Had a bad night

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Had a bad night
3
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:38am

Hi everyone,


I no longer know what's going on with my AP. All I know is that I couldn't sleep the

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:54am

Hi Freedom
Hugs!!! Hot and cold behaviour is excruciating. I can totally relate!

Grab a hold of those squirrelies! From what he was saying the other day, it does NOT sound like he REALLY plans on ending it. It sounds like he is one of many male APs who is struggling with guilt and so resorts to hot and cold behaviour. When they feel guilty or worry about getting caught, they pull back. When they realize how much they want us, they are hot. It's not so much about whether he WANTS you or not, because he DOES. It's about HIM, his guilt, and fear of getting caught. In a way, it's because he likes you and wants you, that that is the problem, you know? If he didn't like you, he would just walk away.

When he is pulling back, the best thing you can do is distract yourself and keep busy, let him come back to you. What I learned is that if they are being cold, our natural instinct is to push, because we need validation that they want us and the A and confirmation that they feel the same away. This is a BIG mistake, pushing them when they are cold, because this just further freaks them out and pushes them away.

As hard as it is, DO NOT text him. Wait for him to come back to you because you know when he does, its because he's wanting you and feeling hot and not overwhelmed by guilt. If you push or text him when he is feeling cold, you risk pushing him further away and sort of solidifying for him why he can't do this A.

I KNOW how hard it is to do that. Trust me! I was pretty much in this exact position. What worked was me pulling back, keeping my emotions and need for validation in check, and just kind of going with the flow. It's worked so well! But there were times when I literally had to delete his number from my phone, so I wouldn't desperately or drunkenly start texting him.

Stay strong girl! It really sounds like he totally wants you, but he has to figure out a way to deal with his guilt, just like my AP did. Sometimes, that might include seeing less of you. My AP and I saw each other everyday at work for 6 months, and for about a month, he was feeling guilty, and seeing him every day was awful because I was like a constant reminder of his 'guilt'. And I kept pushing which made it worse. Backing off was the best thing I ever did! And just really focusing on enjoying the hot moments and what I can get, and then just keeping myself busy and distracted when he was cold.

Good luck freedom!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:57am

I just read what hiskimber wrote in response to another post and it pretty much echoed what I was saying so I thought I'd snag it!

Total kudos to hiskimber - well said!

"When mine pulls back some, I let him go :) When I try to fight it...he backs up that much more :) Sometimes they just need to go in their "cave"...they don't process things like we do. And you've said you know you're feeling needy/clingy...even if you think he hasn't picked up on that...he probably has and your sense of his pulling away is probably enlarging those feelings."

True that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 2:24pm

Thank you Lucy for your advice. I did as you said and didn't text him. He texted me 2 hours ago and acted like nothing happened. I did the same thing. He was all nice and sweet saying that he woke up at 4 a.m. and could only see my face in front of him. If he said it on a regular day, it would have made me so happy, but today I felt nothing. I am just so tired after experiencing so many feelings: excitement, hope, disappointment, regret... He is planning on coming over in an hour. I want to see him, but once again, I don't feel excited. He just called again. It looks like he does miss me a lot. You know, the whole A would be wonderful if it wasn't for his hot and cold behavior.


Thank you again for you response and for your support. You are an amazing woman who is always there for us on this board. Goodluck with your AP.