Guys' Point of View Needed....
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Guys' Point of View Needed....
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:45pm |
I asked my MM to give me some insight on what path our relationship is on. As you already know, I'm going through a divorce right now and (not splitting up because of the A - my STBxH doesn't know about MM) MM has been a rock for me through this. We've never really had the "relationship" talk....but I did want to know where he put me in his life. Is the R for "fun" or is it more serious (which it is).
He replied "As far as what the future holds, you need to know that I plan to be a part of your life...who knows in what capacity that will be...but since the most important part I can have in your life is friend, that's what I will always be, no matter where life takes both of us in the future..."
Could someone help me with this? I love him with all my heart, but I want to be realistic. I have told him that I don't expect anything from him just because I'm getting divorced. I want to just have him in my life in whatever manner he needed. I know he needs time because of his marital situation, but his reply is a bit cryptic.
Any insight, guys?

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I'm a guy. A guy who, since his divorce of three years ago after 29 years of marriage, has dated a lot. As such I can sniff disingenuity a mile away. This is a classic line. Read it again...carefully. He promises you nothing. That's the art of snake-oil salesmen. They play on human expectations. You're reading this (as you so well put it) 'cryptic' message in a positive light because that's how you want to see it. If you read this objectively, there's a hard edge to it. An exit strategy, so to speak.
Let's just suppose that your MM is me. OK? Now if I really WANTED you in my life...and was so afraid that I might lose you such that I'd never see you again for the rest of my life, I'd make a serious effort toward telling you what you mean to me. I'd cash in my IRA and take out a full-page ad in the Times declaring my love for you. Or I'd hire a sky writer to say the same thing.
He's not doing anything remotely demonstrative. In fact, he's playing it safe. I've been involved with a married woman (and those who know my handle from three years ago know that story) and I can testify that you never can really say with certainty just how truthful their declaration of love is for you. I'm not at all jaundiced on love. Far from it. I go out and get my ego dashed every now and then. You have to take your chances. After all, nothing ventured...nothing gained.
My advice? Throw the fish back into the water. You'll net a bigger and better one. Patience is a virtue. You will be rewarded.
Steven
I am one of those married people who have been posting here too, who left her marriage finally. I did not make any promises to my OM either, just secretly hoped/hope that everything will work out by itself. I did not want to tell him anything till I was moved in, so that he will stay out of the picture for sometime.
Please don't tell me that you would cash your IRA for your love, that is insanity not love. Why would you do that, just to realise few years down the road that she is not the one for you?? Then all your fawning and "cashing" has lost its values, including your IRA. I expect my OM to far more practical than that.
Yes, there may be bigger fish to fry but that is your decision. Don't put the blame on the married folks esp if they heve been sayings things like NRY's MM. For the "involved" person you are, Steven, you seem to be going in for "nothing ventured, nothing lost" type of realtionships yourself.
Think again, you might have a jaundiced view of love. IHMO
I just read through the thread and I think that everyone is somewhat right in their responses, even Steven. I had a 4 yr. relationship w/MM, he left W physically, but never emotionally. The guilt of leaving home still eats at him today. We no longer have the R that we once had, we are now nothing but co-workers. It's a very sticky situation we have, but let me touch on yours. Just because your MM is separated, don't expect him to get the "D". Mine, after 4 years of an open relationship w/me, never did. What you need to do right now is concentrate on yourself. I know this is difficult to do with him in your life, but trust me, you will regret later if you don't do it now. Take things slow, don't pressure yourslef or him to make any decisions as to what the future will hold for you two. Believe me when I tell you, you cannot be friends with the man you love if you truly love him. The pain is too great and the healing doesn't happen. NC is the best thing for you right now, you are doing the right thing. As Steven said, if he truly loves you, he will take the steps to be together. Give it time, stay strong and be patient. Best of luck to you, keep posting....
C
ANYWAY, what I'm really trying to say is I feel your pain. Hang in there!!!!
GB2
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