Has anyone ever been caught? If so, how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Has anyone ever been caught? If so, how?
17
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:09am
Hi everyone, I'm new to this. I've been married for 4years but with my H for 8. About a month ago I somehow ended up having sex with a co-worker. I know this sounds so cliche, but it was totally unplanned and sort of just happened. Later on I thought, "Did that really happen?" Well, I am pretty sure I'm going to do it again (as horrible as that may be). My husband is a good man, a wonderful father and really doesn't deserve this. I'm so confused, I have no idea why I'm doing this and risking my marriage to sleep with a man I don't really even care about, but I am.

Anyways, at this point I'm most concerned about getting caught. OM is someone I work with that's about 20 years older than me. My H would NEVER suspect him, but I have heard "these things always come out, you will get caught" and I'm just wondering how realistic that is. Has anyone gotten caught? If so, how did you get caught.

Thanks again for your input,

BadGirl

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Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:31am
i never know if people mean caught like..... physically in bed or caught in general. My MM was busted in general pretty quickly. When a guy never goes out and then goes out ALOT and makes phone calls it doesn't take a rocket scientist. W and kids (older) had it figured out pretty fast and when confronted he just said yeah, i am. There was brief talk of immediate seperation which W quickly renigged on (all this before we were in love) and now they are "life as usual" except for one liners, a few arguements about me and a fence sitting MM. Yes, he told her he is in love with me and leaving. No, he's not sure he's leaving. it's a mess LOL.

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:04pm
DENY, DENY, DENY is golden rule #1 - before you even get involved though you should define what it is exactly that you are willing to sacrifice for this EMA... in my case, im not willing to sacrifice my H even having an inclination enough to ask me if Im being faithful...if that were to happen, Id break all contact immediately despite how much I love my OM, it's just not worth the pain it would cause my DH to wonder...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 4:37pm

Hi badgirl,


Yes... I've been caught out in my affair... it was about 10 months into it and with many problems in my marriage I had distanced myself from DH.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:03pm
HI Bad

Yes people get found out everyday it happens

You need to define way you are doing this , and why with a much older man.

You should consider Indiviual Consuling to determine what is going on in your head.

If you do not know why your doing it you should not do it you may live to regret it.

TRYING

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:32pm
Yes, I have been caught. My advice- watch out if you are feeling guilty. That will give you away first. That's what got my ex-husband suspicious. I was acting differently and like others have said, doing different things. Try to stick to your normal attitude and routine as much as possible. My h started taping my phone calls when he suspected, so no amount of lying would get me out of it. And he was damn sneaky about it. The recorder was behind the stove. We sort of recovered from that, but then I had another affair. That time, I was very careful. I would unplug all the phones and plug a phone into the outside connection where I could plainly see there was no recording device. However, my new bf's wife recorded him! She gave me a chance, but I was stupid enough to believe he had it under control. He didn't and she played the tape for my husband. So, know who you are dealing with, too. He thought his wife was an idiot. Wrong! Very small, very easy to use recording devices are available at Radio-Shack and are quite inexpensive, so watch your back, and if you have a cell phone, keep it with you always. And be very, very careful about the internet- a sure-fire way to get caught. If you know anything at all about a person, it is way easy to break into their e-mail. Sure, you will figure it out, but by then you are caught.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:51pm
I agree with Sandstorms, if you arefeeling guilty you may give things away. I don't feel guilty really, my H made his choices in our relationship, so I've made mine.

MM and I only get together usually during workday afternoons and limit our contact to workdays usually too. Its a very rare occasion that we contact each other on a weekend and we've only ever gotten together on one evening rendezvous. So I don't feel nervous/guilty during our get togethers, my H doesn't question me about my workdays.

I don't think MM is worried about being caught either, because he told me once before that he thought his W would divorce him if she ever found out he was having an A, and I know he doesn't want to lose his family life. I'm sure he would drop me like a hot potato if he thought she suspected anything!!

The only time I did feel nervous was the one evening we got together, I was just worried in case H tried calling home or left work early and then I come rushing in with pink cheeks and all excited. I would never be able to hide that, I don't have a poker face!!

Anyways, bottom line is BE CAREFUL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT. If you take precautions, hopefully you will be okay.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 7:33pm
Hi. I am new here but have been reading posts for awhile. I am having an A with a MM who is also a co-worker. We got careless one time and met at his house because we thought it was a safe time (not the first time we had met there). The W came home when we were least expecting it. We went for almost 3 months with nc and started the A up again last week. I learned alot from the experience. The only advice I can give is to be very careful.


Edited 1/11/2004 7:48:59 PM ET by femnhiding
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 7:40pm
Hi badgirl -- I've cheated on every single guy I have been with (with usually more than one man), and I have never gotten caught. One time I told a guy that I had started seeing someoen else, so he would dump me...and another time I didn't bother to cover up some hickys on my neck (and in the end I still convinced my bf at the time not to leave me). But there's never been a single time that I've been found out. That is, unless the guy never mentioned it to me...but I'm sure he (they) would have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:55pm
Actually, today I answered my cell because I have a certain ring to my MM's number. Hurried got off the phone with someone and picked it up and it was his W!!! He'd told her that my number which she'd noticed on the cell bill was his friend so and so, which was my now XH's name. So anyway, she asks for my now XH and I said no he's not here. Then she asks to whom she is speaking and I told her calm as can be, his wife. Then she asks, and your name is....? So I said my name, probably dumb, but I figured it went along with his story, so...so what. Anyhow, she asks when he'd be home and I said I didn't know, he's at work. She says thanks and goodbye. I called the person I was talking to back that knows and she told me to call back and ask her why she's calling my H. So I did, but she'd turned the phone off, so I left a message asking her who she is and why is she calling my H. She didn't get it, but MM did. Plus today she went through his truck and found a cd I'd burned for him with mushy love songs. He's already told her he's not happy and wants to leave. He's never home, ever, he's always over here. I told him whether he thought she would or not, she'd start snooping around. Deny, deny, deny, is right. Although I think she's got it figured out, but she can't totally prove it, not really. She's called my home phone, she's had her friend/his brother's G/f, call my cell and home. But caller id is a beautiful thing. There is usually a way to make them believe you if you want them to. I'm a little too good at turning it around on them, so they let it go. But never freak out if they get suspicious, cause then you have guilty written all over your face. I think I lied so good today that it may have thrown her a tad, but she's seen too many calls of ours on his bill. He just doesn't try and hide it and he's taking too long in leaving, therefore giving her ample time to start wondering. Just stay calm, don't let your guilt write a ad for the A on your face. Oh! And try if you can, to keep up a normal sex life, that is a huge red flag! My X wouldn't have known, cause I tried to keep the sex the same, whether I wanted to or not. Don't talk about the MM too much or suddenly stop if you do, that's another red flag. Sorry so long...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:51am
Hi badgirl,

Just got thru typing a long paragraph and it got erased. Here goes again. Always make sure that what you're doing is worth the risk. For me it was and sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I wanted to get caught because I had some very close calls. MM's W calling my private home number on a Sunday evening while me and H are watching TV around 10ish. It's a good thing I answered bc she was asking why this number was on her bill so much. MM usually calls my home office but for a while he was calling both bc I had surgery and was near the home line. Another time MM's W overheard me talking seductively to MM (she was eavesdropping). Another time my H read my journal which was talking about MM, thank goodness I was vague in my writings, but he read thru the lines and asked me if he ever hurt me. I guess I was really mad at the time. Another time he read emails to others on line about oral sex w/ MMs. H asked who was MM. I told him I's just playing around. Another time he came right out (while in bed) and asked me if I had ever had sex w/ ***, actually naming MM. And yet another time he said that even tho he didn't have proof he knows deep inside him that I've been f*** around w/ ***, again naming him.

It's weird because I never felt guilty even tho I feel that I should have. Anyway, as unwritten (& written) rule in all EMAs is deny, deny, deny. And yes, there are some things you take to your grave with you and this is one of them. People just don't understand what it is we go thru and think all women having As are hoogies. We're not but you can't tell them that.

Luvin

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