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| Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:18am |
THere are 200 miles between us, but we make a point of meeting every 2+ weeks and spending usually 4 hours together. We have managed an overnight, and a couple of times I have made it to him and he was able to stay until 2 or 3 am. I love this man. Heart, soul, mind and body. I know someday he and I will be together. I love my husband, but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who I can't talk to, and most importantly laugh with.
I like having an outlet here. Support, if you will. No one knows of his and my relationship. My sister knows he and I have a friendship, but not the extent. I know what I am doing has the potential of hurting people I love, and more than anything I don't want that to happen. But I don't feel guilty about loving this man. I don't feel guilty when we meet. He and I both have "disinterested" spouses, and I really think that works to our advantage. I wasn't "looking" for love that night he and I met, and yet I found my love and best friend. I believe there was a reason for our meeting that night.
Geez... I've rambled on. Sorry. Just so glad to have a place to talk about it all. Thanks for "listening". Take care all and Happy New Year!!!

honey, you sound really good, honest and like you have your head on straight. you have finally found, by sheer coincidence too, the man you want to be with!! okay, so you're both married to "disinterested" spouses. why should their disinterest be more important (i.e., staying married!) than your and MM's true happiness?
sounds like it's only a matter of time before you both leave those disinterested spouses and move on together! relax and enjoy each other. i think 2004 is going to be a very good year for you!!
gurl
and that's my question........what is your secret to being able to deal with the limitations?.....
i've been ending a 4 1/2 year A with a man i love completely....not that he's perfect (and neither am i!), but i just honestly love him, and i know he feels the same way about me......we're both married, but i want to be divorced in the near future, and he can't bring himself to make the necessary changes in his life so that we can be together......we, like you and your MM, have completely disinterested spouses, which is what drove us both to what was our first affair, and we fell completely in love with each other.....but it's been a very difficult struggle for me because i have not been able to handle knowing that he is not making the choice to change his life so that we can be together........that has always made me feel rejected terribly, even though what we had together was wonderful.......we spoke many times every day, and saw each other as much as possible, and got away together for an overnight at least four times a year.......we had our relationship problems like any other two people who are that close and spend a tremendous amount of time together, but we also worked really hard on the relationship issues that arose........and our time together was always incredible.......
with all of that being said, for whatever reason, i just couldn't handle the sadness that came with the limitations of the A......i couldn't handle our times apart, i was soo sad all of the time, and i just wanted him to make this decision for us to be together.......but he couldn't.......he said that if he could have what he wanted, he'd want nothing more than for us to share a life together.....that he longs for that and wants it more than anything.......he never said that he won't ever get a divorce, but he also can't say he definitely will or when that would be.......he would say he doesn't want to be married to her, but because of the circumstances of his life, he couldn't bring himself to make that decision, but hoped that in the future he would be able to........i never got any comfort from him saying that he hoped it would happen in the future.......but i guess it did keep me hoping and hoping.....
i have tried to end our A many times only because for me the sadness was outweighing the happiness and i couldn't take it........but i have tried so many times to figure out what i could do differently, or how i could feel differently, or perceive things differently so as to be able to continue our relationship but not be destroyed by it......and now, after being apart from him for almost 2 months, i miss him so much and am so miserable without him, but don't want to make a mistake just because i'm missing him right now.....
i've been on the ending the affair board seeking support in going through this time, but i've wanted to ask here on this board how people deal with all of the things i wasn't able to deal with.....i've been wanting to meet people like you just to ask them how they handle the downside of an affair, and you seem to be handling this very well......how do you deal with the times that you can't be together without being overcome with sadness?.........and are you hoping that you and he will make a life together some day, and if so, is he saying that he wants the same thing?......how do you deal him doing things with his wife, going places, vacations, holidays, etc?.....
many people would think i'm absolutely insane for considering returning to the A after what they've known be to have gone through these past 4 years, but i keep thinking that maybe there's a way for me to deal with it, since i'm not ready to get a divorce right now.......
thanks for any responses you might have, and i do wish you all the best in the new year.........ada
Yes, I do plan on being with my love at some point in the future. Right now he and I are both okay with staying in our respective marriages, more or less for the sake of our children. He has a child in college, one in high school, and one who just started kindergarten! I would not uproot my children (he wouldn't ask me), nor would I ever ask him to leave his to come here. I realize that this is far from an ideal situation, but I am thankful for the time that he and I are able to be together. He and I talked at the beginning of our relationship about jealousy and how specific things would make us feel. We both know that the other has to be intimate with their spouse on occasion, not to arise too much suspicion. But, we also both have spouses who seems to have lost interest in that as well. He and I opt not to talk about when we are intimate with our spouses. THere is absolutely no need for the other to know. I'm not saying I don't get jealous, I do. She is a high-powered executive, and I have been thrilled (and blessed) to be able to stay home with my kids through the years and still contribute financially by working on my computer from home. I often say to him that there is no way I could ever offer him the tangible things that she does (many perks in her job). He says he doesn't need that stuff and that me loving him is more than he needs. As far as vacations, etc., he makes sure I am "part" of it, by finding ways to call me at least once every day, whether it be while he goes out for a jog, or runs an errand. We have communicated every day since we met, whether it be via phone, email, IM or text messaging. Ahh.. the wonders of modern technology!!
Is it always easy? Absolutely not. Right now we are in the midst of our longest separation to date. When I see him next week it will have been a month since we were together last. The holidays will do that, but again, we have communicated in some form every day. We make sure we are part of one anothers everyday lives, sharing the littlest and simplest things with one another to the more involved and intricate parts of our lives. We talk openly about our spouses and families, their moods and what is going on with them, etc. I do get frustrated that I can't share myself with him on a daily basis. When the clock struck midnight last night and we rang in the new year, I longed to be with him and wished with everything in my being that I was ringing in the new year with him. He and I often talk about perhaps it is our "punishment" that we can't be together everyday, for what we are doing. Like I said in my original post, I don't feel guilty, nor does he. I don't feel like this is an "affair." I feel like I have met the love of my life, the man I was meant to be with... and with patience and time, everything will fall into place like it should. Like the old saying goes... what was meant to be, will be.
I cannot imagine what you are going through. You have three more years invested in your relationship than I do in mine. I wish your MM could give you something... just a little bit more concrete to make you believe that you do have a future together. I can tell how much you love him, and I believe there to be nothing worse than two people who truly love one another who can't make things work. Do either of you have children? I guess they could either help or hinder the situation. I have to say that I have often wondered how I would deal with it if he couldn't see a future with us. Would I stay in a relationship with someone I loved so much, risking the happiness and well-being of my kids, and my husband, if I knew there was no future? I'm not sure. I might be exactly where you are today. How is your MM dealing with your ending the relationship? Have you heard from him? Does he seem okay with it? If so, then maybe this is what he thinks is best??
Being apart from someone you love sucks! Whether you are in an active relationship with them or going through what you are now. I certainly don't know what the last four years have held for you and I certainly don't know you, but I wish for your happiness. Are you less miserable now, being apart from him altogether, knowing that with the passage of time the hurt WILL become less, than you were when you were together and missing him so much? Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. Please.... keep in touch!!!
J.
just to answer some of your questions......my MM was just as devastated by the ending of our relationship as i was, without a doubt, and maybe even moreso, because for me i see ending our relationship as an attempt for me to move on with my life and eventually, hopefully, find someone to share my life with in the way that i've wanted for so long.....but he doesn't see his life in that way, and feels trapped by circumstances, but mostly his own inability to take control of his own destiny and happiness, and therefore does not see a future that holds a relationship like ours in it for himself.....and that makes me both sad and furious at the same time, because i can't believe he'd give up on the possibility of happiness for himself....but no one can change those things for someone else.....they have to come to these conclusions themselves, if ever.......
i have three children, from middle school to entering college next year......he has only one child from his previous marriage, and he is 16 and does not live with him.......we also never used the A word to describe our relationship.......we also both felt that we had found our soulmates, the love of our lives, and would be together always if we could.......
i had always felt that if he only could have offered me even plans of being together in the DISTANT future, when some of his financial issues may have been less of a problem, i would have been able to deal with living in this situation knowing that it would come to an end some day.......i just wanted to HEAR HIM SAY that we would be together some day......i needed to hear those words, and needed to feel he meant it....i wanted us to be able to talk about our future as if there were going to be one, EVEN IF i didn't know when it would be.....i longed so much to be able to say things like "when we're together, we'll...." or anything resembling statements like that.....but i couldn't say anything like that because it wasn't a given that we were going to wind up together some day......and i do appreciate that he never lied to me and never made promises that he couldn't keep.......but to have been together for over 4 years waiting, waiting, and hoping that he would finally see that what we had was something that many people wait their whole lives for and never find, and to wait for him to say that someday we'll be together...someday, we'll make it happen.......i longed to hear him say those words, but he never did.......his answer to whether we'll ever be together was always "I know that i'm not going to be married to her forever.......but i can't tell you when.....".......a few years ago, i would have even been content with hearing that "we can be together in 8 or 10 years", even though i would have been ready to make a change sooner......but he could never commit to even that many years from now......it was difficult to keep believing that i meant what i thought i meant to him, what he swears i meant to him, when he can't commit at all.......i've tried to understand it from every one of his own views, and have found ways to understand where he's coming from......but i couldn't stop hurting about it, and that's what led to me ending it so many times......
like yourselves, we were in constant contact.....we spoke many many times a day, saw each other weekly, and many times weekly before i went back to work full time, and special days that separated us, like holidays, big family events, we kept in touch through cell phones and voice mail throughout those days......
i have to say, though, that you deal with the issues of intimacy between your MM and his spouse in a much healthier way than i ever could......for the first few years of our relationship, he wasn't sleeping with his wife at all, as she was completely disinterested, which was one of the big problems in the marriage to begin with, but not the only one.......i haven't slept with my husband for almost 9 years and that's NEVER going to change.......i never wanted to be involved with anyone who was sleeping with anyone else......that's just my little issue, and something that i feel i should be able to make my own decision about.....then how did i get involved with a MM?....well, i wasn't looking for it, and was very naive upon entering the relationship......but i asked him many times to please be honest with me if their physical relationship ever resumed, because if he really cared about me and respected me, he would respect my right to choose if i wanted to continue to be intimate with him if we weren't exclusively intimate with each other......of course, he was afraid to tell me, but i found out anyway, and about a year and a half ago, she became suspicious and questioned why he wasn't ever interested any more, and he resumed being intimate with her on rare occasions (this, of course, if i can believe everything he told me, and here you have to make a choice, to believe or not.....and i chose to believe what he told me).....he said it was not making love in any sense of the word.....and i had to believe that as well.....but i felt completely betrayed that he hadn't told me, and that i had been under the impression that things were "status quo" for all of that time.....and on the other hand i understand why he didn't......but after that had happened, i felt very insecure about what his relationship with his wife really was, and that made things worse for me......no matter how many times he told me what existed between the two of them, i felt uncomfortable about whether or not there was more, and that was why he didn't want to leave.....i realize that was more about my own insecurities, but nonetheless, how many women are so secure that they are comfortable with the man they love being with another woman.....it's difficult under any circumstances, but may be more difficult for some people than others, and you seem to be handling it wonderfully.......he felt completely horrible about it once it all came out......intellectually, i understand that i was asking for too much, but emotionally it was a completely different thing......if someone wants to hold together their marriage, even if it is simply a pretense, then they are going to have to do certain things......and ultimately what i couldn't handle was the fact that he DID want to hold it together......
as this is our (really my) umpteenth time trying to end our relationship, we are very serious about trying to keep NC this time, as it's so painful for both of us to go back and forth......so it's been 2 months, but only 18 days now of complete no contact.....we had a couple of conversations within these 2 months, but they were basically both of us sobbing to each other about how much we miss each other, and we knew we had to stop doing that, and so we decided we had to have strict NC, at least until the pain had gone.....
do you and your MM talk specifically about time frames regarding finally being together to share your lives, or is it simply that you both say that you will definitely be together someday, even if you're not sure of when that's going to be?......i keep thinking that maybe i should have been willing to continue and just be happy with the present moment.....but for whatever reason, i was just never able to achieve that......
you seem like a very level headed person, and i'm glad to hear you say that you are generally upbeat.....that may be where we differ, and may also be part of why you are handling this so much better than i ever could.....i used to be a much more upbeat person, but i think the years of being unhappy in my marriage and feeling so alone and lonely just changed me in a way, and i've been more likely to be feeling low than upbeat these past years........
i do thank you so very much for getting this far, and hope that you don't mind my sharing all of this with you and thank you for sharing with me, as well......it just seemed that you had a somewhat similar relationship and that your answers may help me to work some things through.......thanks again......ada
I'm also in a 3&1/2 year R. with a MM, who with all good intentions, says we will be together when his kids are grown. With the little one being 5 years old that is, at least, 13 or 14 years from now.
I love this man very much and him saying that we will be together keeps me staying, but there are many, many, times I have thought about and have actully ended our R. because of the lonilness (i'm divorced) and the heartache of being apart (it is also a LDA).
Reading your words really touched me because even though my MM has said we will be together, that STILL is a lifetime of waiting. And, even though, I have ended it. I have not been strong enough, like you, to stay with it.
I love him, so I have decided to wait a bit longer.
However,as much as I love him, there have been times I wish I had the inner strentgh, as you, to end it.
Keep strong, :).
i'm smiling as i read your post, only because you're commending me on my strength, and i have spent the last 48 hours attempting to break my 2 months of NC (really 17 days of complete no contact)....i have done so in a passive manner.....unblocking myself on the computer hoping he'll do the same and say hello, driving by his house, calling his cell phone and not leaving a message, but he'll know it was me that called.......last night 15 minutes after midnight, i checked my cell phone and i had 3 missed calls, and he is the only one who could have called......but today he hasn't attempted to contact me again......we've probably both been struggling these past few days, but are trying hard to keep away.......i'm strong only in that i haven't persisted in these attempts, and have spent the entire day today trying to analyze many things about why i want to be with him, and why i don't, while sobbing most of the time......so i don't feel as strong as you've no kindly described me......
i hear you and what you're saying about how you are able to stick with your A because your MM has told you he will, in fact, leave when his children are grown....i wonder and wonder if, even though i say it would have been enough for me to hold onto, if i actually would have been okay with hanging onto the promise that we would be together in a lot of years.....you have to be very secure in your relationship as well as comfortable with the integrity of the man involved to really believe they mean that when they say it.....i don't know if i would have been secure enough to be comfortable with it for that many years, especially if he was still sleeping with his wife......i don't know how long i would have been able to share him, even if their relationship was a very poor one......that's just never been for me.....
i want more than anything to some day have a full time relationship with someone who is available in every way, someone who i truly love and who truly loves me, and that is what i need to keep reminding myself of....i just don't want to come to the end of my life some day never having had that, or at least never having tried to find happiness......
unfortunately, the pain i'm experiencing right now is worse than what i felt during the relationship, but i'm relying on all of the experts who say that this is normal and yes, extremely difficult and painful, but it does get better......i'm waiting.....and hoping....that they're right.......
thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.....with my whole heart, i hope that if you decide to wait that you one day have what you really want and deserve with this man, whom you love so much......good luck and thanks again.......ada
I think the longest we have gone is a week and it was because we had a arguement. He was pretty mad at me, :), about something.
And even that was hard on me.
Anyway, I too, want to find someone to love me as much as I love him. I know my MM loves me and as much as I love him and as much as I said I would wait. I too, have thought about the many years ahead of "waiting" for him.
There are many days I fight with myself about that thought, ;).
I wish you much luck and strentgh in this hard time.
And whatever you decide to do, at least, you know you are doing the best thing for yourself!!
Best wishes to you also Ada.