happily married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
happily married?
20
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 3:04pm

Single gal here asking the married folks,


I have to ask the question. Many times over and over I have read we are "happily married" or happily married. I would like to know why do you say happily married if you are involved in a A? I ask my MM that question; though he does not say happily. He says he's married and he refers to her as "they". I remember when I was married I could not say happily, cause that would imply contentment, fulfilled &

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 2:44pm

You're mistaking morality with feelings.

I didn't say I didn't make a choice about having an A. I have no time for people who claim "I didn't mean to have an A, I just fell in love with him and it happened!" Every step a person takes towards having an A is a step they could have chosen not to take. We should at least be self-aware enough to see that and accept that we did something we weren't supposed to do.

However, the question the OP asked wasn't "Is it morally acceptable to have an A?" It was, "Is it possible to be happily married and have an A?" My answer is yes. I'm happily married and happy in my A. No one ever likes to hear that someone can be happy in both. As anyone who sticks around this board knows, misery loves company. No one likes to hear that someone has it all and is perfectly happy.

And in case you're thinking, "Yeah but that poor woman's husband, he only thinks he has it all" - a lot of good has come to my marriage and my family because of my A. I can't go into detail about what that is, but I doubt anyone would believe it anyway.

So you can go on believing that no one who acts in a way contrary to their wedding vows can really be happy, or you could open your eyes to the possibility that not everyone feels or thinks the way you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 3:52pm

"Is it possible to be happily married and have an A?" My answer is yes. I'm happily married and happy in my A.


So you can go on believing that no one who acts in a way contrary to their wedding vows can really be happy


How can you be completely happy knowing that you're deceiving your husband, who you made vows to to forsake all others?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 4:21pm

I understand that you don't see it my way, and that's fine. Most people don't. Where I differ from most people is that I don't think physical or emotional fidelity is the utmost proof of respect for your spouse or the ultimate badge of honor for a marriage.

"I will love and honor you" consists of a lot more than "I'll be physically faithful to you." It means things like, I'll stay away from harmful addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, and food, and I'll take care of myself physically and emotionally so I can always be there for you. I'll do my best to provide for you and our children. I'll listen to you and pay attention to you and make more time for you than I do for myself. When you're physically or mentally ill, I won't abandon you.

All of those things, to me, say as much, or more, about "love and respect" than physical or emotional fidelity.

Hopefully that helps you understand a little bit. I'm glad you are in a happy marriage now, I really am. I wish everyone were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 4:47pm

" I'll stay away from harmful addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, and food, and I'll take care of myself physically and emotionally so I can always be there for you. "

These words, used in context of an affair, are a complete contradiction. After 24 years of fidelity I had an affair--and I knew I did not love my husband once I was intimate with another man.

Soon I will be free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 4:49pm

"I would like to know why do you say happily married if you are involved in a A? I ask my MM that question; though he does not say happily. He says he's married and he refers to her as "they". I remember when I was married I could not say happily, cause that would imply contentment, fulfilled &

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 5:14pm

shouldi, I'm trying... really, I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 7:00pm

Shesant ~


I was afraid of that! I know he has the mentality that he does not want to leave his marriage. He tells me that there is so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 7:04pm

I know that when I started my A I was feeling completely disconnected from my H - and over the years I had suggested MC to H with no consent on his part.

In January I insisted on MC because I was thinking of leaving my H after my A started, and my AP, whom I consider a best friend, urged me to try to improve my M before deciding. He was right.

My M is so much better due to the communication and connection of MC. But yet my love for AP has grown over the past 6 months. So I am not leaving my M (we have young kids and neither AP nor I want that to be disrupted) but I still value the time I have with AP and the ironic thing is . . .I would have left my M if AP had not urged me repeatedly to do MC. So now I am deeply in love with two men . . . life CAN BE stranger than fiction!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 10:51am

My point was that there are many, many ways to NOT love and honor someone, but there is a special venom in American society reserved for people who are having an A that isn’t heaped on people who are bad or even just lame spouses in other ways.

If my DH were to spend all his time in front of a computer instead of taking time to be with me, or go out with his friends on the weekend without me, or spend our savings on a boat or a pickup truck, or put on 100 lbs and develop severe health problems, or refuse to give up cigarettes and develop emphysema, or ignore the early signs of cancer, or consistently ignore my unhappiness, or neglect our children, he would not be loving and honoring me. Yet very few people would say, "He hasn’t given up smoking? He spent $40,000 of your joint savings without telling you? Well, that marriage should be OVER!" To ME, in all those cases, the consequences would be far, far worse than if he were in a long-term, let’s-call-it-bigamous relationship of which I was ignorant but that made him happy and made him a better husband to me and a better father to our children. I don’t think he’s having such a relationship, and I wouldn’t particularly want to know the details of it if he were, but if the results were for him what they are for me, I’d be okay with it. I strongly suspect he prefers not to inquire too deeply into my relationship with my AP because it doesn’t adversely affect us. I could be wrong of course, but I’ve been in this A for many years, and my marriage has only improved during that time.

People’s marriages are different. Other women put up with things from their spouses that I would find completely unacceptable. All you have to do is look at someone else’s marriage that seems to work for them, but that you could never stand, to see that people have different interpretations of what “love and honor” means. Who am I to judge whether someone else’s marriage is good or not, or if one spouse believes they're being loved and honored? It’s their business, not mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 11:07am

I've often wondered the same thing about the phrase "happily married."

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