H trying...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
H trying...
5
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 10:29am

Seems when H is trying to make things better at home between us i get major guilt, which seems only right. I was wondering if any of you feel this same way?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 1:59pm
wow i pretty much feel like i am in limbo here. i posted on EAS and they pretty much told me I couldnt post there unless I was ended in my A. If thats the case, they should be called Ended Affair Support, not Ending Affair Support. I guess I dont really know where to post!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 2:54pm

Hobbi -


You are more than welcome to post here - it's just that you ask some difficult questions for anyone but yourself to answer.


So - I have one for you.

lightning in my heart

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: hobbi02
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 3:56pm

I just had to respond. I posted on EAS, too, and was told the same thing. I wasn't looking for judgement and to be told how wrong I am. You'd think that having been in the same place, they'd understand a little better.

Where you and I differ is that my A is only a few months old, although I've known OM for a full year and some. Also, I don't have an empty nest hanging over my head because although my oldest is out on his own for the past 3 years, I still have younger kids at home, the youngest turns 6 this summer.

My A is still quite happy. We get along terrifically and we can talk about every thing, and I do mean everything, even things that would offend one or the other of us to discuss with someone one else. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with this om.

My M on the other hand is lousy. My h has more or less neglected me for the past several years, even after we talked at length about what was wrong and what needs to be fixed. NOW, after I asked h to move out (and he refused) and I moved into another bedroom, NOW he's putting in some of the effort I asked for previously, but he also filed for legal separation.

So, more or less, we are in the same situation (boy that feels good to know I'm not the only one!!). We both need to end A and neither of us wants to. I love my OM, he loves me. but, my h loves me too, but I don't love him. That makes things messy. Can I be so selfish as to take care of myself and leave my M? Is it ok for me to stay and have my children learn that *this* is what marriage is supposed be like? Is it ok that my little boys are watching their dad and believing that how h treats me is ok, so they do it too? Is it ok for my dd to accept that a wife can be ignored and treated with little regard? More important to me is that my kids don't find out about A. They know OM well, he spends a lot of time in our home, and they adore him as much as he loves them. BUT, I don't want my kids to find out that A exists and think that's ok, either.

Stupid fence, sitting here on the stupid fence....

Edited for spelling




Edited 5/20/2009 2:25 pm ET by momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 1:31pm

Hi Hobbi,


Oh my you have some hard thinking to do don't you? I think that you cannot continue to do both. Your AP is now single, sooner or later he is going to want more than you may be willing to give. If you want to try and regain your marriage, you should commit 100%. That is the only way you will know if it is going to work. If you are that unhappy in your marriage leaving is another route. I do not think you should make a decision based on your AP or your A. It should be what is best for you. You cannot count that if you left you and your AP would ride off into the sunset. You have to weigh each choice and likely results from them. Are you going to be content in a M with out love and affection , or forced love and affection? Hope I am not coming across harsh, this is a tough place to be. Keep posting and good luck.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
In reply to: hobbi02
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 4:37pm

Thank you for your response. Its not so much that I am that terribly unhappy in my M. its just that I dont have those warm fuzzy feelings for H that I should, namely because I am not in love with him. I can live with