Had sex with someone else, and now I feel miserable!
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|Sun, 08-26-2012 - 8:34pm|
Hello everyone! I am new here, but I've been reading this board for about a month. For many weeks, I’ve struggled with wanting to start an affair with a man who lives in my neighborhood. He and I are both married, and we have been attracted to one another for about 4 months. For the last few weeks, I pretty much had my mind made up that I would have an affair with him. But it is so messed up - our kids go to the same school and our sons are in the same grade. We ended up having sex once (4 days ago), and it has turned out to be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Here is the story.
Toward the end of this past school year, this man and I started talking. I had spoken to him a few times before during the year, and I always found him to be unfriendly and not so pleasant. But I started working out and losing weight during the school year, and I started taking more pride in my appearance. I started noticing him checking me out. I am embarrassed to say that I found this intriguing. Eventually, we started talking at the school while we waited with our kids in line or waited to pick them up. I learned he was a cop, and I thought to myself that it made sense why he was so emotionally closed off. A very obvious mutual attraction between us developed, but we kept it clean (no flirting, just talking, etc.). It was all very pleasant and it made me feel good. When summer happened, I was a little bummed but didn’t give it much thought.
Over the summer, I ended up thinking about this man a lot. Occasionally, I walked or drove near his house (not on purpose - we live around the corner from one another). I also saw him drive by my house a lot. Sometimes, we waved. Twice we ran into each other and talked briefly. The second time I ran into him (which was about 3 weeks ago), the attraction felt so powerful that I knew I had to find a way to see him again before the start of the school year. So, through his wife whose email address I have, I invited his son over to play. I purposefully chose a time when I knew she would be working and her husband had to bring the boy over (he works the swing shift and is home during the day with his kids). Sneaky, I know.
When the playdate finally happened, about two weeks ago, this man and I sat and talked while the boys played. The attraction was so overwhelming and mutual, it was crazy. Nothing was said really, but the interest we showed in one another was intoxicating. I felt kind of alive. Anyway, when they left, we exchanged mobile numbers and he asked me to have coffee with him once the kids were back in school. We agreed to also meet the next week at a playground with the boys.
This is where things really started. At first our texts were innocent and straightforward. The follow-up playdate didn’t happen because they got sick. It was at this time that I admitted I liked him (via text). He said the feeling was mutual and that he wanted to see me. I think this was where we dropped the pretense of getting the boys together. We both knew that it was about us at that point. Unfortunately, we really had to wait over a week because the kids were still not in school and we couldn’t find the time. But in the days before school started, our texts got sexually explicit.
On the first day of school (4 days ago), he brought the kids to the school with his wife. We said hello but nothing else for obvious reasons. That was the first time we had seen each other since the playdate, though. But so much had occurred in our text messages! We talked about going out on evening dates somewhere, and why we wanted to be alone together. Later that morning (still the first day of school), I asked him via text when we could get together. I feel like this was always the pattern - I always texted him first and tried to push for a set time and date to get together, and he was always vague. This should’ve been a red flag, but I chose to ignore it.
Anyway, he replied that he wasn’t sure he could get together as his wife was home that day. Then, an hour or so before we had to pick up the kids, he texted me that he was horny and wanted me to give him a handjob. I told him to come over but that might be moving things a little too fast. I wanted to talk to him and come clean in person about our feelings. It was the only time that he texted me first. Another potential red flag I chose to ignore.
He did come over and we sat and talked for a bit. It was the first time we acknowledged our feelings in person. Of course, in retrospect, it was me acknowledging my feelings with him just nodding agreement. We talked briefly about how we had to keep it all a secret, etc. Then, we started kissing very passionately. Eventually, we both had our pants off and were having sex on my couch.
Then, he had to leave because we had to pick our kids up school. But we both agreed we would be doing it again, and that we couldn’t tell one single person, etc. I told him I was free the next two days while the kids were in school. He was vague about when he could see me. Another red flag, and yes, I ignored it.
As he left, though, he seemed happy and kissed me passionately before he left. It was kind of exciting seeing him at the school 30 minutes later and pretending nothing happened. All the rest of the day and evening, I felt happy. I was excited to have a secret lover and I couldn’t stop thinking about his body and how he kissed, etc. We texted a bunch that afternoon, but never once did he say he was glad it happened, that he was thinking about me, or anything nice like that. Another red flag. I’ve since realized that he is a man who keeps his feelings to himself and is not very expressive.
I thought for sure he would text me the next morning, but when I didn’t hear from him, I sent him a message telling him that I was aching for him and wanted him to meet him that day. He was very rude and said he had things to do and we wouldn’t be doing this every day. I was so hurt and shocked at his response. After several texts back and forth, he said that he was up half the night feeling bad. He was too overcome with remorse and guilt, and we couldn’t meet again. We talked on the phone at that point. He wasn’t very nice, even on the phone.
I was devastated and confused. It seemed so different than how he was the day before. When we were together, he didn’t seem to have any qualms about entering into a secret affair with me - none whatsoever. He even said his wife once had a lover, and that everyone needed something on the side. His changed attitude really made no sense to me, but I’ve since decided that he might have felt overwhelmed. It was probably clear that I was not going to be an easy person to have an affair with. I am sensitive and I’ve never been good at casual sex. I think he saw the potential disaster that this situation was - neighbors, kids go to same school, I know his wife, etc coupled with my emotional needs. Just too much.
That was three days ago, and I think it was the right decision not to continue with the affair. He is a very unemotional person from what I can tell. Because of his job, he’s probably always had to keep his emotions in check, I suppose. That wouldn’t have been a good fit for me. I wanted someone that he was not (emotionally responsive, excited to be with me, wanting and desiring me, etc.). I think he wanted casual sex with no strings attached, which is something I can’t do. Of course, I think he handled it very, very badly. He could’ve been nicer about the whole thing, which he was not and that hurts a lot.
I’m also feeling tremendously guilty about cheating on my husband. My husband is a good man and loves me deeply. It would hurt and gut him if he ever found out. I can’t believe I risked my marriage and family over this man who was not worth it. The affair was unsatisfying in every way, even sexually (I was too nervous to relax and climax). He never behaved the way I wanted, was not attentive, and gave me no compliments. He never told me why he liked me. I can’t even remember him ever calling me by my name. I think I had built up a fantasy about him that was not realistic and not who he really was.
This man and I decided never to tell anyone, and we’ve deleted all the text messages. There is no way anyone will ever find out. But I am left with a very raw feeling inside. I feel like it was such a mistake, and the guilt is getting to me. What makes it worse is that I still think about how exciting it was to have his hands all over my body and his lips on mine. I don’t really want that again with someone like him again. He and I were not the right fit - it would’ve caused me so much more misery than it has. Yet, I still can’t stop thinking about that part of it.
So there is my situation. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few days. At this point, I am wanting nothing more than to make my husband happy and make it up to him. I can’t believe all that I risked for someone who was not worth it. I need to find a way to fix the holes and problems in my life so I don’t need another man to validate myself. It’s so difficult, and I hope I can eventually forgive myself. Thanks for reading.