To have an affair or not .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
To have an affair or not .....
10
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 1:39pm

This is my first ever posting here, so please be kind :)


I am a happily married woman with 2 children (1 is my husband's, the other is from a previous long term relationship).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2008
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 2:06pm

NO! Especially if you are happily married. Most of us I think get in A's to fill some voic of unhappiness..be it our M's or just life in general. Kissing this man won't stop there..believe me. You'll want to surrender to more than just that. You will be on the love rocket with no flight plan and you won't like it..believe me! A few moments of bliss could lead to tremendous heartache and loss. If you love your husband and treasure your marriage you will turn away from what you are feeling with this man. If I could turn back the clock I would have RUN as fast as I could from my XAP. He's unhappy and of course he is going to be mesmerized by you. Please..just avoid this..concentrate of your husband and find a way to spice up your marriage..you'll be happier in the long run.

Peace & Love

Logan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 2:11pm

Toronto,


Hi.


I will let others share their experiences with you in regards to whether or not an A is worth the risk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 2:18pm

I don't think anyone here will tell you to go ahead and have an affair no matter how your M is. You say your M is good? Why do something that will surely destroy a good thing? Put "joe" off for the future for when you're both free to be with each other. Now is NOT the time since you're both still attached to other people. Think of the devastation and hurt you both could be causing your loved ones not to mention yourselves.

We tend to kid ourselves in thinking we just want to try and see how it is. Then we get addicted to the feelings and emotions get in the way. That's when we become bottom dwellers and to hell with anything or anyone, we just want our fix no matter who we hurt.

Don't be Joe's pacifier with his bad M. He's a grown man, he can't fix his M problems with you. He has to work that out with his W. Otherwise, he should get out of his M and pursue someone honestly who is available.



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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 2:30pm
Thanks for your honest replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 5:31pm
Honestly if you move forward with this you end up being unhappily married (even if you previously thought you were).
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 6:02pm

Sorry, I can't buy that you're really happy in your M. If you were, you would not be having these strong feelings. You might have feelings alright, but they would just blow in and blow back out again. You are toying with them and enjoying them and fantasizing about them. There's some reason for that and you might want to look at your M and try to figure out wht that reason is. Then if you decide to go ahead with an A you'll at least have a better idea why. Just my .02

jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 6:59pm
I can only add to what the others have said. Run, and run now. My H cheated on me first a long time ago and it was the most pain I ever felt in my life. Now I find myself in an affair and trust me when I tell you that you will not stop at a kiss. The more you get, the more you want and the more your marriage will suffer for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 10:25pm
Don't act on your feelings and find a new friend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 4:53pm
In a word? No. Period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 10:57pm

Wow, TGal. Apart from a few minor details, your story could've been written by me. It was an attraction to an old friend that brought me here, too.

Like you, he and I had been friends for ages off and on (10 years, in my case) and this past summer something finally clicked and we just couldn't ignore that spark any longer.

We spent a couple months sharing steamy texts and phone calls, lamenting about how cruel fate was that the timing had never worked out when we were both single.

Then, at a party, he kissed me. Trust the people who say it will nearly be impossible to stop at a kiss. And I won't lie; all the waiting and the wondering made it one of the most delicious kisses I've ever felt. The only thing that stopped it from progressing further was that a we heard a mutual friend coming into the room.

TGal, if you think he's on your mind now, let me assure you that kissing him will make it exponentially worse. After that night, we both became fixated on the idea of having "just one night" together. We almost did, too - if he hadn't had a rush of conscience and backed out at the last minute, it would have led to IC.

After he called it off, our friendship was touch and go for a while. It still kind of is, and the heartache of wondering
if you may have lost a friend is like a linebacker to your gut. Believe me, I know all too well what it feels like to
think that it freakin sucks to have such chemistry with a friend and yet not been able to act on it even after so
many years. But time is linear, and as much as you might want to try bending the timeline to test this chemistry
with your friend, unfortunately it doesn't work that way :(

I'm not sure I agree with the notion that your feelings for your friend mean you're actually not happy at home. I
love my H dearly, but be and xAP are so dramatically different from one another that it makes sense to me that I
thought I could get certain things from xAP that H can't provide. It doesn't make you unhappy necessarily, just human.

If there's any way you can get out if this while keeping it non-physical, I'd suggest you do your best to do so. Obviously you know the implications for your Ms and kids if you're caught - but there are implications fir your friendship - and your own peace if mind - even if another soul never finds out. Also consider him - it might feel good to seek solace from his unhappy M with you, but really, getting involved with you when you're mostly happily married has real potential to hurt him more in the end.

Best of luck! Let us know how things go.