Have you asked the question....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Have you asked the question....
11
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 3:31pm

Hello everyone,


It has been quite some time since I have posted.


My question is this, have you ever asked your M AP "why they stepped out of their marriage?" and if so, what was the answer. Did you get one? Were you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 6:08pm

have you ever asked your M AP "why they stepped out of their marriage?"


My AP told be before we went out the first time that his M was essentially over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 6:42pm

My AP volunteered this info pretty early on in the A and before anhything physical happened.


Honestly, I can't believe you've been in this long and haven't asked before now!! LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 6:53pm

My answer was that his head tells him one thing (he's got it really good at home), but his heart tells him something completely different, and as much as he wants to love his wife, he just can't no matter how hard he tries. And it's not like when we first met, he looked at me and decided to fall in love with me...it just happened. And he wants this great feeling - to love and to be loved back, and that's why he is with me.

Well, no matter how beautiful it all sounds, it's over and been over for some time. Love is just not enough.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 6:58pm
With my AP it was a little different ... he maintains that he loves his wife dearly and admits to having an A because it's me and our history together is so engrained in part of who we bacame as people. That because it was me it just happened and felt natural ... but he loves his wife and has no intentions of leaving her ... If we had both been smart 10 years ago and told each other how we felt things might be a lot different now ... although I don't think I ever would have trusted him so who knows how that would have worked out ... LOL ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2010
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 8:51am
I volunteer the answer to my ap.. I believe he had the right to know however, does he believe it make right for me to cheat with him ? Now, that is a totally different question that I dare not to ask. I sometime believe he is judging me because I am a cheater.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 8:58am

I'm married and my OM is single, so he's the one who asked questions regarding my M and where my head was at. Honestly the conversation took place very early.

As was mentioned on another board - if you get naked together, don't you have a right to ask whatever questions you think you want to know the answer to? After such a long involvement, I'd ask whatever the heck I wanted LOL.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 2:31pm
AP/BF was single, so I didn't have to ask him anything. He was open with his very recent past - which didn't include any serious relationships. He didn't outright ask about my marriage, why I was seeing him, etc so I pretty much offered the information to him. I explained that H and I married very young and that I wasn't sure it was what I wanted when we did it (I got pregnant with our older daughter very early in our dating relationship). As time passed, we grew apart. I felt as though my feelings no longer mattered to H. I knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life unhappy. I got lucky and found "the one" with AP/BF. I'm more than ready to spend my life with him - though marriage isn't something either one of us really want.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 3:52pm

I knew before we even began our A; we've been friends for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 1:41am

Hi all ~


I finally asked him the question. I was met with anger. I came right out and asked him why he had this affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 8:05am
Yes, you certainly had a right to ask the questions. It could be that he's made a vow to himself not to discuss his wife or marriage with you, thinking that it would be an even worse betrayal than the affair by itself. I've noticed on other threads that the thought that their spouse has discussed them and their marriage problems with their "other woman/man" is particularly painful to the betrayed spouses if the affair comes out. So maybe he just decided that that was something he wouldn't do. He shouldn't get angry at you for asking however - you certainly had a right to do so!

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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