Had a D Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Had a D Day
11
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:41am

We were on vacation out of the country and H decided to go through my phone and well he found what he wanted to know.  I've been denying it and he told me he believes me, though I don't know how that is even possible.

Let me add we are separated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
In reply to: _kittery
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:28am
Sorry Kittery, I'm assuming what he found wasn't so incriminating if he believes you. Are you ok?

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
In reply to: _kittery
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:30am
He's in denial and wants to believe you. Either that or he doesn't want to ruin the vacation and is waiting until you get home. Hopefully it's the latter and things can progress as normal as they can considering everything. Remember to be diligent about deleting your texts and whatnot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
In reply to: _kittery
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:04pm

Purple, it was VERY incriminating.  It had details of IC that I told a friend through FB chat.  I discussed IC, kissing, love and time spent together...it even had a date.

Sony, I had erased it the conversation in FB, but I am realizing that FB saves the conversations.

IDK what I want but right now I am doing damage control.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:59pm
Um in that case your H doesn't care that you ARE? Have you thought that maybe H is having an A too or something? A little strange that he hasn't reacted kittery! What did you say it was? What was your defense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
In reply to: _kittery
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:08pm
Kit, is your H the type who can contain himself? You have mentioned before that he's violent, I am aware that you are away traveling right now, but please keep that step ahead of him on your return.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
In reply to: _kittery
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 1:06am

no, my H is not one to contain himself.  In fact I am surprised by his behavior.  We came home yesterday and the only thing I keep hearing from him is that he wants to make our M work.

He has been working on not been violent but I still don't trust him.  I don't think I ever will.

I don't think he has an A, or any other R going on but I don't know.

I don't want to be married to him anymore, but right now he is hurting and I am doing my best to make him feel good.  However, I am afraid that once I go back to wanting the divorce, the pain will be worse for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 1:06pm

Kittery, I'm so sorry for the Dday, they really are terrifying. Also, I'm glad to hear that your H has contained himself thus far. That's a good thing, but be careful not to let your guard down. The anger can come very suddenly, and with his history of abuse...

Also, you are obviously a really nice person and are very considerate of other's feelings. Again, this is a good thing, but only in moderation. From a lot of your posts it seems you tend put others ahead of yourself, while neglecting your own needs and feelings. At some point, you just have to say "eff 'um, I need to be happy too". Especially concerning your H, and that you've been wanting this divorce for awhile. And while he may use this Dday to try and guilt you into staying in the M to make it up to him, maybe this is the push you need to once and for all break it off? 

Its all up to you of course, but make sure to consider what YOU want out of your life. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
In reply to: _kittery
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 12:42am

I did tell H that I still want a D.  He hasn't brought up the topic of what he saw since yesterday.  I am hopeful that he will process his feelings and then we will debrief.  He is still choosing to "believe" me.  I am seeing this as an opprotunity to figure out what I want and what I am capable of giving as a partner, which in this case is nothing.  I don't want to be in a relationship.

I love my AP, he has my heart and well, I don't want to give my heart to anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to: _kittery
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 10:04am
Kittery , you wrote " I don't want to be in a relationship. I love my AP, he has my heart and well, I don't want to give my heart to anyone else."

Don't feed yourself negative thoughts and trap yourself on a dead end street. Look at the positives that came out of these experiences, look at your growth and where your life is going and where you see yourself a year, two years from now. Take time to heal yourself, put yourself in a relationship with you, love yourself.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
In reply to: _kittery
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 8:01pm
Ok what exactly is the big deal about this dday here? You don't love your H , want to dump him , & get rid of your M . I wouldn't even spend my energies denying those sexual details . Also u are so madly in love with AP , how on earth this dday affect u ? Except ofcourse now you can continue your A openly & no need to keep thinking of exciuses to give to ur H . No?