have i chosen the right board??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
have i chosen the right board??
13
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 8:40am
for being married having had an affair with my ex a few times and being possibly pregnant by him?.. oh and finding it impossible to get over him. is this the right board for me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 10:40am
bump......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 12:28pm
Hi Deb,

Yeah, you're probably in the right place. There are a zillion reasons why folks are here, but your story is not entirely unfamiliar to this board. Let us know when you need to vent, cry, or ask a question. The support here is generally very helpful and comforting.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 3:41pm
Hi Lily, thankyou for the warm welcome. You know when you have made such a mess of things its hard to know where to turn or what direction to go in. Some people can be harsh on judgement too. It all seems such a big mess at the moment and all of a sudden i just cant seem to control any of it .
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 3:54pm
Hi Deb,

Without knowing specifics of your situation (just the brief synopsis you mentioned) I would say that you have to remember that the *only* thing you can control -- the only thing you ever could control -- is your own action and reaction to the situation. Everyone else is going to have to muddle along for him/her- self and figure out what's best for them. You can only worry right now about what's the right path for you.

Generally speaking, you will not find judgemental people here... but most of these folks have experience, compassion, and they all have opinions. We don't have to agree all the time, and we're not always particularly tactful (yeah, I speak for myself), but usually we're all here for the same purpose... to give and receive support. Because often times there *is* no where else to go and no one else to turn to.

Deep breaths, Deb. Take it easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up over what's too late or not your fault/control anyway, and deal with the things you can. Hard as it is, you have to let go of the stuff you can't change/control and just move on. My six year old sometimes tells me, when I'm exhibiting signs of stress, "Oh, just deal with it." Wisdom from the mouths of babes... she is right. We just deal with it.

Take care and hope to see you post more.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 4:43pm
Well here goes my mess....

Im married (for a year) been with him 5 years. Trouble is for 6 years before that i was with his brother although not married to him, which i must say was an unhealthy unstable relationship full of misery mistrust and everything else to go along with it..( on his side ). Basically i plucked up the courage to leave him again but this time left him for his brother .. which is now my husband. i wonder sometimes would i still be with him if my husband didnt come along. we were very happy and we moved into his house and then got married after 4 years of being togeather.

Then a few months before the wedding it started .. i just had this uncontrolable urge to be with the ex. I will try not to put down my whole life story but we had a few months fling but i was due to be married .. yes i had second thoughts i think i knew i shouldnt have gone ahead but i thought it was the right path for my happiness, i ended the fling which he didnt like and he didnt want me to get married. i think also my mum was in the back of my mind ( having just found out the year before she had terminal cancer ) i didnt want to upset her and i wanted her to be happy too. not to mention what and who i would lose if i went back to my ex.

Any way...we lost mum a couple of months after the wedding. dad came to live with us for a while, which i found hard i think that and the greif had a big effect on me, i started to resent my husband and not want him. spent most of my time on the internet and there i met my 2nd affair in a chat room .. i had another affair with my ex too it turnt nasty and he told everyone, i was lucky to get away with it saying he made it all up. .. then i had another affair from the net also,at one point i was ready to move out and leave my husband for one of the affairs. then came my 3rd affair with the ex..which led me to the mess im in now... pregnant.

trouble is just before i found out i started to change my feeling towards my husband and want to make a go of things. the affair just faded out and i found myself wanting to be with my husband again. but then i found out i was pregant. of course i was over the moon even though i had the awful thought that id slept with the ex the day before my husband so baby could be either one of theirs.

dont get me wrong i am over the moon im pregnant and no matter whos baby this baby is still mine. although im in a rut again, wanting my ex, its getting out of control , hes on my mind 24/7 , i have dreams about him all the time ive tryed to see him and hes not intrested. id give anything for this baby to be my husbands and for me to cut this awful longing for my ex out of my head. what a total mess ive made of things i just dont see any path or direction at the mo .

sorry for the long post

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 6:19am
Told you it was a mess... :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 6:35am
Deb,

The thing is, this "mess" is totally within your control. What I am gathering from your post is that you've had three As w/exbf, a few online As, and would like a 4th w/exbf... right? And you're pregnant and it could be H's or his brother's (exbf)?

and it sounds like you've been through the roller coaster on the emotional level, not just with your M and EMAs, but in losing a parent as well.

Pregnancy is the perfect time to step back from this. Is this your first? Step back from the whole damn scenario and really look at it. Blame your preoccupation on the pregnancy, but take the time to figure out what you want this baby to see as his/her mother, what relationships you want him/her to grow up believing are normal and healthy, and what kind of environment is the most healthy to raise him/her with. Take H and exBF out of it and focus just on you for a while... what do YOU want for the baby, for yourself and for the future.

From what you posted, you've not taken control of any situation but flowed along with whatever you wanted or someone else wanted. But you need to take responsibility for your actions now -- for yourself, not just for the baby -- and deal with the situation at hand. Right now, your behavior is destructive to your M and to yourself. Why are you heading down that path? What do you hope will happen?

None of this is asked or presented for you to discuss here -- unless you want to -- but rather so you have some things to think about. You are the only one who can "fix" this mess. What are you going to do?

We all get in messes, Deb. Usually because we let them happen. If we continue to let things happen around us, we never gain control and we are perrenial victims of someone else's desires... and it's our own fault. Sounds to me like you may be at a point where you don't want that any more.

Good luck!

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 7:22am
Hello again and thankyou for sharing your veiws. I've had 3 affairs with the ex , the ex being my husbands brother. I've had 2 affairs from the net.

Yes this is my first baby, at this point i dont know why im wanting to risk everything and start seeing my ex again, all i know is i cant ever seem to control things in that respect. At some point i always end up wanting him ect ect.... and the feeling always gets so strong that i just cant stop myself contacting him.

I do know that being with my ex and giving everything i have up now would be a bad choice not only for me but baby too. It wouldnt be a healthy relationship or situation for either of us to be in.

What i have now with my husband is ideal for both me and baby. He/she would have 2 loving parents and a wonderful family, and everything he/she would need to be happy.

But there is just one problem.... how can i live a lie and pretend the baby is my husbands.. when it may be quite obvious someday that he / she is not. People are not blind or stupid. And its not fair on anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:29am
why do i keep trying and trying to contact someone who dosent want me. ive really had enough of this whole mess. maybe i should leave everything to be on my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:43am
I think im obbessed with him.

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