Guys' Point of View Needed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Guys' Point of View Needed....
21
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:45pm
I asked my MM to give me some insight on what path our relationship is on. As you already know, I'm going through a divorce right now and (not splitting up because of the A - my STBxH doesn't know about MM) MM has been a rock for me through this. We've never really had the "relationship" talk....but I did want to know where he put me in his life. Is the R for "fun" or is it more serious (which it is).

He replied "As far as what the future holds, you need to know that I plan to be a part of your life...who knows in what capacity that will be...but since the most important part I can have in your life is friend, that's what I will always be, no matter where life takes both of us in the future..."

Could someone help me with this? I love him with all my heart, but I want to be realistic. I have told him that I don't expect anything from him just because I'm getting divorced. I want to just have him in my life in whatever manner he needed. I know he needs time because of his marital situation, but his reply is a bit cryptic.

Any insight, guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:52pm
I'm pasting the heart of your post here: "As far as what the future holds, you need to know that I plan to be a part of your life...who knows in what capacity that will be...but since the most important part I can have in your life is friend, that's what I will always be, no matter where life takes both of us in the future..."

I'm a guy. A guy who, since his divorce of three years ago after 29 years of marriage, has dated a lot. As such I can sniff disingenuity a mile away. This is a classic line. Read it again...carefully. He promises you nothing. That's the art of snake-oil salesmen. They play on human expectations. You're reading this (as you so well put it) 'cryptic' message in a positive light because that's how you want to see it. If you read this objectively, there's a hard edge to it. An exit strategy, so to speak.

Let's just suppose that your MM is me. OK? Now if I really WANTED you in my life...and was so afraid that I might lose you such that I'd never see you again for the rest of my life, I'd make a serious effort toward telling you what you mean to me. I'd cash in my IRA and take out a full-page ad in the Times declaring my love for you. Or I'd hire a sky writer to say the same thing.

He's not doing anything remotely demonstrative. In fact, he's playing it safe. I've been involved with a married woman (and those who know my handle from three years ago know that story) and I can testify that you never can really say with certainty just how truthful their declaration of love is for you. I'm not at all jaundiced on love. Far from it. I go out and get my ego dashed every now and then. You have to take your chances. After all, nothing ventured...nothing gained.

My advice? Throw the fish back into the water. You'll net a bigger and better one. Patience is a virtue. You will be rewarded.

Steven

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:58pm
Steven,

I am one of those married people who have been posting here too, who left her marriage finally. I did not make any promises to my OM either, just secretly hoped/hope that everything will work out by itself. I did not want to tell him anything till I was moved in, so that he will stay out of the picture for sometime.

Please don't tell me that you would cash your IRA for your love, that is insanity not love. Why would you do that, just to realise few years down the road that she is not the one for you?? Then all your fawning and "cashing" has lost its values, including your IRA. I expect my OM to far more practical than that.

Yes, there may be bigger fish to fry but that is your decision. Don't put the blame on the married folks esp if they heve been sayings things like NRY's MM. For the "involved" person you are, Steven, you seem to be going in for "nothing ventured, nothing lost" type of realtionships yourself.

Think again, you might have a jaundiced view of love. IHMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:53am
I appreciate all the different points of view that have been shared with me on this thread. My MM and I have always talked about our feelings and have even shared with each other the "L" word from time to time. He is out of town this week for the Easter holiday, so in the meantime, I am going to begin NC. I will let him call me, IM me, email me...whatever when he gets back. I need to know how quickly he will contact me. He knows I don't expect anything but a great friendship right now because of what I am going through (the "D") but he also knows that I want the "lover" part of our relationship to stay in tact. We don't get to see each other that often, so passion has never been a problem. He has stated several times about the passion we have for each other. No, I do not expect him to marry me when my D is final, but I do expect his close friendship. Friendship is what all great relationships should be based on. I love him and will give him time and space. If our future consists only of a good friendship, I'll always (for the rest of my life) be grateful for the incredible love affair we had. My life is better for it. Sometimes hurt is part of love. It's always a gamble.
Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:50am
NYR,

I just read through the thread and I think that everyone is somewhat right in their responses, even Steven. I had a 4 yr. relationship w/MM, he left W physically, but never emotionally. The guilt of leaving home still eats at him today. We no longer have the R that we once had, we are now nothing but co-workers. It's a very sticky situation we have, but let me touch on yours. Just because your MM is separated, don't expect him to get the "D". Mine, after 4 years of an open relationship w/me, never did. What you need to do right now is concentrate on yourself. I know this is difficult to do with him in your life, but trust me, you will regret later if you don't do it now. Take things slow, don't pressure yourslef or him to make any decisions as to what the future will hold for you two. Believe me when I tell you, you cannot be friends with the man you love if you truly love him. The pain is too great and the healing doesn't happen. NC is the best thing for you right now, you are doing the right thing. As Steven said, if he truly loves you, he will take the steps to be together. Give it time, stay strong and be patient. Best of luck to you, keep posting....

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:58pm
Don't read anymore into this than what it is. Like Omaha said, he probably isn't ready to move on. I think he's being honest. Would you rather him make a promise he doesn't know he can keep? Only time will tell of course. I think if stay your course and give him the latitude he needs, you'll find out where things stand down the road. It's all you can do without moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:54am
I'll tell everyone again that I appreciate everyone's points of view, as varied as they are. I'm taking a bit of advice from everyone. I know just because MM is separated that it doesn't mean a divorce for him is a definite thing. I do love my MM with all my heart, and that is why I am willing to go NC for a while. I would rather be hurt now than to find out months (even years) down the road that his feelings were never really true. It's like the saying goes, "Let someone go...if they come back to you it was meant to me...if they don't come back to you....then it wasn't meant to be." I feel that he will contact me when he gets back from vacation, but what route our R takes at that point, well, it's anybody's guess. If he does call, then I'm going to lay off the relationship talk for quite a while because of what I'm going through (with my D). The last thing I want to do is pressure my MM... But, NC is easy right now (since he is out of town), but NC will be harder this weekend and next week (when he gets back). I'll keep you updated as to how this progresses. Thanks to everyone for their straight-forward and honest opinions. We'll wait a few days to see who hit the nail on the head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:12am
Just wanted to express my support to you. NC is sooooo tough. I haven't heard a thing from MM in over four days now (which doesn't sound like a lot but when you consider we used to email and talk every day, it seems like forever). It really sucks. But he's in counseling with his W which I am sure is tough for him, so I'm trying to back off. Actually, like you, I'm considering complete NC because I believe that he needs to completely separate from me in order to know how he really feels about his M. He told me he didn't want NC so we've been chatting sporadically, but there are moments when I think this random contact is harder than not talking at all. I agree with what you say about setting something free - I believe that if something is meant to be, then it WILL be.

ANYWAY, what I'm really trying to say is I feel your pain. Hang in there!!!!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:42am
I am not sure why you are going be doing NC after he comes back, but good luck to you anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:49am
I am going to try to do NC just to give MM some space. I figured all the talk I've been doing about my feelings toward him could possibly be making him feel pressured or smothered, which is completely NOT what I'm trying to do to him. I thought if I gave him some space, he could make some decisions about me, him, and our R without pressure. Maybe then, things between us could get back to normal. That's why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:52am
OK, gotcha!