Have you ever been caught...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Have you ever been caught...
16
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 6:54pm

by someone other than your H or W?  How did you handle it?  How bad was it?  Did you try to explain it or just leave it as something best left unsaid?

A few years ago I caught a friend have an EA with someone.  He used to send her lingerie and she'd take pictures of herself in it and spend hours during the day on the phone with him.  I was livid at her.  She lost all this weight and went out and found her a new guy?  What a horrible person.  I didn't say anything but I distanced myself from her for several years.  A couple of years ago she was on my mind a lot so I looked around on google and found her.  That's when she told me that her husband had been an abusive drunk and that she had eventually separated and divorced him.  I wonder if I'd known that she was so unhappy, if I would have seen things through different eyes.  Or would I have thought she was lying just to justify stepping out on him.  Now I'm realizing that I'm standing almost exactly where she was years ago, surrounded by friends that think I have a perfect marriage and that would never understand for a second why I'm stepping out on him.  Are people capable of understanding or can only those that have btdt really get it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 7:25pm

 

I honestly believe only people who have gone through it/are going through it truly understand.

I think even if you knew your friend's husband was an abusive drunk, you'd say "then just leave". I don't think you'd instantly understand her feelings about the EA.

That's why in life, no matter what the situation is, it's really not smart to make "pat", quick judgements. You really don't know what's going on in anybody's life.

Ask how many people on this board alone are active in their church or are considered (by others) as devout in their religion?

There are hypocrites everywhere and you never really know anyone's true story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 7:44pm

Only those that have BTDT.

That is  one thing we all learn from being in an affair, and that is - do not judge - and never say never - unless you have walked n those shoes. I was one of the biggest advocates against, having being a child that suffered from the consequences of an adulterous father, and a broken and bitter mother. Yet, here i am. And although I really don't have any 'excuse' to be in an affair, (husband is wonderful), there is an inherent reason deep inside as to why I'm doing what I'm doing. Maybe I'm getting back at my parents for what they exposed me to, maybe I subconsciously hate men, or maybe I'm so insecure due to the environment i was raised in, that I need to feel the love of two to feel secure, these may or may not be the answers to my WHYs. But regardless of whether people are in affairs due to bad marriages, poor coping skills, or personal insecurity issues, there is ALWAYS a reason as to why one makes such a detrimental choice. That is one thing I have learnt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 12:09pm

Does anyone think it is possible that you just met someone that you had a deep bond with and fell in love. Is it possible that you married early, changed so much from the time you were 25-35 and so on. In the interum, you have children and you are trapped in a moral dilema.

I do totally agree with this. I started dating my husband at 24 and, now, at 45, MANY of the things I think are important now, which my husband won't make an effort at (affection, compliments, simple every day touching, decent sex) I didn't really think about at 24.  Or possibly, they weren't a problem yet.

However, there is always therapy and divorce. So, in truthfullness, I could have dragged my husband to therapy and/or divorced him if he didn't make the changes I needed. To have an emotional affair to make up for his shortcomings (and my allowing them to continue) wasn't the answer.

I *understand* why affairs happen, I *understand* that to get divorced, uproot your kids, live in poverty, etc. isn't the best answer just b/c you want more affection but having an affair isn't the answer either. I don't judge affairs because I've been down that road but it didn't help anything, we aren't together, we don't even speak or look at each other when we see each other and my marriage still has issues. The affair didn't change anything. I don't judge them but I also don't think they do anything beneficial.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 12:44pm
I 2nd Peppermint & Tiramisu's comments 100%. If I've learned anything.....I will never say never and I don't judge. We have our own journey and have never walked in anyone else's shoes so who am I to judge. With all that being said affairs teach you alot about yourself & that's a gift in itself...however dysfunctional many may think it is.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 2:58pm
Cowgirl, I never thought I was capable of this. Afterall I was dead set against it and judged harshly but wow...how the tables have turned and I'm eating my own words. I have come to see a side of me that I never knew existed. I've lied, betrayed, deceived, charmed, seduced...you name it & all for what? All because my ego needed to be stroked. All because I enjoyed those little "highs" and didn't care about anything else. All because I didn't open my mouth and communicate with my H what I wanted & needed. It was very selfish on my behalf and I take full responsibility for that. There is such a price to pay for all of this even if you never have a D-day.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:35pm

I never thought I would be in an A either.  I never judged anyone who had been down that road but I never thought it was for me.  But it happened and there were things already going down hill in my marriage.  I got married when I was 23 and I'm 35 now.  What I want out of life has changed so much that I don't know that marriage is even right for me anymore.  My close friends know, about 3-4 of them.  Two of them living on the same street as AP and I do.  One thinks it's great I can have my cake and eat it too and the other isn't judging me but she doesn't like it and has come to hate him for what he is.  The other who has been my BFF for 20 years is involved in a 20+ year affair of her own (she is slightly older than me).  But I can't talk to her because she sees our A's as being different.  She's not M and her AP is, and she says that's what doesn't make her's as bad as mine.  I told her she was full of BS, cheating is cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:43pm
Your friend isn't any different from you. She's still cheating with a married man. Just because she's not married doesn't change anything. She is still making her self available to this man and enabling him to cheat on his W. She is no better or worse than you or any1 else. If that's how she wants to justify things in order to sleep well at night, so be it...but she's only fooling herself.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 4:13pm

Purple- yes I know.  We've had several talks about it until I finally don't even bring that particulary subject up with  her anymore.  i guess we all have ways to cope with how society views us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 6:35pm

 

Not sure if it's "most" people - but MANY do actively look for affairs. Just read through this board alone. A few women have more than one AP and quite a few troll through Ashley Madison actively looking for an affair partner.

It's easier (I think) to tell yourself that you're different because you 'fell in love' and/or 'have a connection' but to me it's exactly the same. Whether you 'fell in love' or actively searched for an AP, you're cheating on your spouse and even though I put myself into category A, at the end of the day, what I did was no different from anyone who actively searched.

I think it's important to be honest with yourself. I will not make excuses for my behavior. I was 100% in the wrong and I'll have to live with that forever. Like Purple said - I never had a D-Day (THANK GOD) but it doesn't matter,  *I* know what I did.

Again - to be perfectly clear - I'm not judging you or anyone else.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 9:41am
Here's my 2 cents and I know I'm a little late to this party... I've been questioned a couple of times, but I always vehemently deny it. You know, it's kind of like a republican senator denying he's gay. We all know it's the truth, but we choose to believe the facade. There's no reason for me to ever admit my past affair. Not necessarily for my own reasons, but I'll do anything to not let my significant other know about my activities to protect her. It's silly, I know, but I don't want to hurt her and I'm sure it would be devastating.