I don't know.

Probably not really words of wisdom, but still... those are the only words I have.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:40pm
Ditto to what rain said. Don't be constantly complaining. Get out of it and get another! ha!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:41pm
Girls, I feel like I'm bearing bad news... when I dont really know the situations.

It really sounds a lot like these MMs are flirting, and once in a while having some fun to boost their egos. I know, men suck; we're men, it's how we are for the most part.

I can honestly only relate my own experiences.

I've flirted. Not heavily, and not repeatedly in email like these guys have. But I've flirted and had that returned. However... if one of those women had suggested a meeting or drinks or anything else... I wouldn't have done it. Being in a marriage there is a lot to lose, and if it's mostly flirting he probably won't risk whatever he has for an unknown quantity -- you. I would never have chanced throwing away a M just to roll around with someone that may or may not be motivated to ruin my life. Sorry, I'm just trying to be objective. You may not be a psycho woman, but I bet you know one... and men can't usually tell the difference until it's too late.

Sports is the optimum choice for an out because it instantly excludes you. If you ask if the MM cares to be with you at all... then I'm guessing he hasn't expressed that he really wants to nor has he initiated any "risky" contact because he was dying to be near you. That may point in the direction of your answer.

For my part, even when I couldn't see my OW every day I made sure I let her know that I wanted to. I called, I emailed (and not just sexy emails) and I asked her how her day was. I didn't do it to prove anything, I did it because I care and I really wanted to know. I wanted her to feel as secure as reasonably possible given our situation. She and I were (and are) in a relationship, albeit a complicated one, and that's the way I personally think relationships flourish -- merciful honestly and clear communication.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:42pm
lol... ditto, juliet?

quite complaining? get out of it?

sheesh, I didn't mean to say *that*.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:44pm
LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:28pm
Thanks for the input Rain - you are insightful as always.

I don't want to seem as if I'm making excuses or trying to grasp at straws (although it's quite possible that I am!!) but MM does send general emails checking in. Since we began months ago, not a weekday has passed that he's not emailed something and many times it's as simple as "hey are you in today? hope you're having a good day". He's also made it a point, when we supposedly were trying to be "just friends" of wanting to be there for me while I was struggling with personal issues. He tells me to call him if I want to talk. He emails over the weekend at times (we can access our work systems from home).

I do think that he cares. Although he's only been married for 2 years (in May) and I know he truly loves his W. He gets freaked out by his attraction to me and is king at burying his feelings and thoughts - he's told me this and I've seen it.

Neither of us is looking to leave our marriages. This is pretty physical, although there is affection.

I guess I'm just too willing to find time to see him and when he starts really feeling the guilt, he pulls back. I'm just a bit hurt and frustrated today. Thanks for listening.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:34pm
Rain

I think that is great that you make sure you keep in touch even if it isn't sexual. We women need to feel "special" no matter what the situation. My MM said once to me that he is a very loving person, yet even though I know he has a demanding job I still wonder why he doesn't email or call every day or even w/o initiation from me to jus tlet me know he is thinking of me. I lose interest every now and then because of this

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:56am
Thank Rain:

My situation is that we have known each other professionally over

3years, business only. This is not someone who I have

just met. We have spoken and e-mailed each other for

the past 3 years, so it is not like I am wierdo. We are both

very successful people, and in our 40's.

The situation is that we are both M, me over 18years and he

over 10years, were not in our 20's, and have thought alot

about our situations. We do not have children.

He walked into my office one day to pick something up from our

office, and wanted to meet me, since we have spoken so often in

the past. That is when I went head over heals, and he had

said the same in return. So there is a mutual, respect for


each other and each others lives. We both do not want to

hurt anyone, it is purely a physical attraction, and very strong.

Maybe we are both going thru the midlife crap, I don't know.

We both keep our private lives private. We have met for drinks and

it was very professional. He did invite me over to his office

and that is when the first kiss happened. That was all that

happened. We both know we should stop there.

In the mean time we are trying to maintain our professional

relationship, but both are aware how the passion keeps mounting.

That is what we are fighting, the passion. I don't know, how

would you handle this, the desire is still there when we

both speak. He and I do not want to ruin our lives.

we have alot invested, not just the material, but also

the commitments we have made to our spouces

We both have never strayed before, nor have I ever

kissed another in my 18years of marriage, until now.

Thanks for your input, maybe now you can understand a little mo

re about my situation.

Thanks for your time,

Bunny