Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 9:24am

I got to see AP last night...YAY!!!  It was another nice night.  Actually, it was amazing! Laughing 

He said to me at one point, "did you miss me?"  Um, I didn't know what to say.  That is not normally like him.  It made me feel great and wonder if he missed me.  I didn't have enough guts to ask though, and didn't give a direct answer, but let him know that I did. 

Now probably starts Ignoreville, but I am getting so much better about that and it doesn't bother me as much.  After all this time, I am getting more secure with this relationship that we have. 



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2012
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 10:41am

I know the feeling.  How long have you been seeing each other?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 11:43am

I love the day after feeling. 

6 years.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2012
In reply to: hereagain09
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 2:10pm

SIX YEARS??  Are you serious?  Wow.  We're heading into our one year around July and he's telling me it has to be two more years before he's ready to leave.  Is AP planning to leave his W or not?  Are you M too?

 I'm in a terrible funk from reading other postings on another site.  I love MM... but not sure I'm cut out for this.  I will be divorced next week and have been "single" since October, although I only recently moved into my own place.  The "Ignoresville" as you call it, drives me mad.   I just don't see how I'm going to do this for at least 2 years, not to mention, who even knows if he will leave THEN?  

Didn't mean to rain on your parade..  I just saw MM at lunch, but it was a working date at my apartment while he did some home maintenence items I wanted him to do (with a few kisses thrown in).  We're co-workers so we are back at work, but he just told me today that he's been slacking off working with all our IMing and that he needs to focus more on his job.  He told me I need to understand that and quit moping around.  Well, when he ignores me for an entire weekend AND every evening, all I have to look forward to is our work day..and since he effectively took MOST of that time away, what does it leave me?  I said something to him about not being a priority and his comment was, "Well, then maybe I'm not right for you." I didn't say anything, but I can't help but think I've been thinking the same thing!   How IS he right for me???  

Again..sorry to be Debbie Downer.  Just really REALLY having a hard time with everything right now.  I'm happy for you though... just amazed at your time frame!

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 2:57pm

Yup, 6 years.  AP is not m, but I am.  I tried to leave a couple of years ago, but not for AP.  I ended up back with my H, and I do love him, but I love AP also.  AP is single, but has had gf's and has one now.  I am still with H and no plans to leave.  I have a little one and all...AP understands it and deals with it well.  Even when I say that I can't get out for a week or so, he is really good about it and says he wants me anyways.  The compatibility is incredible.

Don't worry about being a Debbie Downer, I don't mind talking about anything.  And if you are in a funk, I believe that you should talk about it with someone.

Is he talking about leaving?  Two years?  That must be so hard for you.  My AP has never mentioned us being a real "couple", so I don't deal with that.  I take what we have and it works for me.  Although, I do miss him terrribly and we have not worked together for like 3 years.  Ignoreville drives me mad too, but it is the way it is.  Like I said, I think I am getting more secure with everything, and it is getting easier.  I think it makes both of us miss each other a little more, and that is not a bad thing.

Maybe it is something you should think about being newly single.  Is he right for you?  Do you want to be involved with a married man who may or may not leave his W for you?  Are you so in love, that you wouldn't consider dating other single men?  These are questions you have to search yourself and answer.  A's are not easy.  I have not been the single one, but I can only imagine.

His work might be suffering while he im's you and all.  And since you only get that time, then it's hard not to want to be his priority.  It's hard to understand and not to mope.  If you want to be with him, then you would have to try to understand.  Does he have children?  How does he feel about his W?  Those are factors. 

It is still early in the A for both of you.  You are still working out the details of the A...the parimeters, the time you get, and how much of a priority you are.  This may be something you should talk about with him because it concerns you.

Again, don't worry about being a downer with me...I am happy to talk about anything.  You can always talk to me through the boards or pm me anytime.  Hope I helped you out at least a little bit.  Smile


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 8:18pm
glad you got some time together, you must take what you have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
In reply to: lisaebby
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 12:23pm

Lost - I'm the same user as Hereagain...something happened with my log in, and I guess I used this handle before(??)  

Anyway, to answer your questions.  Pretty much from the onset, he CHOSE me (apparently) as his next wife/partner, ???  Not sure, but he has said he feels we are very compatible, we're soul mates, he wants to take care of me and would be so proud to "show me off" to his friends.  My nickname to him is TG or Trophy Girl...  I used to take offense to that saying I didn't WANT to be a trophy wife or girl, but now I think it's cute.  He likes my build, my look, my hair, my style...where he says he doesn't like his W's.  Although, when I commented I thought she was attractive when I saw her profile on FB, he said, "Of course she is..do you think I would be married to someone ugly?" hmm

He cares about his W and doesn't want to hurt her.  He has 2 boys, one is 18 and one is 15 or 16.  He thought he was going to leave after the oldest graduated this summer.  Now he says he needs to wait until he is done raising his youngest son. That he just cannot leave until he does this.  I realize this is important to him and have told him I can wait...but geesh..two years!?  That seems like an eternity. Not to mention he has told me repeatedly there are no guarantees... :(  

I don't want to or have any desire to date anyone else...right now.  Of course, other than one friend asking me if I'd like to go out with one of her newly single friends, I haven't had any offers either...  But I'm ok with that.  

Friday afternoon I actually tried breaking things off though.  I was in such a funk and really not looking forward to the weekend that when MM called me on our interoffice phones, I told him I wasn't happy, that his health was suffering (he has been having chest pains which he claims is stress related), he didn't want to get caught  but we knew was going to happen eventually, it wasn't fair to me and on and on.  I told him I was the stronger one in the relationship AND the one who did the harder (but proper thing) of leaving her M, so I was going to be the stronger one and call us done.  He asked if that was really what I wanted and I said no it wasn't, but it was the right thing to do.  He said he would talk to me later and hung up.  About an hour later, he was getting ready to leave so he called me again to tell me that our tentative plans for getting together on Monday were scrapped cause of something that had come up at work.  I was confused because I thought I broke things off (and had been trying not to cry for the entire hour)!  

He seemed sort of confused when I reminded him we were over.  He said, "What does that mean exactly?  No relationship?"  I said that was correct. Then he asked if I would still allow him to come to my place to do some more odds and ends for me that need done. I said No - he couldn't come over any more.  Then I said I would try to remain friends and would still talk to him, but it was going to be hard.  Of course the entire time we're talking, I'm crying!  He paused..sounded upset and then said, "Ok, if that's what you want...have a good weekend" and hung up.  I ended up running to his office with a container of food that he had given me earlier (his wife had made him a birthday cake and he GIVES ME A PIECE!... Seriously?  I'm supposed to eat something SHE made for him??)   When I walked into his office and saw him, my heart literally was beating out of my chest... When people say A's are an addiction, they are not kidding.  HE IS MY DRUG and vice versa.   We stood there talking and I was crying...telling him I couldn't continue doing this.  He agreed that it was so unfair to me and I deserve so much more than he can give me now.  I smacked him on the shoulder and said, "Damn you!  You made me fall in love with you...for what?  I changed my life because of you...for WHAT?"  That's when HE lost it and started crying and said that no, he had fallen in love with me first and he was so sorry.  That he hated to see me crying and hurting, but that he just needed to finish raising his kids.   He seems to think if he leaves, he's leaving his kids...they aren't little like they would have to do the whole 50/50 custody thing, but in his mind, that is how it would work.  I told him he just wants to keep the family unit together for his kids...he agreed.

So, to make a long story short, we talked, we cried... I leaned over and kissed him and the next thing I know he has his door locked and we are standing in his office hugging and kissing each other...  OMG.  WTF.  But after that, we are both smiling, feeling better and we go our separate ways.  I talked to him for about 30 minutes while he was driving home...he said we need to decide in a rational, calm, adult manner what is best FOR ME.  I said I know what is best, HE knows what is best, but neither of us wants to let the other go.  We got no where.  I told him it's like riding a merry-go-round that we can't get off of.

He called me yesterday which surprised me being that I don't often hear from him on the weekend.  I think he was sort of gauging where my head/emotions were at.  I was fine, glad to talk to him and everything is status quo.

I either need to learn to quit being so needy and just take what I can get from him in regards to time (which oh by the way he told me is getting more and more difficult to come up with "stories" and I don't realize what he has to go through to see me) or we need to just end it.   Right now, I just can't fathom living without him in my life in some way or another.  I love him like I've never loved anyone else... I'm totally head over heels crazy about him.  I need my head examined!! :(    I told him it might just be a transition period between me living with my girlfriend to being on my own and eventually, I won't be as needy... he says that might be it, but its only natural for me to want to see him MORE the stronger my feelings get..  

So how do you handle it so well, Lost???  How do you not drive yourself crazy other than the fact you have an H and a child?  It makes a WORLD of difference when one of you is single..I"m just finding that out now -- which also compounds the loneliness.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
In reply to: sireanita
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 3:56pm


what a sad story. Kind of similar to mine, except that your AP seems to be more open to be there for you even if you break up. Mine made it look like I don't care about him, refused to talk to me, that despite telling me months before that we could be friends if things don't work out. Hmmm, maybe it was his initial reaction.

And I have to admit that I also run after him after the break up. But I don't feel better. It was better at that moment, but I'm feeling just as resentful, actually even more because he made sure that I was in love with him and he maintain it, until I would start asking about the situation with the W. And I'm starting to feel mislead. After a year in the country (his W is a recent immigrant), which corresponds to the time we've been together in a hidden A, he told me that he's not planning to break up with her in the near future. Last June, he told me to wait for himk a little bit, that he couldn't continue like that for a long time, that it's not good neither for him, nor for her or the kids who feel it when the relationship is not working.

Don't call yourself needy. I used to think that, but when you think of it, it's totally normal to want your man to be with you, not with another woman. You're not supposed to feel ok with little bits of time or help that he's giving you.. The normal thing is to have it all and not be happy when you don't.

If he "allows" you to date other men, you should do it, without expectations that you would fall in love with them, but just to enjoy male company and I'm sure that little by little, you'll be less focused on him. Not to mention that knowing that you might leave him for another guy will make him want to make more efforts for you. 

Unfortunately, nobody can give garantees about the future. I'm sure you wouldn't yourself. But what i'm thinking that maybe the reason some MM who seemed to have been in love with the mistress in the beginning, lose interest in her, precisely because of her complaining and that comes from overfocusing on him. Even if he loves you now, if you stay there with a negative attitude (which is normal when our needs are not being met), he'll feel it and that will affect his feelings for you. Wether you complain or keep things for yourself, you won't be the fun and enjoyable woman that would motivate him and to be such woman, you have to enjoy your life. You just have to find things in your life other than him that you love and that will take focus off him. 

I started making new friends and some new activities. I'm feeling much better now. I decided that even if he expects a full commitment from me, I'll still be flirting and talking to men. I've never been a flirt and I stopped openly dating, but receiving attention from men, no matter whether they interest you or not, will help you feel better in general and he will feel it. he won't know why, but he'll feel that you're more fulfilled. And then, once you feel better, you might even lose interest in that relationship.

You should realize that he feels bad when he sees you unhappy and that could make him want to break up. But don't think that the solution is to pretend. The solution is to make yourself happy with things that you love and view him as a compliment to your life. As a man who gives you affection that you deserve, sex, help or whatever he gives you and he'd better give it to you if he wants to keep you. But since he's staying there with the W (I mean seriously, a 16 y o can survive perfectly fine with separated parents), you def. shouldn't feel bad to do what's best FOR YOU, because he's doing what's best for HIM. No matter what he says and how he cries or whatever.

I think that lostbutnotfound feels ok with her AP, because she has her life with her H and the AP is just there to spice up her life, whether our APs are the focus of our lives.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 9:59am

Hi Losaebby ~

Now I see why he wants to wait.  He sounds like a dedicated father and loves his kids.  But he is very smitten with you also.

What a roller coaster ride you are on.  It sounds like you want to do the right thing.  And you are correct, it is an addiction and it's hard to break. 

It's hard not to be needy.  I go through that sometimes, but I've learned to control it.  It is hard, and there are times when I want to talk to him and lean on him, but I try not to be that girl. 

How to I handle it so well?  I don't always.  lol  It's been over 6 years.  It's been a long learning experience for me and for him.  We have had major blow ups and major break ups.  It has never been peaches and cream with him; it's just that we are growing up and handling things better than we used to. 


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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 10:53am

Sireanita ~

You are mostly correct.  H and my little man keep me quite busy, and I do my best to keep my focus on them.  We are a busy family, and there are the everyday, normal things that keep me grounded.  Don't get me wrong, I do think about AP a lot, I just have a lot going on including working.  He is my "spice of life" so to speak.  lol  After over 6 years now, we have learned to appreciate the time we have and enjoy each other.  Not much more we can do, so why not have a good time!  Laughing


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