Having the Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Having the Talk
28
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:27pm
I'm hoping someone can give me a little bit of advice. Since I started seeing my MM 6 months ago, I've kept my guard up so I don't get hurt and have tried to ignore my feelings for him. When it first began, I thought it was just going to be about sex and would end eventually, so I never asked the important questions like if he'd ever divorce his wife, etc. In the beginning, we would go weeks without getting together, and at one point, I was going to leave the company we both work for and move 500 miles away. I've since decided it would be a bad move, and I told him last week that I've decided to stay. He hasn't shown his emotions to me much either and we haven't talked about our situation or how we feel about each other. I think the most we've said about it is that "it is what it is" and that it would have to end eventually. I know that I have feelings for him and I may even be falling in love with him, but the fact that there are so many unanswered questions drives me just batty. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering how he feels. I want to talk to him and ask him where he see's this going and how he feels about me, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up. I want to let my guard down and tell him what he means to me, but I feel guilty about the whole situation. Since I've decided to stay, I feel like now is a good time to have the discussion so we know where we both stand if we're going to continue with this.

So, I'm curious how you and yours broached the subject. Was it right off the bat or what? When did you finally share your feelings for each other?

Any experiences you could share or advice you might have would be sooo helpful right now!

~Sher

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:29pm
I'm in Southern CA. :) Oh What A Beautiful Place!

It's been 6 months since our first rendevous, I should say. We've been off and on, because of me. For a long time, I contimplated even seeing him. I turned him down on a few occasions when he asked to meet up. We talked about what we were doing in the beginning, but haven't verbally shared feelings for each other. For about the 3 of the months and up until about 2 weeks ago, I was going to move 500 miles away, so that kind of threw a wrench into things and made things awkward for the both of us. I had my things packed up and shipped, and then it fell through. When I told him I was leaving, he said he would be sad to see me go, but understood. So, it's not like we haven't communicated at all, it's just been a little weird I guess. I don't know! The more I talk it out, the more I think it's me that has the communication problem! It's been me that has been reserved and he's given the green light all the way!

I guess I'm just feeling a little insecure right now because I've been the one driving this train lately and not him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:33pm
OMG I live in So Cal too!

How weird! Do you have AIM?

=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:35pm
Yeah....sherilynn0421

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:41pm
I sent


Edited 9/22/2003 1:43:35 AM ET by lexylew
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 7:21am
hi sher l know how you feel my mm has told so many times he loves me.like call him my special guy and friend that is what he is to me my sweetie.l know my sweetie since 16 in 1979 his family and ares very close friends so he watch me grow up. first time my sweetie told love me in oct 1991 he rang me up told me but why treates me l feel his love for me.he sure knows how much really love him and always love him to.then oct 2001 we were in cancun mexic together on holiday he told me over breakfast on morning he loves me. but mm good man he is doing right thing he has to take care of very sick W she never get better but still so hard on me to miss him so horrbily rigth now.he was here with me on new years holiday this past jan l ask him if he wanted me to take care of him and said big YES. he wantes me so much but we can't be together.she does your mm have any ideal how feel about him. wish new how help you we are here for you anytime hugs kimmy


Edited 9/1/2003 7:38:13 AM ET by englishrose24
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 7:54am
hi girls wondering if you all could help me l just post here on nummber 18 this morning. my question is l ask my mm sweetie if he wanted me to take care of him and he said YES.l believe if he didn't wanted me or love me he would not said yes to me about taken care of him right.he really knows how much love him .thanks kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 1:46pm
I think that most of the time that people want to "share their feelings" with someone, it is because they want to hear the other person say the same thing back. If that is the case in your case, then I wouldn't bother. You may be very disappointed - it sounds like he has already made it clear that he doesn't want all of the strum und drang of "Oh, I love you so much, I want us to leave our lives and be together." He has already said, "It is what it is" and what it is is two people having a good time when they are together, in secret.

I am sorry, but I think you are cruising for a real heartache if you try to "have the talk".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 12:21am
Thanks for being so straightforward Yoga. I find it interesting that you can pin point exactly what is going on without knowing our relationship history or either one of us for that matter. Some simple words of encouragement would've been nice, since this *is* a *support* board, but I've read your posts to others and I realize that you don't sugar coat anything. Maybe you're right though about heading for a heartache, but I guess I'd rather know now rather than a year down the road when I'm more invested in our relationship. If he didn't feel the same and our expectations didn't match up, then what's the sense in sticking around anyway?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 2:17am
I am sorry that I could not give you words of encouragement. I would if I had any. I don't feel that it would be very SUPPORTIVE of me to encourage you to "have the talk" when I think that it is only going to lead to anxiety and grief for you. I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you wrote in your post, but based on what I read, it seems to me that you would be better off just having fun with this guy and not trying to "kick it up to the next level".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:23am
Don't ask questions that you're not prepared to handle the answers to.

On an added note, I dig how Yoga doesn't sugar coat things...her and I are much alike in that aspect, she's just a tad more abrasive at times. But hey, how boring would this board be without diversity and a little bit of controversy?

Liberal