Have I ruined it???? HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Have I ruined it???? HELP!!!
4
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 8:03am
Please help me! It has been a while since I have posted so let me fill you all in. First of all, I have been in a EMA for almost 5 months. We had a close call about a month ago and almost got found out. Anyway, we decided to lay low for a while. In the meantime we hired a new girl at work. MM started flirting with her (right in front of me) and needless to say I got VERY VERY jealous. I asked MM about it and he said that it was nothing and he was doing it on purpose to distract from the previous rumors about me and him. He said this way people would just think that HE was a dog and I had a good rep again. I guess I understood, but in the meatime he became more distant from me as well. So, in retaliation (I know this is childish) I began flirting with another guy in MM's department. Long story short, it DID make MM jealous, mad even. He said that he told me why he was flirting with this other girl and swore on his kid's lives that there was NOTHING between them, but me flirting with this guy was just out of revenge. So, I have begged for forgiveness. MM told me that I "made my decision" as far as who I want and of course he thinks it is this other guy - which was nothing but a pawn. So, I have been trying to convince him otherwise and even wrote him a HUGE email about it this morning. He has stopped flirting with the new girl and I have told this other guy that I was sorry if I lead him on, but that I really wasn't interested in anything. I want to be with MM and I have told him that. I miss him SO much. I mean, we still talk every day but the closeness is gone. So, what do I do? Have I ruined it? How do I convince him that it is HIM that I want????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 8:54am
IMHO - this is what happens when we act childish but Im sure you've figured that out by now. So on that note, make it a learning experience - be sure you set him straight about your intentions with the other office man, that it backfired and perhaps he will get over it...either way you have learned a lesson and hopefully both of you will stop with the games...sounds to me that he started it with the flirting with the new office chick - perhaps he should have discussed this with you before just deciding that was the answer to getting both of you out of hot water...hopefully things untangle between you two and the mess you have yourselves in will be remedied soon. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I dont like to sugar coat things...but please understand that you're not the only one that was being childish and playing games - he was as well...best of luck to you *hugs*

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 10:13am
hi. what you did (flirting with the other guy) was childish, but we all make mistakes. you've done what you can to make the situation better -- apologized, told the other guy to back off, "begged" for forgiveness from MM.

leave it (the situation) alone for a few days. let MM calm down and yourself, as well. go away with your H and enjoy the weekend. do whatever it takes to make yourself relax and have some fun with your H and his family. mend your M because the stress you're feeling is leaking into the R with your H and unless you want to end the M, put aside your issues with MM and take care of your home life.

next week when you get back to work, just act normal and civil to MM. it may take a little while for him to come around, but he will. his feelings are hurt -- you have to let him get over it.

try to remain calm and stay away from your MM for awhile. give him some space to proceed what happened and what you've already said to him.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 7:36pm
OK, I have to ask...why are "you" begging for forgiveness????

He was the one who began the flirting and his reasoning for doing so is lame. What if this person he was flirting with decided to take things even further? I'm sorry but hitting on someone else is not a way to satisfy gossipers and it does nothing positive for your reputation if others believe he is a dog unless you want to be seen as someone who lacks judgment.

Now, you DID say that he was distant before you flirted. I have to say that it sounds like he is looking for excuses. While you got jealous and flirted, his reaction is totally out of line IMHO. So he can give you a lame excuse for his actions and you should accept it because it is for "you", but you should be barred from acting in the same manner regardless of your feelings? I'm sorry, but tell me how that makes sense???

IMHO, you should STOP begging for forgiveness because you did nothing wrong if he didn't, especially when you are asking to be forgiven for something he had no problem doing. BTW, was this "plan" of his even discussed to allow you to say how you felt about it? Or was publicly hurting you part of the plan to make you look good? I would look at his behavior before you flirted and consider the possibility that he may be looking for a way out and is trying to blame you in the process.

Seems to me that you don't need to convince him of anything, but maybe he should realize and acknowledge that the "entire" situation was inappropriate and if the relationship with you is important to him, then this should not be what ends it...

If you "made a decision" by flirting, then what decision was he making? Please don't say he did it all for you...

Take care!

Rose


Edited 8/29/2003 7:42:33 PM ET by rose4161

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 7:30am
Hi WW,

Why would you want someone who has essentially told you that he can do what he pleases but you have to follow his rules? What's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? It doesn't even matter if what happened was childish or not. What matters is how each of your responded to the situation. I agree w/Rose... why on earth should YOU be apologizing, and where are HIS apologies? Since you both did the same thing... both should take equal responsibility for the rift between you.

Sounds like he's just looking for excuses to get of the R. You haven't ruined a thing, but rather played into his hand. And it would not have mattered if you had or hadn't responded to his flirting as you did... he was already on his way out. Perhaps the "almost caught" incident scared him just enough to think it was no longer worth it... who knows... bottom line is that he is out of line, but from what you're describing, he was leaving the scene anyway.

Let go of this loser. He doesn't have the b*lls to even tell you the truth.

Good luck,

lily