Happy Barefoot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Happy Barefoot!
10
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:08pm
Ok, first, sincere apologies to all those of you who are bummed out today. I promise to read your posts with sympathy. But today I need to do my civic duty to the board.

When I first started coming here, back in the should I or shouldn't I stage of my A, every time I'd look at the board, 8 out of the top ten posts basically said, help, i'm so unhappy! this guy is a dink! this A sucks!

Well, duhh, it's a support board. You come here when you need support. But it used to bum me out!!! I used to think, is NOBODY happy? And so I vowed that, when I was happy, I would post a happy post!

Except, I only came here when I was bummed out and needed support...

Well, today, barefootgirl is happy happy happy. I finally think I am figuring out this EMA thing. It has been very hard. I am a very practical, unemotional person, so when I met MM and fell madly in love with him, it threw me for a huge loop. I wanted it to be all light and casual. Instead, I did all the crazy stuff. I obsessed. I overthought things. I thought every 2-day NC was THE END. I desperately wished to know his feelings.

But for some reason, this week, it seems to have finally clicked. I had lunch with MM last week and we were talking about friendship, and I started to realize how many lifelong friends he has. And what a good, reliable friend he is to them. And I remebered all the times , when I worried about this ending badly, that he said things to me like "why does it ever have to end, sugah?". I always dismissed those words as hogwash. Flings END, duh. But he would look at me with a not-understanding-you look on his face. And then, when plans fell through and I would get upset, he would be all confused and would say, "Baby, there's always next week. What's all the fuss?" He couldn't really understand my disappointment.

The way I interpreted it was, he didn't care much about me. Why wasn't HE more disappointed? But suddenly now, I realize that there was an essential difference. When he drove off, I'd always thought, "I wonder if I'll ever see that guy again". Whereas because he sees this relationship as a friendship, and he has all these lifelong friends, HE just assumed it was permanent.

I've always thought that love was "more" (bigger, better) than friendship. I always thought that I was giving more to MM than he was giving to me. When he'd describe us as "friends", I'd wince. I'd think, we're LOVERS, goddamit. But suddenly I see what he is actually offering me, and the awesome value of it. I might be offering him intensity of feeling, but he's offering me a permanent position in his world. Forever. And I've been taking it for granted all along.

Holy moly! That's heavy. I'm totally overwhelmed. This whole post may make zero sense to anybody here. But I thought I'd post it, because I'm so happy I could burst.

happy happy happy barefoot

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:18pm


WOOHOO!!!!

Barefoot, I think you've got it!

And I, for one, understand. Not because I don't want _more_ of MM, but because I'm seeing a lot of the same with him. He's made his marriage last for 26 years. He has friends from forever. And he has no intention of going away...I guess I don't, either.

Relationships grow and change. I wish MiaMine would post more. She's been in an A for 30 years. I may find someone else to share the nights with at some point in my life - but I don't ever want to lose my Querido. And he's the kind of man that knows how to pick friends, and how to cherish those relationships. Sounds like yours is, too!

ENJOY!

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:22pm
Your post is simply brilliant! I hope everyone reads it and understands what you are saying.

That is the thing that drew me to my MM, he said he didn't want to do anything that would end out friendship. Friendship, he was very clear about what he expected from a friend; someone who didn't belittle his feelings, pressure him to be someone he is not, try to make him feel guilty, someone who would share the good times and the bad times, having a strong connection to, but not being tied to. I thought "what?". But after giving it some time to sink in, it dawned on me, he's talking about a long term relationship. Not a quickie someplace, but someone he wants to share part of his life with. The intimate side of it, he has always said, "we will take it at your pace, when and if you are ready. But only if YOU want to."

Like you wrote Barefootgirl about their offering friendship, "But suddenly I see what he is actually offering me, and the awesome value of it." That says it all to me. The value of a friend. Lovers are easy to come by, we are women - heavens, we just have to walk into a bar and find someone to have sex with. No skill or value there. But friendship, that's a valuable commodity to me.

I adore the friend I have in MM; the kindness, the concern about me and my life. That's what keep me coming back.

Enjoy your happiness, what you wrote is quiet an epiphany!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:15pm
WOW!!!!!! In an A for 30 yrs. I've been in one for less than a year and I feel ready for the loony bin. We are as carefull as we know how to be, but I am always worried about my H finding out. I really, really, really don't want him to get hurt. She's got to come back on and tell us how she has made this work for so long without getting busted or am I incorrectly assuming that her H doesn't know?

Barefoot, Congratulations, sounds like the beginning of better days for you. You make me feel better and I am glad you posted. I hope you have many more days like this.

Everthing is really good between us but I do get depressed when our plans are delayed, even though I understand and we reschedule. It just takes me a little while to get over it and get going again.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 7:50am
barefoot

Your post makes total sense! Its great that you have made that personal connection with MM. Now you realize you are an important person in his life and will always be that way. You on your side understand this now but also understand your boundries, it can't get any healthier than that!


congrats!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 8:33am
Awesome post, barefoot! And very similar to where i am as well. I'm most definitely the logical/unemotional type, and feeling myself fall harder for MM has really rocked my stable little world. But I'm HAPPY with our arrangement; he is such an enhancement to my life.

Best wishes!!! KC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:08am
Thank you for your post barefoot. Let's see where should I start... I guess I come here with my head bowed, as though I am worried what y'all will think of me. LOL I have been with my guy for 18 years (married 4 years ago). I had never strayed until I met a man in November. The next 5 months were a whirlwind of emotional stress and last month I made the decision to let him go to pursue another single woman. During those months I seriously considered ending my marriage and went through all the things everybody here goes through. Blah blah blah OK the head bowing part.... LOL In December I ran into the man I always referred to as the love of my life. My highschool sweetheart if you will. I had not seen this man in 16 years and even back in the day he had a girlfriend and I always had a boyfriend because we lived in separate towns. So I guess even at the age of 16 and 17 we were the proverbial "other persons" in the relationship. He was just the one I always got dreamy eyed over. We always had a lot of fun and he is amazingly gorgeous. Whew! Anyways we spent about 2 hours that night talking and sharing and I was completely blindsided when he shared that he had always felt that I was the ONE he was suppose to have been with as a life partner. He has now been married 10 years. I cannot believe all of the words that have come out of his mouth since then. Words I have always wanted to say to him he said to me. OK what is my point to all of this. He and I have met quite regularly for drinks when he is in town and it's just been awesome. We are so comfortable together, it's truly as though the last 16 years have not affected us at all. We picked up right where we were. OK again what is my point....

Geez I'm long winded. Sorry. All of this babble does have something to do with you "clicking". In the official Affair I had with the other man the emotional roller coaster thing drove me absolutely insane, the waiting for calls, the wondering, hoping, etc. This friendship I have developed with my highschool sweetheart has been completely different than the affair. I don't call him very often because it's just easier for him to contact me at work and nobody is the wiser. But one day I called him on a Thursday and quickly asked "are you busy?" He was dangling from a three story roof and he responded YES. I said "alright I'll catch you later." I did not receive a call that day, nor the following. The weekend passed and Monday still no word. But for some reason it did not affect me the way it would have with the affair guy. It was perfectly alright this time. He owes me nothing. I did not sit here and wonder "OMG what did I do to upset him? what had I done to drive him off?" On Tuesday the phone rang and it was him saying "I am so sorry I did not get the chance to call you back that day... are you up for a drink?" Of course I was so I drove there and he came in carrying a gorgeous long stemmed red rose with baby's breath and the works. The card read "With Love" and he hand wrote "Just thinking of you." He was so apologetic for not calling and said "I hope you're not upset with me." GEEZ!! I was so proud of myself that I had let this situation pan out the way I did. I am so proud that I did not phone him or fret or worry. I smiled and said "there are no rules... it's all good." He looked at me weird like and finished with "Well I'm glad you feel that way but just so you know that is not my normal way." A while later he said "what are you going to do with that rose?" Without missing a beat I said "Cherish It." I swung back by my office to put it in a vase and even one and a half weeks later it sits here beautifully.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:28pm
Thanks you guys!! You are all so sweet...sweet summer breeze, that's exactly what it felt like to me — "a quiet epiphany". And elf, I am close with my highschool sweetheart, too. Our situation is a little different because we dated a long time, 7 years or something, then married others. But we have remained friends, sometimes not speaking for a year or two, sometimes in frequent contact. I consider him a lifelong friend. We met at ages 13/14...he's almost a childhood friend. And those early friendships just seem to run deeper and last the longest. I hope it continues to be great for you, elf.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:48pm
Barefoot,

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your post was exactly what I needed today. For several reasons, I've been a little blue today about my A (and PMS is NOT helping!!). Because of some circumstances which I won't bore you with here, I am no longer able to contact my MM on a regular basis like I used to. So now I have to do the proverbial "waiting by the phone" (although in this case, it's my computer) just in case he has a moment to IM me. And it's been driving me nuts! In the past I never felt like, "Why hasn't he contacted me? Doesn't he care about me?" But in the last few days, that's exactly how I've felt.

Anyway, after reading your post, I immediately relaxed. Like your MM, mine has truly never understood my questions about when it will end, how it will end, will we still be friends when it ends. I once said to him "We should end this when it stops being fun." To which he replied, "When? In about 70 years?" And just the other day, I had my head on his chest and he was stroking my hair and he said, "You know, I never really believed that this would happen but now that it has, I can't imagine my life without you."

We have been friends for years and since we began this A, he has continued to treat me as a friend...with respect and dignity. He has always gone out of his way to make me feel treasured and special. Your post reminded me that, on days like today, I need to remember that I *am* a vital part of his life because he's never given me any reason to think otherwise.

Thanks again. Have a happy day!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:47am
I love this post!

It's definately something to think about!

Glad you are happy!

: )

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 2:20pm
Barefoot,


I needed your post more than you will ever know.. I am involved for over a year and a half and when I met up with MM about 2 months ago, he referred to me as a friend and it drove me insane.. I have had feelings of doubt ever since. I am married as well, but it is so hard to deal with my emotions sometimes..

thanks so much..

cassy