Guys' Point of View Needed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Guys' Point of View Needed....
21
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:45pm
I asked my MM to give me some insight on what path our relationship is on. As you already know, I'm going through a divorce right now and (not splitting up because of the A - my STBxH doesn't know about MM) MM has been a rock for me through this. We've never really had the "relationship" talk....but I did want to know where he put me in his life. Is the R for "fun" or is it more serious (which it is).

He replied "As far as what the future holds, you need to know that I plan to be a part of your life...who knows in what capacity that will be...but since the most important part I can have in your life is friend, that's what I will always be, no matter where life takes both of us in the future..."

Could someone help me with this? I love him with all my heart, but I want to be realistic. I have told him that I don't expect anything from him just because I'm getting divorced. I want to just have him in my life in whatever manner he needed. I know he needs time because of his marital situation, but his reply is a bit cryptic.

Any insight, guys?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:58pm
I'm not a guy, but from what you said, I would feel comforted by his words. On the one hand he's telling you how important you are to him and he wants to be part of your life.

On the other, he is not making false promises or ones that he cannot keep. Plus maybe he's thinking that you may meet someone else down the line after you are single.

Give it time and see what happens. But I would have taken what he said to be a good thing.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:01pm
Not a guy... lol, but I think it means that its doesn't matter if you end up with him or not he wants you in his life always as a friend, if not more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:02pm
My take on that is your MM wants you to be happy no matter what path YOUR life takes -

but I am no guy...so maybe it could be interpretted some other crazy way that I don't know about and if so please let me know so I can get the giggle....

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:05pm
hi nry -- his reply is pretty cryptic isn't it. but sounds to me like MM is covering all the bases. he, of course, wants to be a part of your life and to be "there" for you during this stressful period (the D). but he's not planning on leaving his M and having a permanent R with you. sorry, but that's how it sounds from what he said. at least he's being honest with you. and good for you for asking straight out.

nry, you are in control of your life's course now. you are guiding your life now. unfortunately, MM is still controlled by his M and the responsibilities of that situation. MM will always be around for you, if you let him. it's all up to you honey.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:12pm
Well finally you get what you wanted...a guy's opinion. I have to say, though, that I'm not sure it will differ that much from what the ladies have added so far. I like to think that ultimately we're not really all that different. Be that as it may, my take on what he said is kind of a combination of the two different types of responses you've gotten. I think he does love you and wants to have you in his life. However, he is clearly not ready to leave his M. Whether this is enough for you is the question. I suspect that for now, it is. You're going to have to accept the time and support that he can give you while still being married I'm afraid. You knew this risk going in. Maybe down the road he'll change his mind and realize he too wants out of his M. But you have to accept the fact that that won't happen right now. If you want more, I'm afraid you may have to say goodbye and move on to find a R that can be what you want it to be. I know none of this is easy and I hope you find the peace of mind and happiness you deserve. Be strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:13pm
MM is separated from his W right now...but I told him I didn't expect anything from him right away (just because of my D). I don't want him to feel pressure that isn't there. However, I do need to know where I stand right now. I just talked to him and he sounds so light...so happy right now. I joked that he must think I'm a bit nuts for always talking about my feelings, but he knows that's just part of my makeup...I am just very open with how I feel. I love what we have now....how we're going about things now, but I always look to the future. I told him I just didn't want him to run away from me thinking I expect more than I do right now....at this moment. He said he'd never disappear from me in his lifetime and that if he did, he wouldn't be worth my time anyway. Just thought these words might give you guys some insight as to how our R works right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:18pm
I think he is telling you quite a bit there. He's not running away. I guess I didn't realize he was separated. Perhaps you two will be able to build something as you gain some distance from your D's (assuming he gets one). It is always good to grieve one R before starting another.

The only thing I would say concerns me is you two don't seem to communicate in the same way. Are you sure he wants the same things out of life you do? I know you love him and that is obviously crucial. But as many of us have discovered, love isn't enough. I don't think he sounds like a bad person at all, I just hope he is able to open up and share his feelings. You don't want to be married to him down the road and have to pry his feelings out of him.

But I think he is probably just being cautious. He doesn't want to promise you something he won't be able to deliver. Give it time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:19pm
Cryptic? Not at all. He was open and honest with you and didn't want to make false promises, and I have to commend him for that - he doesn't know whether or not the two of you are going to have the future together, he is not ready or willing to discuss this at this point, but he cares deeply for you and would like to always be a part of your life as a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:23pm
that's cool nry. MM obviously cares for (dare we say "Love") you. and he wants the best life has to offer for you. you are indeed making the way easy for MM by being so loving and undemanding. if it works for you, go for it. i hope you achieve your heart's desire, whatever that is!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:13pm
NRY, its the best thing that a MM can say to you. He is not wanting to get your hope high or giving you old line of "I promise to leave my W" and never leaving. He is going to try his best to get closer to you, but if that doesn't work out he is still going to be your friend. That's what I get out from your post.

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