Having a Bad Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Having a Bad Day
20
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:34pm
For some reason all I can do is think of my OM today. For the last 3 nights I have fallen asleep thinking of him and longing for him...and then the dreams are about him...which make it worse. I wake up at 3 AM wanting it to be him next to me and not my DH. Then I am awake until the crack of dawn and then the pattern starts over again.

We ( H and I ) closed on our new house Monday, and while that should be a happy event.. it is making me stressed and irritable and unhappy. It makes it harder that I have had no opportunity to talk to the OM this week. I want to know how he thinks things went the last time we were together - 2 weeks ago. I want to know if he misses me. I know this is a situation I put myself in... and I know if I had enough back bone I would just leave my M and get on with my life with the OM - but... I don't even know if he WANTS to be together as life partners. We talked about it once - 2 years ago. At that time he did... he was crazy about me. Then things went south for awhile.. and he got into this relationship he is in now with his roommate/girlfriend/sex partner - whatever... and now he is wanting to start things up again - which makes me happy...but...I don't really know what it is he wants this to be. AM I making any sense?

:(

:(

Chloe

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Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 11:49am
Chloe,



I hope you are having a better day today...I know what those bad days feel like, I’ve had plenty these days! I too don’t think that desert meant anything bad by her post. I’ve gotten several responses too that say I need to figure me out, do what makes me happy etc., I haven’t actually ever been offended....... but I DO get tired of hearing that sometimes too. <

I’m in a pretty complex situation myself as I think we all are...but “yours” always seems more complex than anyone else’s. To be honest, I REALLY think I have myself pretty much so figured out...you probably do too. I get confused about different things, have bad days etc., have questions...everyone does. You said in your post “I should just leave the M since I am not 100% happy.

( Hmmm...financially I can't do that right now. Mentally I can't do it right now. Physically I can't do that right now...)”

I too am married and I too actually LOVE my husband and we don’t have a bad life together AT ALL. I am totally not at a point in my life where I am willing or able to leave my marriage, although...I know this isn’t fair to him and that I don’t love him in the way that I should....otherwise, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing???? I’m not in a “bad situation” at home, everything is really quite well...like you said about yourself

“I am a selfish, self serving woman who won't leave her H unless she has a sure thing

( Only partially true)”

I can relate to that sentence more than you know.

“The OM is using me

(Not at all... he is unsure about where *my* heart is at. We have BOTH been hurt before)”

I was in the same position until just about a week ago. My MM had told me he had feelings for me and I was so off-standish (just out of pure fear) to him that he backed off (who could blame him) I have since talked to him..really talked and have been upfront and honest and things have made a 180 degree turn since. We STILL have things to talk about though, things I STILL don’t understand, things I STILL need to know...but at least we’re talking and getting somewhere now. This is probably what you need to do also...I know how hard it is to find the ‘right’ words at the ‘right’ time, believe me.

You are in the same situation as me....the timing of your circumstances together have been wrong to a point. I’ve known my MM for 18 years, dated him once (I was 16 him 23) had an affair with him 12 years ago, when he was my boss of all things. We are both married and I even separated from my husband back 12 years ago, but his wife got pregnant at the same time, we quit seeing each other. Everything has been wrong from the get go with us, we are now seeing each other again and I love this man, there’s no doubt in my mind...but we both have small children, a complex life and I wonder at times if there’s any point in continuing, but then I think “I’m not willing to let him go again, not this time, no matter what” and that means to me just that, I will continue to see him no matter how many people tell me that I need to figure me out first and need to figure out what’s wrong with my marriage, what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong in my life, what I can do to make it better, etc., I don’t know the answer to all of those questions....and really don’t like them probed at me constantly like you. There are NO simple answers for me...I DON'T have anything to figure out. I'm in an unfair situation that either I have to wait or decide I can't do it anymore. Right now, I'm waiting..that's the choice for me, even if it's a bad one.

You do need to talk to him, this will help you tremendously....it did me, I feel like a different person almost. Sometimes, things need to just be brought into the open and discussed no matter how hard it may be to do. We are all here to help you through whatever we can, I don't know your exact situation...but I do feel like I relate as far as what you said about timing, your H and your life, etc. If you'd like to talk sometimes you can email me at prettyribbons4u@yahoo.com I know I shouldn't post that on here but I don't really care, just know that someone out there knows how you feel even if you can't explain it to yourself at times.

{{Hugs}}

ARH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 12:42pm
Thank you for your post, all of the posts have actually been helpful, even the ones I was angry about to begin with.

It is all about timing. And sometimes I am not the most patient person. I really appreciate your answer... and I wish good things for you and your R.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 12:52pm
Desert,

I have NO idea what I wanted you to say to me.

When I read these words:

Do you just want to be available whenever?

Do you really care how he thinks it went

last time? How did it go for you? Do you

care if he misses you? (Well, yes you do,

you have said so). But should you? You

are giving him way too much control here

I lost it. I was hurt when you said he was using me - because I know that to not be the truth. If anything I feel guilty like maybe I am using *him* ( since I am the M one)

Yes, of course I really want to know how he perceived our last "meeting".. of course, I want to know what goes on in his head and in his heart. How did it go for me? It was wonderful. I missed him for so long - it felt like "coming home" - that is the only way I can explain it. I felt comfortable, happy, at peace, warm, welcomed, cared for. But I know there was a "wall" still up between us. And while I loved being with him the second day we were together... I knew there were things unsaid.

As the M one... I feel it is in HIS and MY best interest to KNOW how he feels. If he doesn't feel some of the same feelings as before.. some of the same emotions.. then I know it is time to let it go. I can't expect him to be there for me - when I can be available - if all it is for him, is an "interlude" and not something more. So should I care if he misses me?? Well, Desert, I am a kinder person and less self centered than that -If I didnt' care if he missed me - then this would be purely physical and I would only be in it for the attention - and that is NOT it at all.

Sorry if I bit your head off.. lack of sleep will do that.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:05pm
Meow.. Your response made me cry.

I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone. I truly felt like I was losing my mind.. needing to talk to someone- let out all these frustrations and worries and - yes- obsessions. I felt like I wanted to scream!

The last few days have been like a nightmare. I am packing things in my little cottage where I have lived for the last 2 years. My H just moved in here when he moved across the country in April. He hated this little cottage. But I loved it. When I moved in here, I planned for spending time with the OM - I loaded the CD player with "our music", made sure the pantry was well stocked as we both LOVE to cook. I took time to decorate this place in "my taste and style" - not the one that belonged to someone else.

Now, I am packing it all up. The dream is gone. I am moving to a house with my H, who in his own way is an OK person -just not for me. He is thrilled to be leaving this house - every morning he is cursing in the shower since he says the shower is too small.. He refuses to put things away - since he is moving. I never thought I would fall apart this way about a stupid cottage.

To make it worse, the OM is ear deep in major projects at work - so my email and phone contact with him is minimal. And I know - in this kind of situation, trying to ask him how he feels about *us* ..well...lol..this is just NOT the right time. I am trying to get some committment from him about our next little "rendez-vous" in 2 weeks... but he hasn't even read the emails I sent him. So I am at odds with everything. I feel like everything is moving around me - but I am just stuck in the middle.

Meow, I did set a goal for myself. And that was a year to either leave my M or stay, During that time I am trying to finish up some course work so I can get a decent paying job. I am trying to clean up my credit, so I can have some when I leave. I am trying to take care of old business, get things resolved, so when and if I do move on, I don't just have to dump a bunch of crap on my H. That is the least I can do.

So, while I sometimes feel good that I have a plan, I am also scared that the OM will sail off into the sunset...Literally! He just bought a larger sail boat to fulfill his dream of living aboard and chartering out cruises. He said he would love to move to Fla. or The Carribean... silly me - It strikes fear in my heart, that he will just sail away.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:21pm
Secrets

I was a poster on here 3 years ago under a different s/n. I posted very very frequently, actually I was around right before the Ending board was started.

Anyhow, Yes, ppl are entitled to their opinion. And I am not going to argue whether was someone posts is offensive or not. I don't know if this is the place to get advice or not, but I will say this - the recent posts have been a bit more caring. Mostly the same advice, but maybe the delivery was better, maybe I am not so angry, maybe I got 3 hours of sleep last night so I am feeling rested..lol.. who knows.

All I can say, is just like you said..

"...But this msg board is notorious for

being honest and upfront w/ the fellow members. Some ppl are more

blunt w/ their approach and don't try to soften any edges..."

So, *I* just like the other posters have every right to post my take on their advice,bluntly. Maybe I was wrong in the way I took the advice give, maybe the advice could have been given better. Bottom line...I thought the responses were pretty judgemental.

At this point, I am past that. I just wanted to be able to go somewhere safe = and vent, and cry, and just be open with what is on my mind and in my heart. I know now, that I will keep my mouth closed. I guess I can lurk, because I don't think the BLUNT approach is the right approach for everyone. And seems from your post, you are warning me that it is the way things are around here now, although some of the other posts did not seem that way. And you are right, hun, that I am the only one that can make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness, so I guess I didn't need to hear that in such a BLUNT way. I mean , comeon, I felt like I was in some cult intervention program - under a bright light with sharp toothpicks being inserted under my fingernails...

"It seems to me he is using you, and you

are happy to jump just cause he wants to

start up again. Is this what you want" <<>>

Not really , but maybe you get my point.

I was not in a good place to hear that it was *all me*.. I was the one that was wrong.. and that is the way I took it... and no, I don't expect anyone to understand the whole story in 11 sentences... but maybe asking for more information would have been in order.

Anyhow, thanks for your post.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:22pm
Thanks for your post sweet..

I'm about posted out for the day ..

chloe
Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 2:10pm
Chloe,

You were here long before I even knew this board

existed! That explains why I didn't recall you

being around ;o)

Believe me, I know all too well how lack of sleep

can affect things! lol I hope you're more rested

now! :o)

You're right... you can respond to ppl however you

want to, also.. be it blunt or otherwise. As I said

in my post, I couldn't speak for the posters who

wrote the posts that didn't sit right w/ you. My main

purpose in writing MY post to you was to just let you

know, as Sweet did, that I didn't think the posts were

meant to be offensive and that the ppl here ARE good

ppl who do give good advice and have fellow members

best interests at heart; as well as trying to give you

my OWN input and support best as I could to you. I hope

that wasn't overlooked/missed.

As far as things being safe... when you're on the

internet there is nowhere you can go where you're going

to have a guarantee of safety. This board does have it's

problems from time to time and Sweet & the CM do what

they can to quickly and effectively fix the situations

when they arise. I, personally, don't think you need to

lurk. You said the other posts better suit you, so why

not take from the posters you enjoy most talking to? If

someone really offends you, you can always put them on

your ignore list. I just think it'd be a shame for you

to leave, esp. when you do enjoy some of the posters, b/c

of some that didn't sit right w/ you. This can be a great

source of support and advice. And we all need that now and

again. My telling you that there ARE posters here who are

blunt wasn't a "warning." It's just a fact. Some ppl are

like that. Others are not. Sometimes I don't like to hear

the blunt approach, but sometimes I think it's the best method.

I would hope that you would continue to post so you have

another place to vent w/ ppl in the same or similar sits.

But, of course, you need to feel comfortable too. Perhaps

after lurking for a bit you will feel comf. again to come

out and post again.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 2:37pm
I am glad we all could help you out Chloe. I am surprised I made any sense to you at all!I think you are patient, esp since you have been in your EMA for 3yrs and it seems been through quite a bit in it. Someday are bad than others, that's all. I just had to laugh about your cult intervention remark to secret. :) Keep us all posted, and I will post if I feel the need to post rather than to lurk. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 1:34am
Good for you Chloe - in setting yourself some goals! No matter where your M is at the end of that year, you will have bettered yourself with education and fingers-crossed a better paying job. Kudos to you!

NO ONE can be happy 24/7 - but of course the emotions seem so much more intense when involved in an unhappy relationship, and intense in an EMA - so we feel much more down or high. You said you never thought you would fall apart about a cottage, but I think you recognize the cottage isn't the symbol, but your dreams for how you would live in that cottage. Make some new dreams!! Make some new dreams for yourself, picture yourself finishing your courses and landing a job with loads of money!

Yeah, I'm not going to give you "fluff", your OM may sail away. But then again, you may get run over by a car the next time you cross a street - and you don't worry about that do you? Try to let go of that worry, since you don't have control over that. Cherish what you have with him right now.

You now, Chloe, even when you're down and feeling like you are stuck, you are still learning. That's what life is about, experiencing the bad with the good, and learning from it. I really believe in that - I thought I was in a good place before my EMA began - I'd come to terms with D and regained my self-worth - but I feel if I hadn't had the downs and what came with it (analyzing, musing, introspect, emotions, posting on this board, learning insight from others here), I was only delaying the inevitable and wasn't really wholly healed. Well, I'm not all there yet, but I'm getting there.

You will get there, too, Chloe. I know that because you at least recognize you are stuck in a not-so-happy place, and are reaching out. Keep on posting - we're all here for you (even those with "tough love")!

Hope you have some contact soon from OM.

Hugs,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 7:27am
Thank you Meow for your wise words - again :)

I am trying to focus on staying "sane" - if that is possible - during this tough time. I am thinking I may break down and call the OM today, if I don't connect with him online by late afternoon. Once the weekend gets here he is off to the sailboat and basically incommunicado for the whole weekend. I really just need to know everything is OK ...and that he is not trying to pull away from me. But I know even if he is doing that - I can' control it - but I just would like to know where I stand.

Thanks again

Chloe

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