Had an argument...wrote it all & now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Had an argument...wrote it all & now...
1
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 12:07pm

AP and I have been together for a little more than a year. Have had 2 D-days, been through one divorce (mine) and a lot of drama together. We still love each other very much and have our ups and downs. The downs tend to get loud as we are both angry, I think, that things cannot be different for us right now.

Last week we had a rather loud disagreement and were having a hard time communicating about it. Frustration with the situation was getting to me and I needed to find a way to tell him that. So I made this list and handed it to him. He read it and surprisingly enough said thank you to me for loving him enough to get my thoughts in order and try to explain the way I feel. Things seems so much better now that my frustrations are out in the open. I thought I would share with you all what I gave to him since it seems to have helped us a lot with our relationship...sorry about the alignment, I can't seem to get it to look nicer.

Things that I need for this to work:

1) Understanding when I am hurt that I know there might not be a solution, but that I need you to understand how hard this situation can sometimes be on me without feeling pressured to fix something we both know can’t be fixed right now
2) Respect for my feelings …it is not ok to belittle me and make me feel like I am unreasonable for having feelings…I would never roll my eyes and sigh when I knew you were upset and I expect the same in return
3) To know that this is about more than sex
4) For you to know that while I am always here for you, what you want from me is all of the things that are a part of a wife’s role (a best friend, a lover and someone to share intimate feelings with)…if I am going to give all of that it is only right to get some of this back when I need it (even if it isn’t the most convenient time for you)
5) Honesty about how you feel about me, about our relationship and about what is and isn’t working for you

What I can give to help make this work:

1) Understanding that while the terms of this relationship aren’t ideal, I have to either live with the limitations of it or choose not to be a part of it (this is a work in progress)
2) Respect for the way that you feel and for the risks that you take spending time with me
3) I will always be here for you in every role I have listed above and will love you unconditionally…even when I disagree with you
4) I am honest to a fault (something I am aware of)…I will try not be so brutal when I feel the need to be honest
5) A little more understanding about the reason why you feel you can’t get divorced…your kids have to be the priority and while I know that, sometimes I have to work hard at convincing myself you are being honest about this being the real reason

What I can’t do:

1) Pretend like I don’t hurt when I do to keep you from getting upset
2) Allow this to become just about sex…when it reaches that point for me I’m gone
3) Be with someone I don’t feel like I can talk to

I hope this helps someone...not sure how, but I felt the need to share it. Thanks to everyone here for being such great listeners.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 1:28am

Hi there Timid -


Honey - that is an amazing list - so proud of you for being able to get it all down in writing - that isn't always easy to do.


And I am really happy to hear that your AP took it in the way you intended - as a way for you to communicate what you are feeling without getting all tongue tied or emotional.

lightning in my heart