Having the Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Having the Talk
28
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:27pm
I'm hoping someone can give me a little bit of advice. Since I started seeing my MM 6 months ago, I've kept my guard up so I don't get hurt and have tried to ignore my feelings for him. When it first began, I thought it was just going to be about sex and would end eventually, so I never asked the important questions like if he'd ever divorce his wife, etc. In the beginning, we would go weeks without getting together, and at one point, I was going to leave the company we both work for and move 500 miles away. I've since decided it would be a bad move, and I told him last week that I've decided to stay. He hasn't shown his emotions to me much either and we haven't talked about our situation or how we feel about each other. I think the most we've said about it is that "it is what it is" and that it would have to end eventually. I know that I have feelings for him and I may even be falling in love with him, but the fact that there are so many unanswered questions drives me just batty. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering how he feels. I want to talk to him and ask him where he see's this going and how he feels about me, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up. I want to let my guard down and tell him what he means to me, but I feel guilty about the whole situation. Since I've decided to stay, I feel like now is a good time to have the discussion so we know where we both stand if we're going to continue with this.

So, I'm curious how you and yours broached the subject. Was it right off the bat or what? When did you finally share your feelings for each other?

Any experiences you could share or advice you might have would be sooo helpful right now!

~Sher

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:58pm
It's best to set some ground rules from the very beginning, whatever you mutually agree upon. You seemed reserved in expressing your true feelings to him for fear of being rejected or hurt or that he will not reciprocate. It would be best to do it in person, if possible. Lay your cards on the table, what are the expectations you have and he has, if any. You will find as the relationship progresses, that the rules may change as the relationship evolves in one direction or the other.

In my situation, he came into my life after many years and told me how he had always felt. It wasn't about sex. In your situation, it is different. It can start with the sex and develop, as it often does, into more. Tell him what you see for yourself in the future, if you have a plan in mind, or if you just want to enjoy it day by day and see where it goes. Ask him for some feedback, where he is headed, what are the limitations, the parameters, or does he not think about it, taking it one day at a time. What agreement or arrangement can you live with? If you need to talk, then he needs to listen.


Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 3:05pm
I can't offer you any advice because I'm practically in the same situation you are!! There are several women on this board who seem to have had this all talked out from the beginning, and I admire them for that, but my A started without that discussion, and I haven't brought it up yet because I am not ready to hear the "worst" answers I could get. My A is very new, less than two months, and we have had a relatively easy time seeing one another (we are both M) because we have been working on a project together several days a week since the beginning of our A. That, however, is coming to a close this week, and seeing each other will take much more planning and communication, making some kind of "talk" necessary, at least for me, so I have some idea of what he is thinking about regarding this relationship. This is also a very new and different situation for both of us, so I have just wanted to see how things would develop without trying to control things.

I'll be very curious to see the responses to your post.

Are you single?

All the best--JB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 4:54pm
Thanks for the reply. You are exactly right about my fears and I realize I need to just get over them to get my peace of mind back. I'm going to make an attempt the next time we meet. It's not that I'm afraid to hear that he'll never leave his wife, becuase I wouldn't expect him to, but I am afraid that he'll tell me that we only have a physical connection...His actions make me think that it's not just physical, but I need to hear it.

Thanks a bunch!

I'll let you know how it turns out :)

~Sher

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 5:09pm
Hi Jean,

Yes, I'm single...I take it you are too? I'm 27 & he's 42. This is so different than any kind of relationship I've ever been in before...Because he's M, the age difference (which is really no big deal), and the fact that we too work together and he's in a much higher position in the company.

I spent a lot of time just trying to figure out if I could/should get involved and then before I knew it, 6 months had past and we don't even know what we both want from each other. I agree with "gottaluvhim's" post on setting the ground rules right from the start. I wish I had in the beginning, but it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I (or was it we?) decided that this is something that I want to continue with.

I'm definately going to talk to him about it because I'll go nuts if I don't. I sense that he wants to talk too, but maybe the timing just hasn't been right. I've been agonizing over this since we last saw each other (Wednesday). We talk almost daily, but it's just very casual conversation and I don't want to bring it up at work.

Gosh, I wanna call him right now! But, it's the weekend and I don't know the *rules* on that!

I'll keep you posted on how it turns out!!

Thanks!

~Sher

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 5:14pm
I've been in my EMA for a very long while. We've had our "talks" many times over. He was straight forward with me. He's the married one with small kids. I'm divorced. From the beginning he said he would not leave cause of the kids so I knew where we stood. It's still like that, but other parts of our realtionship have changed. That's where the "need to have a talk" comes into play every now & then. I'm usually the one to intiate our talks.

I know he has to do the things with the family all the time, but the rule is if I need him and it's a emergency I can call even at his house. When he's at work or away from home(cause he travels a lot)he is mine. Meaning we treat each other as a "couple".

As time goes on rules will change. Even though the main rule is still the same, a great deal of the small rules have changed throughout our time together. He knows that what he does with the kids is ok by me. I would never tell him anything about his kids. That is just a given. But when it comes to the W, he knows he has to explain anything he does with her. We've had many discussions about that one.

Bottom line is I love him as I know he loves me so we work through all the obsticles. We are always having talks and retalks about the "rules"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 5:25pm
I agree sunshine. This is a work in progress. OM and I normally have the talk every month or so, but lately it has been every other week. I'm sorry to say that the rules do change. Sometimes it might be easier if they didn't :-) Sher - sometimes to initiate the talk I just tell OM that I need to know how deep I can get. It's always good to know where you stand. However in my case, I think only my eyes are peeking over the edge before I've completely fallen in!

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 6:39pm
For what it's worth, at first OM and I acknowledged that we were acting on a year or more of pentup sexual tension and that we were 'fond' of each other. He was the one to broach the timeframe, first. He said that he would be here regardless of what I decided about my marriage and that if I ever wanted him to walk away, he would, no questions asked, with no harm and no foul to our friendship. Now, we've evolved to each of us having said that we're here until the other is ready to end it. Since we're both saying that, I'm guessing that's not in the near future. He does, however, point out from time to time that once I'm on my own, I may want to sow my oats and that I could do so with his blessing - he'll still be here. So, I don't know what that means except that we've got a commitment of sorts with each other for the time being. In so far that any two people with ties to two other people can have a commitment with each other, lol.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 7:48pm
Sher,




Edited 9/22/2003 1:42:31 AM ET by lexylew

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:10pm
Lexy...Interesting that our ages our exact!

We work together, so we see each other often at work, and then maybe twice a week outside of work. When we talk on the phone, it's usually brief conversations to make arrangements to meet, and then a little bit of work talk. He tells me how much he loves being with me, etc., but he only says stuff like that when we're between the sheets. He gives me compliments often and not always when we're intimate, but at work too...when no one's around (of course)!

I was in my bosses office the other day looking for something for a proposal that we're both working on, and he came in to "hand deliver" something that I told him my boss was looking for. He winked at me as he walked in...I sooo loved it :)

We don't leave steamy voicemails or anything like that, and when I or he does leave a message, it's usually to the point. Sometimes work related and sometimes just to make arrangements to meet. I think I'll start leaving sweet messages for him and see how he responds to them :)

I guess the problem is that I don't know the boundaries of our relationship. When we first got together, I would call his office and just drop by and it was no big deal, but recently he has been acting kinda nervous because he doesn't want his assistant to catch on. She has caller id, so she sees who calls and she knows we don't work on the same things.

I am willing to stick around even if he doesn't want to leave his wife. I just need to know, so I can put my mind at ease and have clear expectations. I know he won't have a problem discussing it, so I don't know where my fear is coming from. I'm sure it's my own insecurities holding me back. I think it's me that has given him mixed signals in the past, so that's what's holding us back. He's told me before that I'm tough to read, so I guess it's probably up to me to give the "go" signal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:18pm
Hi

=)




Edited 9/22/2003 1:42:52 AM ET by lexylew

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