H wont sign D papers - what now !???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
H wont sign D papers - what now !???
7
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:03am
Miss yall - been gone for a week or so. Work is tough, and I've been working on this D thing....

I have taken steps toward a D - met with a lawyer...got all of my paperwork in order. I have mentioned it to my H before. If our separation brought us to this, he said that he wouldn't want it and he wouldn't file, but if that is what I decided that he would give me the D. Now, he is saying that he refuses to let me go. That he will keep trying to reconcile. That he doesn't care how long it takes. The problem is is that I don't want it to work out. I am way too beyond that. What can I do? Legally or emotionally? What do you do if your spouse won't give you the D? I will pay, I will file, I will go to court. I just don't know if he will sign now.....confused. Need advice. Thanks. FMH6

PS - FOUR WEEKS TO GO UNTIL I SEE MY LOVE AGAIN :-) HES BEEN GONE FOR FIVE...AT LEAST WE ARE OVER THE HUMP NOW!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:09pm
It depends on what state you are in.

Here in my state (if I'm not mistaken) you can file the petition for dissolution. We're a no fault state, so once the paperwork is filed and he's served, I believe he has to show up or send a lawyer. He can contest the division of property or whatever, but he can't just "not give you the divorce."

It depends on what you're willing to give up. He can drag it out by fighting over property and debt, but in the end the judge will simply make a division of assets and liabilities and that will be the end of it. After a point, the judge decries it and you're divorced. Thank you, drive through.

Send him the paperwork. With triplicates in hand he might stew a few days and ultimately decide to sign and be done. Or he might try to keep you on a string as long as possible. But as Leonard Cohen said, "A man never got a woman back by begging..." Soon as you H realizes that, the sooner you'll be divorced.

Good luck.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:34pm
Rain, I feel better now about my divorce IQ. I always thought people can delay not stop you from getting D'd. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:39am
Thanks Rain - you always make me feel better after reading your posts.

In my state I think it is the same thing. We have the no fault thing, and I can file a dissolution tomorrow if I wanted to and hand the filing fee. My lawyer suggested that we first sit down together and go through everything as adults before drafting the paperwork...that was back when H was ok in doing it. It would eliminate everything rough down the road as far as assets/liab splitting. Now, if he is going to be a punk about the whole thing, I can just serve him the papers. Lawyer says that if he signs he doesn't have to even come to court - the signing of the statement is his speaking an ok on the separation of assets, etc. If he won't sign, I guess it is what you mentioned - he will have to show or send a lawyer.

I'm not worried about assets. He can have the house..he can have everything. I just want to be free. All I need is my car. I can make it starting a life over on my own - in fact, that is what is exciting me about all of this...starting over.

Pray for me board - I'll be talking with the H about it again this week, and will more than likely have the papers served next week...with or without his consent. I just don't want this to get bloody. Although I don't want us to be best friends down the road necessarily, I would still like for us to come out of this as adults and be civil and understanding about the whole thing.....

Thanks again for encouragment - I'll check back with you all soon. FMH6

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:42pm
Here is what literally just happened with me.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:37pm
hi nry -- honey that's great news for you! it is sooo much easier when the parties can be civil and not act like children, isn't it. and your children will benefit from your and stbxH's willingness to work out your issues, instead of fighting and arguing. i'm really happy for you.

i'm having problems with the board and it shows "unknown" for the original poster's name, so i have no idea who posted this thread, but in this state, if you file the complaint for divorce, the other party has 30 days after service on them of the complaint to answer. if no answer is received by the 31st day, you file an order for default and after a 5-minute hearing, are divorced. but you must be separated for one year before filing the complaint. good luck poster and i hope your life works out for you, just the way you need it to!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:51pm
Good luck. Like I said, maybe he'll have the papers in hand, it will become real, and then he'll sign it.

I think your lawyers are right. I'm still trying to be civil and "professional" with my W. We work together (we manage different departments in the same building) and most people don't know we're separated, so I'm still hoping for her sake that we can have this all worked out before anyone starts asking questions. She won't handle it well if there are questions while she still has questions of her own.

I'm the same way about assets. She was worried at one point that I'd leave her and take the money in the shared account (which is a pretty respectable amount, but a pretty hurtful thing to accuse me of for some reason.) I assured her I wouldn't because her security is important to her and I just don't care about the money.

I'll let her have the house since she put most of the money down and I'm only going to ask for half of the difference between appraisal and purchase price (less her down payment.) I figure with the mountain of time I've invested in that house the last five years I shouldn't walk away completely empty handed, but I'm not greedy. She can write that much out of our joint account and never notice it's gone, I'll sign the deed over or whatever and that will be the end of it. She can afford the place alone with no problems at all, and I'd starve in the cold/heat just trying to pay for that monster alone. LOL.

Oddly enough, with no kids and no shared debts besides the house, this should take about fifteen minutes. Some part of me even thinks we could "do it yourself" if she could accept the split after her counseling. But that's probably wishful thinking.

It's strange. I have less money now than any time in the last six or seven years, but I have more confidence and security. I'm a little tired sometimes, but I'm not scared at all any more. I look at the big D as the final hurdle. If I can clear that... it's a sprint to the finish line.

Here's to all of us who are following our hearts today.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:44pm
Thanks again all who responded - and thank you Rain. I hope you are right. Maybe if we sit down and discuss this face to face for REAL, it will be REAL to him and he will finally go forward with it. If all goes well, it will be final in 60 days. If he puts up a fight, there is no telling how long it could go. No children are definitely a big help in this. And, with the OM gone, he has nothing to hold over my head right now as far as an A goes...he doesn't think that anything as deep as what really was happening was going on...and having my OM away right now is probably best because the H will just keep thinking that.

I just want this to all be ok. I just want him to understand that Im not coming back, and there is no changing my mind. Its either go through with this, grow up, and move on, or we can live in misery and emotion for years...either way, Im already out of this marriage - mentally and physically.

I just hope your prayers can keep me going and help him understand all of this. Thanks again - I will let you know what happens. I am meeting with H tonight to discuss. Im sure tomorrow I will be a mess. Ill probably be logging back on tonight to post (as long as my eyes aren't swollen too much from crying to see!).

AGREED! Heres to ALL of us who are FOLLOWING OUR HEARTS! Happiness comes to those of us who open our hearts and let it in :-)

FMH6