Has anyone ever been caught? If so, how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Has anyone ever been caught? If so, how?
17
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:09am
Hi everyone, I'm new to this. I've been married for 4years but with my H for 8. About a month ago I somehow ended up having sex with a co-worker. I know this sounds so cliche, but it was totally unplanned and sort of just happened. Later on I thought, "Did that really happen?" Well, I am pretty sure I'm going to do it again (as horrible as that may be). My husband is a good man, a wonderful father and really doesn't deserve this. I'm so confused, I have no idea why I'm doing this and risking my marriage to sleep with a man I don't really even care about, but I am.

Anyways, at this point I'm most concerned about getting caught. OM is someone I work with that's about 20 years older than me. My H would NEVER suspect him, but I have heard "these things always come out, you will get caught" and I'm just wondering how realistic that is. Has anyone gotten caught? If so, how did you get caught.

Thanks again for your input,

BadGirl

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 12:27am
Well, I got caught through my own stupidity, and MM begged me to destroy the letter, and I wouldn't for sentimental reasons. Well, H found the damn letter, so no denial was possible. i am now faced with making a decision to stay with H, and work out our problems, kids involved, and also waiting for W to find out, and on top of that her and I are friends. So, I am a HOOGIE, as you say. On top of that, MM has pulled WAAAAAAAAAAY back, and that is tearing me to pieces. I am hanging in there, bad days, more than good, but I am unsure if I want to work things out with H, and then hopefully, slide back into A with MM, or if I should just leave, because I don't know if I could do this to H twice. I do know that I am NOT ready to lose MM. What a pickle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 12:43am
Hi MFL,

Sorry for the pickle you're in. It may be good to give yourself some space and see what led you to have an EMA in the first place. The sad part is that it seems when EMAs are discovered it's always TOW's fault and TOW is the one that seems to get hurt the most. The DH leaves and TOW's MM pulls back and TOW is labeled as a whore and homewrecker. No, you are NOT a hoogie. Don't know your whole story but it sounds like you have feelings for two men, plain and simple. It just so happens that one of them happens to be married. Maybe it is time to put some space between you and DH, esp. since you still want to see MM. I don't understand how people think that you can just turn your feelings off just like a light switch. MM is laying low trying to keep his W and M intact and it's the price one pays for being in an EMA, the risk of getting caught and everything coming to a very abrupt end. Have you read any of the articles at gloryb.com. They are interesting and include studies on EMAs and why they happen, who is TOW, etc.

I think I subconsciously wanted to get busted and I'm glad it didn't happen. Things are better now w/ DH and I decided to really give it my all, seems I've put so much energy into the EMA and I need to direct even a fraction of it to my marriage, before I throw in the towel.

Hugs

Luvin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 7:50am
I think I'm on the verge of being caught. Well not me, I'm single, but MMs W is VERY suspicious. I got lucky in that the new neighbor that lives between MM and me is a single guy, who I happened to have gone to school with. So, at the moment, W thinks I'm seeing this guy. Problem is, this guy doesn't realize I'm seeing MM and so he thinks that he and I are slowly becoming involved. When/if he realizes that the reason I don't have any physical contact with him is b/c I already have a man, who I love dearly, I think he'll catch on to who it is. And his W cheated on him a few years back, so he's very against EMAs. I worry that he'll be the one to spill the beans to MMs W. She has asked questions with all the neighbors around, and many of them probably know, we weren't very discreet on new years eve. So far, though, no one has confirmed her suspicions. Of course, she told a friend of mine, who does know everything, that she feels like everyone is keeping something from her. Maybe she's decided it's not worth confronting, since she hasn't been able to get solid proof yet. But I do worry about his cell phone all the time, that she'll hit the last number called, which is usually me. Hopefully, he's smart enough not to leave it lying around for her to look at. We'll see, over the next few months what happens here. Good luck to you!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 11:02am
Unless you do something really stupid, most folks don't get "caught in the act." More often the spouse suspects something is up because you're just not that into your married life like you one were. You may seem distracted, a little aloof when it comes to sex or other intimacy, working late, etc. Usually a combination of these things leads the spouse to suspect something is up. Unless they want to hire a detective to find the evidence (and that usually means that they are fed up and ready to sue for divorce), it's going to cause a strain on the relationship, fights, etc. If you don't want a divorce, work on being kind and attentive. Your affair may flame out and you'll need to turn to him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:08pm
Think of all the ways you can get caught and be as paranoid as possible. MM is VERY paranoid because he has had friends caught in As before. He never, NEVER calls me from his cell phone. He's called me from the home phone a few times, but mostly that was in the beginning. Now we confine all our conversations to work. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to take this thing to the next step. If we want to get physical, we're going to have to meet outside work and once we start doing that, there's a HUGE chance of someone seeing his car parked somewhere it shouldn't be or someone following us...

But the hardest way to hide it, unless you're a great actress, is in your behavior. You're going to have mood swings and moments where you're distant, no matter how much in control you think you are. Unless your H is really naive, he's going to start getting suspicious. Just cover your tracks well and do your best, but just by entering into an EMA you're already putting your marriage and life as you know it on the line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:16pm
<>

I had to laugh at this one because it reminds me of that movie "The Good Girl." Jennifer Aniston was having an affair and her H's best friend saw her at a hotel, so he forced her to sleep with him, telling her if she didn't he'd tell her H about it. Hope it doesn't come to that for you. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 5:58pm
I guess you could say that I got caught but my dh doesn't know. His wife sorta suspects. He changed his cell phone service and that included one free month of detailed billing well guess whose number was on it 150 times???? MINE! She called him and asked him what my cell number was and he said he didn't know and she said that is really weird cause it is on your bill 150 times. But he convinced her he was calling me for business reasons (I work at a local business) and she just treats me real cool now but what is weird is that when HE is not around she is as friendly as can be but when he is around she won't speak to me. They go to the same church I go to and also the same club I belong to. I am inlove with him and they haven't had sex in 1.5 years. She has alot of health problems supposedly. I am not sure what will happen. This happened 6 months ago. Be careful of cell phones they will getcha

Pages