Having an Affiar .. extreemly long

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Having an Affiar .. extreemly long
2
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:44am

Hello,

I am joining this forum to get some support and really hope that I will not be judged by my actions as I know exactly how selfish and terrible of a person I am.

I would like to give you some history to my story. I am 25 years old and have been with my husband for 9 years we have a beautiful baby boy who was born very premature (4 months early) when I was pregnant my husband (weren't married at the time) was cruel to me, ignored me I went to all my clinics ALONE, he never touched my tummy or payed any interest he did not want a baby, he fought with me none stop (ok it wasn't all his fault I had raging hormones too). When our son was born his family put me through hell and blamed me for the early birth, they said I killed him and my father in law actually put his back to me when I went to hug him, right in front of my son in the hospital!!! My husband was there he rarely came to the hospital because he could not "cope" so I had to cope ALONE. Not ONCE did my husband stick up for me or put his family in their place ... he was weak and I felt so unimportant. 2 Years passed and I put the above behind me and he proposed BUT couple of months before our wedding I got cold feet and wanted out, but my mother told me to stay for our sons sake (he was 2 at the time) I knew it wasn't right, but I loved him but felt that he didn't deserve me (he hadn't had sex with me for a whole YEAR! nor kissed me or touched me) we went to a councilor and temporarily put a 'band aid' on our relationship and I went on to marry him. However this is when the affair came about ... on my Hens Night I met a man (who was not single) we exchanged numbers he knew I was getting married and shared a kiss. This grew to daily sms/text messages, and we met up - nothing happened to first 3 times of meeting but then after my Wedding we met up again and then had sex. It was like fireworks the sex was amazing (I did things with him I would never do ever!! He was so affectionate towards me telling me everything I want to hear! If you have ever watched the movie "Unfaithful" that is exactly how our affair is. Now it has been 2 years, I ended the affair last year and it lasted for 9 months until we contacted each other again and the cycle started once again. It is always him that contacts me he does it all the time after I end it he waits a month or two and then sends a message asking how I am. His on/off girlfriend has finally left him and now he is single. He loves to play games with my emotions, and likes to look like a "player" and make me out to be totally in love with him. To cut a very long story short, I did something bad but I wanted to find out if he really was a player one night he met my friends when we bumped into each other one night out whilst drinking and my one friend knows about us and suggested we see how much of a scumbag he is and sms him from her phone a few weeks later... he totally fell for it and wanted to meet her too, he even told her that he was out drinking with mates and told me he was at home with sinusitis?? What the heck! Now as stupid as this was I was so hurt here I am being completely selfish ruining my marriage and childs life just because he makes me feel "LOVED" with a complete and utter looser that just wants sex. The signs were obvious. So I ended it and put my marriage back on track again, nothing changes at home and it just seems that my husband does not love me and want me sexually or emotionally he hardly tries and just gets angry all the time. I am trying so hard, we are building a new house, I beg him to come walking with me, come out to lunch together but No all he wants to do is lie on the couch and watch sport - his excuse is he is tired. I am so lonely and sometimes think of suicide. Despite my 'lover' being an utter wally and trying to bonk my best friend I go crawling back to him .. good sex... some type of love & affection and I feel powerful again. It is disgusting I hate myself for it everyday. I messaged him and told him it is over once and for all because he tried it on my best friend. Things have now turned nasty, he has told me straight out that he is using me, that we would never be together because we couldn't trust each other (true) and that he is single and can have sex with anyone he likes ... making me out to be totally in love with him and that I am telling him what to do. Quite the opposite really, I constantly am trying to stop seeing him he always sms's me and I ALWAYS tell him to find another 'f*&K buddy' because then it would stop him from running back to me and using me. He tells me he can't and doesn't want to be with anyone else and that no other girl is like me but then he goes and tries to meet up with my best friend. He has also threatened me and told me that if I want to play games he will and come over and tell my husband about our affair he then said "I would love to see you pack your bags and loose everything" also he said "I mean nothing to you but your husband is who you love, and you will loose the one thing you love and it will make me so happy to see this happen" I am so upset, who says this stuff to someone and really mess with their lives.
Honestly I want to wake up from this bad dream, I want to stop this for good but don't know how. Please help me? I honestly do not know if I love my husband but I would do anything to respect him, love him and be a good wife and mother. I keep thinking if I loved my husband then I wouldn't of had an affair in the first place, but then I think about being faithful for 7 years!

I am so confused and just want all of this to end, I don't know if I should leave end my marriage & the affair and start fresh. I do deserve to loose both.

Thanks for listening :)
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 9:34am
Sarah, Honey, you are in a very bad place right now. Neither i or any one here will judge you in your situation. First I need to say, you need to see someone, a therapist you can trust, to try and work some of these feelings through. First, and foremost, think of your beautiful baby boy, what would he do without a mother? I know you are feeling betrayed, unloved, used, and many other feelings, but PLEASE, PLEASE find someone who can help. I am not one for advise, for it sounds like you need to start taking care of yourself, which may be getting rid of both of those losers. Do you love your husband? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Do you think he will change, and be the father and husband that you need? Take it from experience, if these answers are no, you may be ok for a few years, but then, you will start looking again, and probably find another "player" who will again use you because of your vulnerability, these guys see it, and act on it, just to get you in bed. Keep posting here, but like I said, you need professional help, to help you sort through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 11:36am

Sarah I am so sorry to hear of your hurt and the dreadful things your AP (affair partner) said to you.