has anyone been where I am....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
has anyone been where I am....
8
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 1:19pm

My husband and I had another DDay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 3:56pm

Hi kmg6,

I wish I did have some advice for you! My stbxh basically left town when we separated. I don't know how I would have been with AP/BF if he had stuck around, but I think I would have kept seeing him anyway because I am so in love with him. H leaving town sure made it easy for us and I find myself very grateful for it.

When we separated he gave me my car, gave me half the worth of his business (not a whole lot and it's half gone already) and gave me all our household goods. The only things he took were a bed, his dresser, some personal items...and that's it. He didn't take any of the photo albums or anything. I can hardly look at them til this day, and it's been 2 1/2 years now!

I don't know how divorce works here in Canada, I expect I will go to the mail one day and there will be some legal document telling me that I am...I just don't know.

If my AP ever divorced (yeah, right) the only thing they would have to split up is their house. I don't know if she would go after his business (he's self employed) and I don't know if he'd go after any of her pension (she's been retired for a little while now).

I pray every night that he will come to his senses and admit that he would prefer having a loving R with me, over the "barely friends" R he has with his W. I will never understand it.

Good luck

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2010
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 11:42am

Kmg6 - I have been there too. My husband told me he knew I was still seeing MM 3 weeks ago...I don't know how he found out, but now I am a bad position - although maybe it has forced me to do what I know I needed to do all along.

I am in the same boat as you - now I don't know what to expect - and I don't know where things are going to go with MM. He is separated but hasn't committed to me, which is probably a sign, but I am too in love with him to see it. Sigh.

Now I have to move out and desperately want to move in with mm....but can't cause of the divorce and children...I am so sad I don't know what to do. I am thinking about moving close to his neighborhood so I can be near him...but then worry that if things don't work out I am going to have to move again. I just wish he would commit to me so I would know something and not have to live in limbo.

Hopefully we can all get though this together!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 4:11pm

It's kind of weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2010
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 10:10pm

Kmg6 - I am jealous, you seem to have a pretty good grasp on what seems like a pretty stressful situation. I am hoping to get to that point, but right now I am a mess.

I am having trouble with so many things right now, because my love for mm is something I can't describe/explain to anyone. My family/friends don't want to hear about it because they all say an affair is wrong, even though they all know I wasn't happy in my marriage. My husband was/is close to my family and friends, which make this an even bigger nightmare. They all feel sorry for him, when really he pretty much took me for granted and checked out of the marriage a long time ago. He never beat me, hit me or anything like that at all, but I could not live the rest of my life with him...I felt trapped...and bored to death.

I am really struggling with what to tell my children because no matter what I am going to look like the bad guy. I just can't find a way to convey that I will be a much happier person/mom after I come through this.

Are you going to counseling to help you through all this? How are your kids handling it? Have you told family/friends/coworkers? If so, how did you explain it so they understand what you are going through?

Sorry for rambling...it just seems like you are in a really similar place...and I just cannot find anyone who understands how much this is breaking my heart. I cannot believe how much this hurts...but I know time will make it better...right??

P.S. would LOVE to swap e-mails if you are up for it...I think the next 6 months are going to be really awful

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 9:46am

Oh, Caryn...our situations are so similar it's eerie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2010
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 3:40pm

Kmg,


How do you deal with the stress of living at home right now? I feel like I am going to go crazy…on one hand, I already got caught and H knows about mm. But now I feel like I am under constant watch every time I leave the house – which I feel is stupid and pointless since the marriage is obviously over – and the few times I get to see MM when he isn’t with his W and kids, I want to go! Out of desperation last weekend I used taking the dog to the groomer as a chance to meet up with mm for a few hours…it was so amazing. I had a few hours of peace and happiness, but then had the stress of going back home and feeling like I had to cover my tracks. I just can’t live like this with the guilt and feeling like I am being spied on.


I guess I am just going to have to get used to life like this for a while – but I am really tired of the fighting and the judgment from everybody. Sadly, I think it would have been easier had my husband been mean or abusive, at least I would have gotten SOME support from my friends/family for deciding to change my life.

I know an affair is wrong, I am not stupid, but I feel like I only have one life to live and I am not going to spend the rest of it miserable….is that so wrong?


Hugs, Caryn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 5:08pm

Since my husband told me he wants a divorce, the stress level has gone way down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 5:13pm

Caryn:


Tried to reply by sending you an email, but your profile indicates that you don't want to receive them.