Having a Hard Time Here
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| Sat, 11-15-2008 - 10:01am |
My A goes back almost 12 years now. We were hot for 1 1/2 years---very physical, loved each other, etc. He & DH were best friends. Neither of our spouses knew about the A. It fizzled as did all of our friendships early in 1999. 2 years ago we got back in touch via email. Have been emailing ever since. Have only seen each other or spoken a few times b/c now w/kids involved both of us are scared. Yet we are still drawn to each other. I still love him; honestly I don't know if he still loves me or just has feelings of some sort. We tip toe around this area often. We have both tried to pull away at times but keep coming back to each other. When he doesn't email for days I worry & have tremendous anxiety over what is happening. His W is on his back constantly always watching over him & has been for all of their relationship. They have broken up so many times & separated twice in their marriage. My H & I have never separated but I am really questioning my M b/c I am simply unhappy in so many ways. I think my unhappiness has a lot to do w/getting married to my first love & being so young (21 for a week!). My A started less than a year into my marriage. Bottom line is I have been terrified to tell my H. I do love him but feel like I need space to find myself. I never really have known who the heck I am or been able to be myself b/c it's always been us together since I'm 18.
I am so torn b/c I love my H, love my family (kids are little---both under 7) but yet I keep being drawn to my AP & him to me. It has been since Monday that I have heard from him & I am losing it here. I can not stop thinking of him. It seems the less contact we have the more I obsess & think of him. I close my eyes at night & he is in my dreams. I have S w/my H & he is there. I am seeing my therapist on Monday & talking to him for the 1st time about my A. I've only seen the therapist a few times but have been too scared to discuss this w/him. I finally opened up to a GF of mine who has been having an open relationship w/her DH.
I can't say that if we both left our spouses we would be together---it's messy. But I think we would try. We are both unhappy in our situations but again, scared to leave.
I guess I am just venting, scared, looking for advice, hugs, support. Thanks.
Edited to add: I should say that my H & I are in tremendous financial distress---on the verge of bankruptcy actually. Due to a short term disability of his leaving him not working or collecting anything while not working (self employed) plus some poor financial decisions in the last 2 years we are in the hole to the point where I can't even open our bills. H doesn't realize just how bad it is. I know I'm having an issue being honest w/him here---believe me I do.
Please I need some support, not negative comments like I have received at times telling me to get over it :(
Edited 11/15/2008 10:56 am ET by losingmyhead

I think a lot of what you just said about being married young, feeling as though you've grown and changed and unsure, and looking towards separation. those may be the things you want to talk about with your H.
Other than a few small kisses there has been NO physical contact. He's terrified more than I am. His W watches him like a hawk. About 2 months ago we met for coffee & sat in his car to talk. The night before he'd gone out w/a friend & when he stuck his phone in his pocket called home by accident. She picked up & listened for 1 1/2 hours & even took notes about what they were saying! He went so far as to say to his friend that he was tired of the way she was treating him sexually & constantly ignoring him. She said something like she was always tired. He told his friend that maybe he was tired of being faithful to her. Of course she heard it & flipped out on him.
We don't even talk on the phone b/c she would check every single phone call from his cell & call a # she doesn't recognize. He's on the road all day so it's harder for him to make calls from some place other than his cell. Sometimes he is out of state---actually often times he is.
It's very frustrating & heartbreaking :(
i know all too well the "watching like a hawk". my AP is no longer married to my friend, but he does live with his girlfriend. he also is on the road a lot, works out of state. usually gone for weeks at a time. we have a lot of contact while he is away, thank god for unlimited texting. but when he is home she attaches herself to him. but hey if it were me, i would too:) i know how frustrating it can be...how frustrating all of it can be. we very rarely see eachother, usually once every three or four months. and it kills me but our situation all around calls for it to be that way. as generic as it sounds, hang in there. you have known him for a long time and i think it says something that the two of you found eachother again. i dont have to tell you that its hard because you already know that. im on here a lot, reading and trying to escape from my head. although that usually doesnt happen.
Thanks everyone. Not that I'm happy for anyone to be going through this but it is comforting to have others who can share their experiences. I did post here fairly often last summer but then things were going 'well' sort of anyway so I stopped. We kept up contact often. We did not see each other but emailed pretty much daily. I also didn't feel as obsessed as I do now. Now when he doesn't respond I get SO down. I could handle things better a year ago. Now I'm a total mess 6 days into him not contacting me. And what makes me so angry about the situation is that just last week he was flirting like crazy via email (which he hadn't done in a few weeks) & then asking for me to send some pics of myself, cheering me on for signing up for a class, etc. Then literally---nothing! I get a great email from him & then zip. I don't get it. Why does he have the upper hand in this? Why does he get to be all sweet & nice & then ignore me for a week? I'd at least appreciate an email saying he needs some space. If he really wanted me out of his life 100% he'd delete the email he has b/c I'm the only one who has it. I don't know...
I'm really having a hard time again today. We went to a friends last night & I had a good time. I didn't think of him too much & I wasn't down at all. This morning I was okay & now I'm a wreck. I guess I need to stop checking my email every 15 minutes-LOL!