H has been told of A - do I come clean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
H has been told of A - do I come clean?
10
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:05am
Please hang on - long one...

Last night it all blew up. H came to me and put out an ultimatum...either lets work on this and fix it or walk away and leave him alone. He can't understand that possibly separating might change our minds/hearts. He wants all or none with no refunds. I was ready to tell him lets end this last night. I honestly believe that my feelings for him are gone, and no amount of work or sweetness on his part will fix that. And, I am desparately longing for my OM and to see where that relationship leads us.

Now there is a bigger problem. A co-worker who knows my H's family took it upon themselves to tell one of my inlaws that I was having A. They based it off of comments that they had heard through other people supposedly talking to my OM. Said that the OM was bragging and just saying that I was a fling and a piece of a**. I truely don't believe that my OM would say that - not with the way he acts with me. He has pulled me into his life and into his family. I believe that he is sincere in his feelings toward me. I think that these comments were made up to stir up the fire. And, now the co-worker is taking this crap to inlaws, who then go to my H, who then comes to me. Its a horrible grapevine - I am so tired of all of the elementary two-faced crap. The co-worker is having enough problems in their own marriage to be sticking their nose into mine. But the delimma now is whether to fess up to H. I have denied it from the start - just saying that we were very close friends. He has asked me before, because I have lost intimacy desires with him (that started way before the A...it was because of me not being happy or in love). I denied it, and he keeps telling me 'I trust you - I believe that you aren't that kind of low moral, vendictive person'. Makes me feel like dirt to hear that.

I have admitted to kissing the OM, and H was upset. He called me an adulterer (sp?). Then, he 'forgave' me. I have admitted to having an emotional connection with the OM - he has been my rock in this mess, and I am not ashamed to tell my H that... the fact that another person has stepped into the role that he wasn't filling. I'm just sick of the gossiping...regardless of whether any of it is true. I'm sick of the slander - of people telling me things that the OM is saying that couldn't be true. He wouldn't disrespect me that way - not after being with his family, his mom, his brother, and not after seeing the tears in his eyes when he left the other day...he just isn't that kind of actor. The job is at a restaurant, and if any of you have ever worked at a restaurant/bar, you know the back stabbing and back talking that goes on in places like that.

I'm just so frustrated, mad, and scared. I don't want to jeprodize myself by denying what I have done, but I don't want to jeprodize myself by admitting it either. Has anyone ever been caught - not red handed, but confronted where you have to make a decision to say yes or no? Please - any help you can give would be wonderful...the marriage is ending - there is no getting around that. But, I'd like to keep the suffering to a minimum, and I'm afraid of what to answer on this one without he or I or everyone involved getting devistated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:13am
Heart,

Are you sure that your coworker is going to let your H know about you and OM. I am asking you this because sometimes friends do threaten things but don't follow through. About your inlaws I am sorry that must be hard on you. A good friend of mine also tried to do the same with me but did not go forward with it is because it was not going to help her in any way. In fact it might have OM and me more closer. Anyways, she just stopped with the name calling. Just hang tight. I am sure it will all get OK soon. Keep us updated on your situation. Really hard place to me if you ask me.

Juliet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:14am
Yes. I was in a very emotional, non physical, very long distance A. His W found some email and insisted on talking to my H. I knew she was going to so I went ahead and talked to H first. H already knew I was friends with MM so he wasn't completely surprised. I didn't confess to the depths of my feelings, but did tell H that MM was a very close friend. H knows me well enough to read between the lines. I don't know exactly what MM's W said to my H, but I'm glad I spoke to him about it first and was as honest as I could be because it gave her no ammunition to use against me. H and I are now trying to work on our M. MM and his W are in counseling. MM and I are still in touch, although not as often as before and with extreme caution.

I don't know the people involved in your situation well enough to tell you what to do. But if you think your H would rather get honesty from you, especially if the truth is going to come out sooner or later anyway, and if you want any chance of saving the relationship, you should probably tell him.

Good luck to you whatever you end up doing.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:17am
H has already been told. He was told by his family member who got the 'info' from the co-worker. H confronted me with it last night...and again I denied. He doesn't know much, except for what the 'rumors' are - the fact about the OM bragging about the intimacy between us and how it means nothing, and how it was so frequent, etc. All he is being told is that it (sex) has happened more than once. The whole deep relationship b/t me and the OM hasn't been mentioned. I think it was more just a ploy to tell the H that his W is screwing around on him....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:24am
follow..do you want your M to work? Or are you ready to explore a "real" R with OM? I can't tell you what to do. But if you want out of your M...then take your H's ultimatum, and say I'm sorry, but the feelings I once had for you are gone, and they'll never come back.

As to tell about the affair, I don't know. What would H's reaction be? Would that solidify D plans, or cause physical consequences? Do you think he'd go after OM? All of these things have to be considered.

Personally, I would say, no I'm not having an A, but I do want a D. However, if I knew that telling about the A would get him to leave you alone, I would probably blurt it out.

Ideally, you wanting out should be good enough without having to spill the affair beans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:25am
Then you know the rule - deny, deny, deny. Sorry, I assumed that he has not yet been told. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:37am
I have to say, it sounds to me like you have known for some time you want out of this M but have been scared to admit it. You need to be honest with your H about your feelings for him and give him the chance to find happiness as you seek your own. I generally recommend counseling in this type of situation and I still think it would probably help you, but I think you're already at the point of no return.

As far as admitting to the A, absolutely not. Telling him would only hurt him further. He probably already knows on some level, but there is no point in discussing it. If the A were to end, you'd still want out of your M right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:01pm
I agree with omaha. Looks like you at crossroads in your life - were you have to decide to go one way or other. Couselling or separating. That way you can sort out all the mess that's been created with your friend's revelation. It would also depend on the H to decide if he want you back and rebuild the marriage. I know my marriage wouldn't last such a bombshell like I said before in my previous post. Not a fun place to be, if you ask me. (((((((HUGS)))))))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:42pm
I agree with the previous posts, deny, deny deny! I had the same thing happen to me. Luckily, the in-law blabbing didn't have all the facts. My H was so interested in finding out about what I was doing that he suggested an amnesty. He told me about an affair he had and of course it didn't phase me because I am naturally passive. I maintained my denial and he was HOTT! I though he was going to explode, he was so angry that he had told me about his and I didn't respond nor reveal what I had done. Maybe you should suggest amnesty and have him go first and continue to deny it. Just remember to keep your cool. That is, if you still want to be married. In my case it is cheaper to keep him.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:58pm
Hello Follow, Here's my 2 cents on this matter. I don't care if he caught your with his pants around his ankles and your dress over your head, DENY, DENY, DENY and if that doesn't work DENY, DENY, DENY! Good Luck! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:59pm
You know me so well Omaha. Yes, I think I have made up my mind. And, yes, I have felt this way before the OM. And, yes, I do want something to start b/t me and the OM, but that isn't the sole reason that I want a D. I have admitted to some - to the large time that we spent together, and the emotional connection that I had with him, but still deny the physical connection. I think the H knows enough that he pushed me away to another regardless of how deep that connection was. I think discussing it further will only hurt him more - you are right. Thanks for your insite.