For the guys...a little confuzzled

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
For the guys...a little confuzzled
3
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:10pm
I don't understand something that MM told me today. We were talking about staying healthy and he reminded me that his DW has rheumatoid arthritis and that was part of what was keeping him in his marriage. I told him that I understood and that I respected his concern and commitment. He said, "You mean you don't think I should just run off and leave her?" I told him that as much as I would love for us to run away together, I respected that commitment and I hoped that if the roles were reversed, and he were 90 and in poor health, I'd want to be the kind of person he could count on to care for him.

Now, I've told him that he doesn't have to hide his home life from me. Part of this is a result of that. I know he's been dropping little comments to see how I would react. "Why do I always attract women who hate raisins?" I'm really very calm about the whole thing. "Because we have good taste." As far as I'm concerned, if he shares that with me, its just one more part of his life that we can share. (No, I don't want to know about the bedroom, but I've known there wasn't much happening there for a while. She _does_ have R.A.)

As I've said before, I'm not really a jealous type - I just want more time with him. When he can talk openly with me about his home life, I feel much more comfortable. I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around, afraid to say something for fear I'll step on a bomb. I think he probably feels the same way.

My question is this: Why is he even telling me his reasons for not leaving? I'm not asking him to leave. I'm not crying because he went away for their anniversary. I didn't fill his email with tearful notes. I wished him a Happy Anniversary and when he returned, I asked him if they had a good time. (Yes, I still have twinges...I'm human.) I think my responses may confuse him, too...but I'm just being myself.

Oh, and BTW...I still haven't told him that I'm going out tomorrow. I'll wait until I talk with him after lunch...just give him a heads up that I'll be out of pocket. I don't intend to make a big deal out of it. Thanks to everyone for their words of wisdom.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 7:16pm
Caz, sweetie...

I'm not sure he's telling you his reasons. I think he might be telling himself. Maybe he wants to run and is reminding himself why he said he wouldn't. Happened to me. Still happening in regards to figuring out why I should go to her therapy.

Plus, as I've said before, men are creatures of ego no matter how old or mature we are. If you haven't asked him to leave I'm betting there is at least some small part of him who wishes you would gently say "I do wish you'd leave her"... and then never bring it up again. No guilt, no pressure, just an ego boost.

Your positive, understanding comments may baffle us boys. "How do I really know she wants me if she won't ask me to leave? But she says she does. But how do I know; if I were in here shoes, I'd ask."

Or maybe I'm full of it. Also a distinct possibility.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 7:20pm
Hey Caz!!! :) I'm not a guy, but...I completely agree with Rain. I think that by saying these things aloud, it is as if he is trying to convince himself of them. It seems like he feels that if he says them, they must be true. And I also think that part of him wants you to stop him when he says these things, and at least ask him to leave her. And unfortunately for him, you haven't done that yet, which could be why he continues to bring it up.

Let us know how your conversation with him goes :)

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:03pm


Thanks Rain and Circe,

Rain, I've never asked him to leave her. When he was planning on leaving, it was all his idea. He knows that I love him. I don't hide it. But while I'm strong, I can't even let myself go there. First, it has to be his idea. And second, if I said that much, I'm afraid I'd open a floodgate of emotion.

See, I want more than anything in this world, for us to be together. I ache when we're separated. I miss him more than I have words to express...or the ability to put those words together.

I love him.

I know I've told everyone that we're writing a book together. I really believe that it will be publishable...and published. She doesn't even know that we're co-writing it. I have a strong suspicion that she'll completely flip out when she finds out, especially if she doesn't find out until we get a contract. I half suspect that he's counting on that. He's staying because she has rheumatoid arthritis, because he's comfortable, because he loves her, and because he won't be the one to leave. There are a million reasons that he's staying. But I'm afraid that if he wants to keep his marriage together, hiding the fact that we're in constant communication and spending the time necessary to write this book will blow that out of the water. I don't know what he could do...at this point we've written 50,000 words or so. Even that would p*ss me off. (Not that he was writing with someone, but that he kept it a secret and that the person he's writing with has already been involved when he was ready to leave.)

But I don't dare let myself dwell on that. I can't. I want for both of us to be happy, and at least for right now, that means that I cherish the time we have and what we are building. I can't count on having tomorrow. None of us can. But for today, I want him to know that he's loved. Today, I cherish the fact that he loves me. And I am finally beginning to believe that he'll love me tomorrow morning as well.

But even if he'd like to hear me tell him I wish he'd leave, I can't. It's too true and that kind of wish just plain hurts.

But maybe you're right about him saying that aloud to himself. Because I suspect he thinks about leaving a great deal more than he'd ever tell me.

Cazrida