Had sex with someone else, and now I feel miserable!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Had sex with someone else, and now I feel miserable!
23
Sun, 08-26-2012 - 8:34pm

Hello everyone! I am new here, but I've been reading this board for about a month. For many weeks, I’ve struggled with wanting to start an affair with a man who lives in my neighborhood. He and I are both married, and we have been attracted to one another for about 4 months. For the last few weeks, I pretty much had my mind made up that I would have an affair with him. But it is so messed up - our kids go to the same school and our sons are in the same grade. We ended up having sex once (4 days ago), and it has turned out to be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Here is the story.

Toward the end of this past school year, this man and I started talking. I had spoken to him a few times before during the year, and I always found him to be unfriendly and not so pleasant. But I started working out and losing weight during the school year, and I started taking more pride in my appearance. I started noticing him checking me out. I am embarrassed to say that I found this intriguing. Eventually, we started talking at the school while we waited with our kids in line or waited to pick them up. I learned he was a cop, and I thought to myself that it made sense why he was so emotionally closed off. A very obvious mutual attraction between us developed, but we kept it clean (no flirting, just talking, etc.). It was all very pleasant and it made me feel good. When summer happened, I was a little bummed but didn’t give it much thought.

Over the summer, I ended up thinking about this man a lot. Occasionally, I walked or drove near his house (not on purpose - we live around the corner from one another). I also saw him drive by my house a lot. Sometimes, we waved. Twice we ran into each other and talked briefly. The second time I ran into him (which was about 3 weeks ago), the attraction felt so powerful that I knew I had to find a way to see him again before the start of the school year. So, through his wife whose email address I have, I invited his son over to play. I purposefully chose a time when I knew she would be working and her husband had to bring the boy over (he works the swing shift and is home during the day with his kids). Sneaky, I know.

When the playdate finally happened, about two weeks ago, this man and I sat and talked while the boys played. The attraction was so overwhelming and mutual, it was crazy. Nothing was said really, but the interest we showed in one another was intoxicating. I felt kind of alive. Anyway, when they left, we exchanged mobile numbers and he asked me to have coffee with him once the kids were back in school. We agreed to also meet the next week at a playground with the boys.

This is where things really started. At first our texts were innocent and straightforward. The follow-up playdate didn’t happen because they got sick. It was at this time that I admitted I liked him (via text). He said the feeling was mutual and that he wanted to see me. I think this was where we dropped the pretense of getting the boys together. We both knew that it was about us at that point. Unfortunately, we really had to wait over a week because the kids were still not in school and we couldn’t find the time. But in the days before school started, our texts got sexually explicit.

On the first day of school (4 days ago), he brought the kids to the school with his wife. We said hello but nothing else for obvious reasons. That was the first time we had seen each other since the playdate, though. But so much had occurred in our text messages! We talked about going out on evening dates somewhere, and why we wanted to be alone together. Later that morning (still the first day of school), I asked him via text when we could get together. I feel like this was always the pattern - I always texted him first and tried to push for a set time and date to get together, and he was always vague. This should’ve been a red flag, but I chose to ignore it.

Anyway, he replied that he wasn’t sure he could get together as his wife was home that day. Then, an hour or so before we had to pick up the kids, he texted me that he was horny and wanted me to give him a handjob. I told him to come over but that might be moving things a little too fast. I wanted to talk to him and come clean in person about our feelings. It was the only time that he texted me first. Another potential red flag I chose to ignore.

He did come over and we sat and talked for a bit. It was the first time we acknowledged our feelings in person. Of course, in retrospect, it was me acknowledging my feelings with him just nodding agreement. We talked briefly about how we had to keep it all a secret, etc. Then, we started kissing very passionately. Eventually, we both had our pants off and were having sex on my couch.

Then, he had to leave because we had to pick our kids up school. But we both agreed we would be doing it again, and that we couldn’t tell one single person, etc. I told him I was free the next two days while the kids were in school. He was vague about when he could see me. Another red flag, and yes, I ignored it.

As he left, though, he seemed happy and kissed me passionately before he left. It was kind of exciting seeing him at the school 30 minutes later and pretending nothing happened. All the rest of the day and evening, I felt happy. I was excited to have a secret lover and I couldn’t stop thinking about his body and how he kissed, etc. We texted a bunch that afternoon, but never once did he say he was glad it happened, that he was thinking about me, or anything nice like that. Another red flag. I’ve since realized that he is a man who keeps his feelings to himself and is not very expressive.

I thought for sure he would text me the next morning, but when I didn’t hear from him, I sent him a message telling him that I was aching for him and wanted him to meet him that day. He was very rude and said he had things to do and we wouldn’t be doing this every day. I was so hurt and shocked at his response. After several texts back and forth, he said that he was up half the night feeling bad. He was too overcome with remorse and guilt, and we couldn’t meet again. We talked on the phone at that point. He wasn’t very nice, even on the phone.

I was devastated and confused. It seemed so different than how he was the day before. When we were together, he didn’t seem to have any qualms about entering into a secret affair with me - none whatsoever. He even said his wife once had a lover, and that everyone needed something on the side. His changed attitude really made no sense to me, but I’ve since decided that he might have felt overwhelmed. It was probably clear that I was not going to be an easy person to have an affair with. I am sensitive and I’ve never been good at casual sex. I think he saw the potential disaster that this situation was - neighbors, kids go to same school, I know his wife, etc coupled with my emotional needs. Just too much.

That was three days ago, and I think it was the right decision not to continue with the affair. He is a very unemotional person from what I can tell. Because of his job, he’s probably always had to keep his emotions in check, I suppose. That wouldn’t have been a good fit for me. I wanted someone that he was not (emotionally responsive, excited to be with me, wanting and desiring me, etc.). I think he wanted casual sex with no strings attached, which is something I can’t do. Of course, I think he handled it very, very badly. He could’ve been nicer about the whole thing, which he was not and that hurts a lot.

I’m also feeling tremendously guilty about cheating on my husband. My husband is a good man and loves me deeply. It would hurt and gut him if he ever found out. I can’t believe I risked my marriage and family over this man who was not worth it. The affair was unsatisfying in every way, even sexually (I was too nervous to relax and climax). He never behaved the way I wanted, was not attentive, and gave me no compliments. He never told me why he liked me. I can’t even remember him ever calling me by my name. I think I had built up a fantasy about him that was not realistic and not who he really was.

This man and I decided never to tell anyone, and we’ve deleted all the text messages. There is no way anyone will ever find out. But I am left with a very raw feeling inside. I feel like it was such a mistake, and the guilt is getting to me. What makes it worse is that I still think about how exciting it was to have his hands all over my body and his lips on mine. I don’t really want that again with someone like him again. He and I were not the right fit - it would’ve caused me so much more misery than it has. Yet, I still can’t stop thinking about that part of it.

So there is my situation. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few days. At this point, I am wanting nothing more than to make my husband happy and make it up to him. I can’t believe all that I risked for someone who was not worth it. I need to find a way to fix the holes and problems in my life so I don’t need another man to validate myself. It’s so difficult, and I hope I can eventually forgive myself. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 08-26-2012 - 9:42pm

Wow!  It sounds like you already have a lot of insight and clarity this soon after the event, which is to be commended.  Most people are so in the fog that it is hard to see the big picture as clearly as you see it.  I am impressed!

I'm sorry you chose such a jerk for your encounter.  I was the same way with my first AP.  He was just an a$$, no two ways about it.  And he is still an a$$, 3 years later!  LOL...we have some contact through a club we belong to, but I stay away from him, because he will always be exactly as he is.  And like you, I still feel a strong physical attraction to him, despite a disgust for his general personality.  Oh well!  I chalk it up to biology and let my rational mind take the driver's seat when I am around him.

The guilt is hard to deal with.  At least if you feel a connection with your partner, you can chalk it up to love or romance or whatever, but when the AP falls short emotion-wise, it leaves you understanding the betrayal earlier on.  I think you have to make a decision about how you will deal with it. You can positively use the guilt to make a change for the better in your M.  You can vow to never cheat again, and work to find ways to get closer to your H again (if possible).  You can also choose to let it eat you up and ruin your M and your life.  That doesn't sound like a good choice, does it?  I say, you made your decision and you clearly learned from your mistakes. Apply what you learned and make positive changes, and  get the best out of it since it is already done.  I recently (shockingly) got pregnant and decided to have an abortion.  It would be very easy to let the guilt overwhelm me due to my feelings about the value of human life, but beating myself up about my decision would be pointless at this juncture.  Instead, I made decisions about how to make sure this never happens again.  That life was not in vain, because it has made me make some hard choices, and it has given me the reason to stick by those choices when temptation is strong.  You made a choice that you are not proud of, but if it causes you to make good changes in your life, then it was not a pointless mistake.  All you can do is learn from your mistakes and try not to make them again.

Give yourself a hug, forgive yourself, and go try to lobe your H the way you want to love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010

About this question: everything you have said about him makes him appear to be very shallow.  I am guessing that he wasn't interested before because you were not attractive to him, and that as you improved your appearance, he became interested in you sexually because you are now attractive.  So to me, that means your body is clearly good enough for him.  He didn't want the other stuff---the daily texting, the emotions, the connection.  That is what turned him off, and that is what made him not want to continue.  In fact, I would not be surprised at all if in a month or so, he is back sniffing around for more sex.  So I'm guessing he found you attractive sexually, but simply too desirous of a connection for his tastes.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 4:26pm

Ugh... sounds like he put on his "good cop" act in order to get what he wanted out of you and that's about it.  He says he's dealing with guilt, but really I doubt it.  In fact I'm willing to bet in a few weeks, 2 months max, you'll be hearing from him again.  Guarantee it.  Chalk it up as lesson learned, won't do that again.  This is why I always play it cautious and never have an affair that close to home and take the AM route.  If you do see him in public, steer clear of him as quickly as you can.  Do not interact with the guy because he will try and squeeze a foot in the door only to do this again to you.  As for your guilty conscience, don't let it eat you up.  I understand that your husband might be a good man, but he is obviously not making you happy for one reason or another and that's why you turned to an affair.  Now if you haven't talked to your husband you might want to consider "talking" to him about what you're missing in the marriage.  Obviously you don't want to disclose what happened, that will benefit no one.  If you have tried talking to your husband and he's still not acting on your requests or improving the home life, then I hate to say it but he shares some of the blame for your wandering eye.  You're only human and you're need human contact, unfortunately it wasn't the best first experience.  

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009

You're still mixed up after realizing how you could lose your marriage over nothing, as you say not even good sex?

He's a cop! You know what that means? He has had car sex with a dozen of women, who like you think he's hot, specially in uniform. I hope you used protection at least.

It looks like you haven't really learned your lesson.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 9:12pm
Hey, don't assume all cops are cold and out sleeping around amd thats why he pulled away. There are plenty of warm, loving cops and I know this for a fact :smileyhappy:.

I think he realized the situation could turn bad in a hurry being your so close in your surroundings and your kids go to school together. He may have experienced guilt as well. My advice is to chalk it up to a bad experience that has nothing to do with his profession but more so as his personality. I know how hard it is to let it go when that attraction is there but remember the ugly side he showed you when you have those moments of weakness. Hang in there!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
daisy.girl91121 wrote:
Hey, don't assume all cops are cold and out sleeping around amd thats why he pulled away. There are plenty of warm, loving cops and I know this for a fact :smileyhappy:.

I think he realized the situation could turn bad in a hurry being your so close in your surroundings and your kids go to school together. He may have experienced guilt as well. My advice is to chalk it up to a bad experience that has nothing to do with his profession but more so as his personality. I know how hard it is to let it go when that attraction is there but remember the ugly side he showed you when you have those moments of weakness. Hang in there!!!

Plenty? :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 12:50am
Well I know at least 1 lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 8:20am
Hi janeellyre, Read the book "when good people have affairs" it asks tough questions that make you work to realize why and where you want your life to go.

Sometimes I wonder if we just get to a stage where everything is so blah, and we just want to shake it up and feel like we are really living. Getting added attention can make you feel alive. Don't be so hard on yourself, mistakes are learning lesson, you made a choice you acted on it. Now make new choices and move on. He was a jerk, remember that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It is hard to pick up on someone's traits via text and off and on contact.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2010

I know you weren't, I was just kidding around with you.  Yes, his actions were horrible and in all honesty, some of the not sharing too much about his personal life is most likely because of his profession but the rude, mean behavior, well that is just who he is as a person and you are lucky that you saw that early on rather than weeks or even months down the road. 

Sometimes the chase is what draws us to this place..he is attractive, you enjoyed yourself with him and the idea of having that "secret lover" was inticing to you so you were able to look past some things that in normal settings you would have seen and reacted different.  The fact that he did not tell you he enjoyed it or was looking forward to it again to me is not a red flag, men control their emotions much different than women and we need that reassurance of yes it was good for him because from the time we are little, we are taught to please people but boys and I will say especially him as a cop, he has been trained to turn off emotions so you being intimate with him does not mean he did not enjoy it or like it because he didn't give you the reaction you were hoping for. 

I hope that you will let him go because he does not sound like someone that will give you what you are looking for.  Seeing him at school every day is going to be tough but just try to ignore those feelings of wanting him again.