Having the Talk
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Having the Talk
| Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:27pm |
I'm hoping someone can give me a little bit of advice. Since I started seeing my MM 6 months ago, I've kept my guard up so I don't get hurt and have tried to ignore my feelings for him. When it first began, I thought it was just going to be about sex and would end eventually, so I never asked the important questions like if he'd ever divorce his wife, etc. In the beginning, we would go weeks without getting together, and at one point, I was going to leave the company we both work for and move 500 miles away. I've since decided it would be a bad move, and I told him last week that I've decided to stay. He hasn't shown his emotions to me much either and we haven't talked about our situation or how we feel about each other. I think the most we've said about it is that "it is what it is" and that it would have to end eventually. I know that I have feelings for him and I may even be falling in love with him, but the fact that there are so many unanswered questions drives me just batty. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering how he feels. I want to talk to him and ask him where he see's this going and how he feels about me, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up. I want to let my guard down and tell him what he means to me, but I feel guilty about the whole situation. Since I've decided to stay, I feel like now is a good time to have the discussion so we know where we both stand if we're going to continue with this.
So, I'm curious how you and yours broached the subject. Was it right off the bat or what? When did you finally share your feelings for each other?
Any experiences you could share or advice you might have would be sooo helpful right now!
~Sher

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In my situation, he came into my life after many years and told me how he had always felt. It wasn't about sex. In your situation, it is different. It can start with the sex and develop, as it often does, into more. Tell him what you see for yourself in the future, if you have a plan in mind, or if you just want to enjoy it day by day and see where it goes. Ask him for some feedback, where he is headed, what are the limitations, the parameters, or does he not think about it, taking it one day at a time. What agreement or arrangement can you live with? If you need to talk, then he needs to listen.
I'll be very curious to see the responses to your post.
Are you single?
All the best--JB
Thanks a bunch!
I'll let you know how it turns out :)
~Sher
Yes, I'm single...I take it you are too? I'm 27 & he's 42. This is so different than any kind of relationship I've ever been in before...Because he's M, the age difference (which is really no big deal), and the fact that we too work together and he's in a much higher position in the company.
I spent a lot of time just trying to figure out if I could/should get involved and then before I knew it, 6 months had past and we don't even know what we both want from each other. I agree with "gottaluvhim's" post on setting the ground rules right from the start. I wish I had in the beginning, but it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I (or was it we?) decided that this is something that I want to continue with.
I'm definately going to talk to him about it because I'll go nuts if I don't. I sense that he wants to talk too, but maybe the timing just hasn't been right. I've been agonizing over this since we last saw each other (Wednesday). We talk almost daily, but it's just very casual conversation and I don't want to bring it up at work.
Gosh, I wanna call him right now! But, it's the weekend and I don't know the *rules* on that!
I'll keep you posted on how it turns out!!
Thanks!
~Sher
I know he has to do the things with the family all the time, but the rule is if I need him and it's a emergency I can call even at his house. When he's at work or away from home(cause he travels a lot)he is mine. Meaning we treat each other as a "couple".
As time goes on rules will change. Even though the main rule is still the same, a great deal of the small rules have changed throughout our time together. He knows that what he does with the kids is ok by me. I would never tell him anything about his kids. That is just a given. But when it comes to the W, he knows he has to explain anything he does with her. We've had many discussions about that one.
Bottom line is I love him as I know he loves me so we work through all the obsticles. We are always having talks and retalks about the "rules"...
Good luck.
Lucky
Edited 9/22/2003 1:42:31 AM ET by lexylew
We work together, so we see each other often at work, and then maybe twice a week outside of work. When we talk on the phone, it's usually brief conversations to make arrangements to meet, and then a little bit of work talk. He tells me how much he loves being with me, etc., but he only says stuff like that when we're between the sheets. He gives me compliments often and not always when we're intimate, but at work too...when no one's around (of course)!
I was in my bosses office the other day looking for something for a proposal that we're both working on, and he came in to "hand deliver" something that I told him my boss was looking for. He winked at me as he walked in...I sooo loved it :)
We don't leave steamy voicemails or anything like that, and when I or he does leave a message, it's usually to the point. Sometimes work related and sometimes just to make arrangements to meet. I think I'll start leaving sweet messages for him and see how he responds to them :)
I guess the problem is that I don't know the boundaries of our relationship. When we first got together, I would call his office and just drop by and it was no big deal, but recently he has been acting kinda nervous because he doesn't want his assistant to catch on. She has caller id, so she sees who calls and she knows we don't work on the same things.
I am willing to stick around even if he doesn't want to leave his wife. I just need to know, so I can put my mind at ease and have clear expectations. I know he won't have a problem discussing it, so I don't know where my fear is coming from. I'm sure it's my own insecurities holding me back. I think it's me that has given him mixed signals in the past, so that's what's holding us back. He's told me before that I'm tough to read, so I guess it's probably up to me to give the "go" signal.
=)
Edited 9/22/2003 1:42:52 AM ET by lexylew
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