H has been told of A - do I come clean?
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| Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:05am |
Last night it all blew up. H came to me and put out an ultimatum...either lets work on this and fix it or walk away and leave him alone. He can't understand that possibly separating might change our minds/hearts. He wants all or none with no refunds. I was ready to tell him lets end this last night. I honestly believe that my feelings for him are gone, and no amount of work or sweetness on his part will fix that. And, I am desparately longing for my OM and to see where that relationship leads us.
Now there is a bigger problem. A co-worker who knows my H's family took it upon themselves to tell one of my inlaws that I was having A. They based it off of comments that they had heard through other people supposedly talking to my OM. Said that the OM was bragging and just saying that I was a fling and a piece of a**. I truely don't believe that my OM would say that - not with the way he acts with me. He has pulled me into his life and into his family. I believe that he is sincere in his feelings toward me. I think that these comments were made up to stir up the fire. And, now the co-worker is taking this crap to inlaws, who then go to my H, who then comes to me. Its a horrible grapevine - I am so tired of all of the elementary two-faced crap. The co-worker is having enough problems in their own marriage to be sticking their nose into mine. But the delimma now is whether to fess up to H. I have denied it from the start - just saying that we were very close friends. He has asked me before, because I have lost intimacy desires with him (that started way before the A...it was because of me not being happy or in love). I denied it, and he keeps telling me 'I trust you - I believe that you aren't that kind of low moral, vendictive person'. Makes me feel like dirt to hear that.
I have admitted to kissing the OM, and H was upset. He called me an adulterer (sp?). Then, he 'forgave' me. I have admitted to having an emotional connection with the OM - he has been my rock in this mess, and I am not ashamed to tell my H that... the fact that another person has stepped into the role that he wasn't filling. I'm just sick of the gossiping...regardless of whether any of it is true. I'm sick of the slander - of people telling me things that the OM is saying that couldn't be true. He wouldn't disrespect me that way - not after being with his family, his mom, his brother, and not after seeing the tears in his eyes when he left the other day...he just isn't that kind of actor. The job is at a restaurant, and if any of you have ever worked at a restaurant/bar, you know the back stabbing and back talking that goes on in places like that.
I'm just so frustrated, mad, and scared. I don't want to jeprodize myself by denying what I have done, but I don't want to jeprodize myself by admitting it either. Has anyone ever been caught - not red handed, but confronted where you have to make a decision to say yes or no? Please - any help you can give would be wonderful...the marriage is ending - there is no getting around that. But, I'd like to keep the suffering to a minimum, and I'm afraid of what to answer on this one without he or I or everyone involved getting devistated.

Are you sure that your coworker is going to let your H know about you and OM. I am asking you this because sometimes friends do threaten things but don't follow through. About your inlaws I am sorry that must be hard on you. A good friend of mine also tried to do the same with me but did not go forward with it is because it was not going to help her in any way. In fact it might have OM and me more closer. Anyways, she just stopped with the name calling. Just hang tight. I am sure it will all get OK soon. Keep us updated on your situation. Really hard place to me if you ask me.
Juliet.
I don't know the people involved in your situation well enough to tell you what to do. But if you think your H would rather get honesty from you, especially if the truth is going to come out sooner or later anyway, and if you want any chance of saving the relationship, you should probably tell him.
Good luck to you whatever you end up doing.
GB2
As to tell about the affair, I don't know. What would H's reaction be? Would that solidify D plans, or cause physical consequences? Do you think he'd go after OM? All of these things have to be considered.
Personally, I would say, no I'm not having an A, but I do want a D. However, if I knew that telling about the A would get him to leave you alone, I would probably blurt it out.
Ideally, you wanting out should be good enough without having to spill the affair beans.
As far as admitting to the A, absolutely not. Telling him would only hurt him further. He probably already knows on some level, but there is no point in discussing it. If the A were to end, you'd still want out of your M right?