H finally giving time for me to 'think'
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| Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:55am |
H finally said he will give me space this weekend - no phone calls, no visits, etc. He is going out of town for a few days. But, just yesterday he sent me flowers to work and got me a very nice and thoughtful gift. Again, the 'spoiling' that I don't actually need from him - him trying so hard now to prove that he realizes he has messed up - and me feeling guilty and just getting angrier. On top of that, my OM is leaving in six days and will be gone for about three months. I am going through a whirlwind because he has been my rock lately through all of this. He is the one reminding me that I should leave for me (not for him, although he will be there waiting when I do). I don't want to fold with him gone. I don't want to lose the self confidence that I have gained over the last few months to do this to make me happy. And, I hate that I am deeply hurting my H now. He tells me that I am the love of his life and he doesn't know that he could make it without me. I know that he could, but hearing that just makes me sad to think that he is hurting now because of my feelings. Am I being selfish wanting to live life for ME? He hurt me before, but that is no excuse to do this to him now. My friend supports me totally, and just keeps saying "don't be 30 with two kids and just be NUMB". That is what I want to prevent. She is in that boat, and I don't want to be like her...not unhappy, but just numb. Thanks for your listening. I am just so emotional now with making my H so sad, with not even wanting to be around him right now, and with the time apart that me and my OM are about to face. I love him with all of my heart (the OM) and can't wait for his return :-) I just hope things are worked out with me and the H so that we are on our separate ways (or at least started) by then...I don't know how much more I can take of this roller coaster (yes Rain - roller coaster!!) Thanks yall, RM
