Have your cake and eat it too??
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Have your cake and eat it too??
| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:02pm |
Hi everyone, I am pretty new to this board. Here is my situation: I have been married for 4 years been with H for almost 11 years. I was 17 when we met. I got pregnant at 18 and had the baby. I worked my butt off to graduate college and make a good life for my family. In the mean time my H has been a constant pain. Couldn't keep a job, emotionally abused me and was a big pot head. He has very slowly started to mature and 2 months ago I finally gave him the ultimatum to be a real part of our family or get out. I only did this when I was emotionally done becuase I thought nothing would change. Well, I was wrong. He is a completly different person. Sober, nice, affectionate, helps 100% more with our son. I am at a crossroads. I could put myself out there (agian, I might add) and give this another chance or divorce. It seems I have decided to not decide. For the last six months I have been acting in a way like I never have before. I go out a lot more, I drink a lot more and I flirt like crazy. I have made out with random men in clubs and with a friend and with a co-worker. I haven't had sex with any of them but, I think about it all the time. This past weekend I hooked up with the co-worker mentioned above. We took it pretty far but, not all the way. I told him that I wanted a lover on the side and I wanted it to be him. He said he would call and I really, really want him to. I feel bad that I don't feel guilty about my behavior. My H is trying really hard and I can't just leave him. I'm afraid my son would take it so hard and H would to. I think that my flirting with danger has become a drug to me. So many of you talk about relationships you have and I don't want that. Does that make me sick in the head? I want to be bad in a way that I never have before. I have always doen the right and responsible thing. I have always put myself last. The thought of having a purely sexual affair fills me with power. It is completly selfish, it is wrong but, I want to do it so bad. I don't want to fully commit to my marriage but, I can't leave either. Thanks for listening to my rambleing, I don't have too many people who I can talk to.
Rainbow
Rainbow


As for being sick... gee, I hope not. You and I are in similar situations, excepting the fact that you haven't gotten as deep as I have into my mess.
Everything you said is pretty typical of most of us here. I think we all end up looking for passion, companionship, and lots of things our marriages are missing. Sometimes a quick sexual fling fixes things, but I wouldn't think that happens very often. It wouldn't have for me at least.
Let me offer the advice that was given to me about 9 months ago and I didn't take it:
Time & Space for Yourself
Try to avoid having two half relationships make up a whole one. It's an unbelievable amount of work for one thing. Second, someone almost always wants more, be it you or your lover. Then you have two messed up relationships.
It sounds like you wanted your H to grow up and be mature before he was ready (or at least before he wanted to.) Sticking with your child's father from such a young age is admirable, but ultimately probably pretty hard. And when you gear yourself up to be finished and then he tries to change... well, you end up sort of resenting him for it since it took so much out of you to be ready to go. At least that's the situation I'm in.
Think about counseling for just yourself first. Think about couples counseling. Think about moving out to get your head straight (the process that I'm just now realizing I should have done months ago.)
Good luck. It's a bumpy road either way.
rain
Raining has it dead on in her post.
It is pretty normal for women that get about 30 to go through a period of upheavel and want to shake things up in there life and when you factor in all the hard work you have done it adds up to normal not nuts, just try not to let it get out of control and understand that most women that get into affairs for sex have a very hard time keeping there emotions out of it, just the way we are built I guess, before you jump in think twice and then think again
Good luck
F
I can empathize with your pain. When I was 29, I decided to leave my 10 yr marriage. I gave my then-husband an ultimatum. He "complied" for about a week until his stress level got the better of him. Finally, I was just so sick of being yelled at, cleaning up his vomit and lying to our friends about how happy we were that I just couldn't do it any more.
Instead of following through on the divorce I announced I was going to get from him, I let him talk me into staying. I had been prepared to deal with any amount of financial hardship to make it work. Our daughter was 2 at the time. I read a book called "I Closed My Eyes" by Michele Weldon that really helped. But instead of being honorable and leaving and THEN finding some new man, I tried to live a double life. Like the woman said in the earlier post, 2 half men don't make a whole. Wow! What stress! I regret the stress the most.
I believe it's super hard to leave, but you can do it. There are always ways to make ends meet, even if they are shorter ends than you'd hoped. Someone said, "Do you want your daughter to grow up seeing an example of a tyrant and a martyr?" That really struck me. In the end, it was my very blatant but unconscious exposure of my affair that ended my marriage. I wish I'd just left first. Then he would never be able to tell my daughter, "Your mom cheated on me." Because I won't tell her what he did to me to make me so eager to get out. Try reading, "Soaring Solo: On The Joys of Being A Single Mother" too. It will support you in your motherhood issues as you now leave with dignity and composure. Good luck, dear.