H going out of town

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
H going out of town
6
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:52am
This isn't 100% definite, but it looks like H may be going out of town in late April. I mentioned it to MM this morning and I'm not exactly sure why. I guess because, from the moment H said he might go to this thing, all I've thought about is taking advantage of the opportunity. I was curious what MM would say and, of course, the first words out of his mouth were, "Are you going to want me to come over?" I said no and he seemed a little hurt but then I said "That's two months away. Who knows how weak or strong I'll be feeling then." He said his guess is that I'll be feeling weak by then, whatever that means...

Here's the thing. I'm taking my own advice, which I posted here a while back, and I'm trying to imagine it step by step in detail. Imagining me probably having to meet him somewhere because I don't need him pulling into my driveway in front of everyone. Imagining bringing him into my house and... THEN WHAT? It all just seems repulsive to me. Sneaking him through the house I share with my H. Making love to him in that bed, knowing for the rest of the time I have that bed I'll KNOW that I violated my marriage right there. Feeling terrified someone will somehow find out what we're doing. Fearing that afterward he'll so totally freak out that he won't speak to me for months... To be truthful with everyone, in my mind I can't get past the front door of my house with this guy. But I'm thinking, with me being so scared of everything, will I EVER be able to go through with it? It's not like there will come a time when we're alone and one thing will just lead to another. If we do it, we'll have to go all the way through with it in a prearranged manner and that's just not me. Am I absolutely crazy? I'm starting to think I am... I guess when it boils down to it, I'm just not ready, but will that change???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:09am

oh, honey, you are not ready!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:30am
Well, in addition to how I feel about it, MM would have to want it too, and going by past history, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. As for the hotel... I've been down that road too. A couple of months ago we were leaving work together and he said something about meeting. I said, "We could never do it without getting caught." He said we could meet at a park and I said, "But what if my car broke down? How would I explain being out at a park?" He said we could meet at this particular hotel that's near a bunch of restaurants and shops I go to a lot. We could each park at separate places, one of us go pay, then meet in the room. He had the whole thing TOTALLY mapped out, as if he's given it a lot of thought. Do men really sit around and think up this stuff? I honestly had never thought it through like this, but he's done this before. So that night I went home and imagined it, step by step. Imagined that door closing behind us and it being dark in the room and us undressing each other... At first it bothered me, but the more I imagine it, the easier it is to imagine it. It's become a bit of a fantasy. But it's one thing to fantasize about this stuff and quite another to go through with it. My life would never, ever be the same. Truthfully, he's not going to even try to go through with it, but it's only a matter of time. The fact that he has done this before (after a long flirtation/emotional A with the woman who later became his wife) tells me that. He's told me several times he keeps putting the brakes on because he's been down this road before and he knows what happens after you've gone too far. How difficult it is -- the guilt, wanting to be with the person all the time... He also knows how much he'll lose if he gets caught or leaves his W for me. He's lost it all before once and had to rebuild. They say having done this before makes it easier to do it again, but he seems a whole lot more fearful than I've been at times. I honestly, TRULY, have NO IDEA what to expect if I did sleep with him. And I'm terrified to find out...

Glad to know having him to my house sounds bad to you too. I just couldn't IMAGINE!!!! I think surely he must be joking. This is going to come up again and again, though. What should I say? Should I just keep saying no, absolutely not? I don't want him to get fed up with me, but I have a feeling saying yes would just scare the daylights out of both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:49am
I'm pretty much in your situation now. Through a very wierd set of circumstances, the first experience MM and I had planned did not work out. We were supposed to be in a beautiful hotel room, no pressure, no outside influences... he ended up in my spare bedroom, we shared our first kiss in the airport while H fetched the car, then tried to tryst that night after lights out. Trust me when I tell you it's just not worth that. It was absolutely horrible. So your initial feelings about not having him in your home are really right on -- with or without H around. It's just too emotionally wearing. As for the rest, perhaps you need a little more time to develop the emotional side of this before working on getting together physically. It's supposed to add something to our lives, right? Why do we put so much pressure on it that we end up being less (rather than more) happy? I'm thinking for both you and I, we just need to slow down... let's see, who am I talking to? You or me (hee hee).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:50am

lilah, you have to keep saying "no" until you are ready to say "yes" -- whenever that may be!


if your MM has done this before with his current W, he

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 3:28pm
I think he'll wait. He's the type that would be challenged by what he couldn't have. Up until recently, I was always pretty much going along with what he said. If he wanted to kiss, I'd kiss. If he wanted to meet, I'd go along, pretty much gambling on him chickening out (which he always did). But at Christmastime I figured out it was freaking him out that the only one stopping things from going forward was HIM and we had this discussion where he said he knew all he'd have to do was say the word and I'd sleep with him. That wasn't true, but I'd been so scared of hurting his ego, I'd never really said the word "no." Last Friday when I said no to kissing him, it really bothered me. I could tell he was hurt...that I'd damaged his pride. But I just kept telling myself that I'm hurting him more if I DO let him kiss me and then he has to feel guilty all weekend. It's much harder now. Before, if we wanted to kiss, he'd just come to my office and we'd kiss. But since I've moved closer to him, there are always people around. We'd have to go to an agreed-upon place and do it. That, to me, is a whole new kind of risk. What if someone sees us coming in or out or walks in on us? This is my JOB here and I'm not going to risk it to go make out with a married man. And that doesn't even begin to cover the risk of meeting him somewhere outside of this building. None of us can predict the future, but wouldn't it be nice to be able to see the consequences of our choices before we made them? Sometimes I just have NO IDEA what to do. I'm not just talking about meeting him, either. I don't know what to say or how to respond or whether to call or not call... It's just so hard when you have no idea what the other person is thinking at a particular moment...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 3:36pm

it's a day-to-day proposition as to what you do and how you feel when you work with your MM and see him every day.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board