Having the Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Having the Talk
28
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:27pm
I'm hoping someone can give me a little bit of advice. Since I started seeing my MM 6 months ago, I've kept my guard up so I don't get hurt and have tried to ignore my feelings for him. When it first began, I thought it was just going to be about sex and would end eventually, so I never asked the important questions like if he'd ever divorce his wife, etc. In the beginning, we would go weeks without getting together, and at one point, I was going to leave the company we both work for and move 500 miles away. I've since decided it would be a bad move, and I told him last week that I've decided to stay. He hasn't shown his emotions to me much either and we haven't talked about our situation or how we feel about each other. I think the most we've said about it is that "it is what it is" and that it would have to end eventually. I know that I have feelings for him and I may even be falling in love with him, but the fact that there are so many unanswered questions drives me just batty. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering how he feels. I want to talk to him and ask him where he see's this going and how he feels about me, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up. I want to let my guard down and tell him what he means to me, but I feel guilty about the whole situation. Since I've decided to stay, I feel like now is a good time to have the discussion so we know where we both stand if we're going to continue with this.

So, I'm curious how you and yours broached the subject. Was it right off the bat or what? When did you finally share your feelings for each other?

Any experiences you could share or advice you might have would be sooo helpful right now!

~Sher

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Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 12:07pm
Hi Sher--I agree with you, if you're really ready to hear what MM has to say, might as well hear it now and deal with it. I also agree with Liberal, not to ask questions I'm not ready to hear the answers to--which is why I'm waiting to ask anything at all until the end of the month when some projects MM and I are involved in together will be over and I won't have to see him if I get too upset.

I do empathize with you and wish you the best of luck. Sometimes it's just too hard to let things be, especially if you feel you are at a place where you maybe have more invested in this relationship than MM does, and you need to know if you have to let this go and move on.

Let us know what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 8:58am
A lot of times, the hurting of the W is precisely the REASON why the OW begins the affair in the first place. If you simply read a lot of the posts here, you won't have to even ask this question...it becomes obvious that many of the OW here are quite hostile towards the W and take great pride in how "crazy/mean/stupid/money-grubbing/whatever" the W is compared to herself.

I was the same way. I would not be now though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 11:55am
I think you are generalizing based on your situation. I have no grudge against the wife, in fact I don't even know her. She was THE reason I refused the MM the very first time. I kept thinking I cannot do this to another woman to take her husband away from her. I felt she needed him more then me. Later on when my MM was so persuasive, I slowly changed my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:47pm
I did NOT generalize - I said MANY of the women on here feel hostile towards the W. I did NOT say that ALL women on here feel that way. MANY of the women on here do speak with contempt for the wife. It is what it is. I am reporting the facts, not inventing them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:32am
Actually reneem3740, I don't feel hostile toward his w. I feel bad for her. She doesn't deserve what is happening. Why then am I doing this? Because I fell inlove with this man. We knew each other for sometime before anything like that ever happened. I didnt' just decide one day to steel her h. Infact I was m myself. To a man that was an ass to me 90% of the time. MM & I were just friends at work. Neither of us wanted anything to happen at all. We behaved for sometime & then one day it just got to be too much and we didn't behave ourselves. Believe it or not, it isn't always because the h is a jerk and doesn't care about his w. Some just fall out of love, some find that after the inlove feelings fade, which happens, that they don't even have anything in commen. They aren't even really friends anymore. It's not always about some h who just wants some. And it isn't always some girl trying to steal someone's h. There are way too many differnt situations that contribute. Some are more "exceptable" then others. Not saying mine is. But not everyone blames the w. I don't, I wish sometimes that I could walk away and leave him to his family, but honestly I doubt it would keep him from leaving now. I'm not proud of what has happened, but it did & I do trust him. Maybe I'll get it back someday, "karma" as you put it. And I can't say that I won't deserve it. But I can't let go of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Just can't. I hope you find someone who is your soulmate, because he obviously wasn't it, or he wouldn't have cheated. Maybe this will end up being the best for you. Maybe you'll find your other half & be happier then you've ever been before. I hope that happens for you. Just don't give up on all men, they all don't cheat, not if they really love you. If my mm after we're together cheats on me, then he didn't really love me like he says & I'll be devastated, but I'll live and I'll move on. I'm sure you'll do the same.


Goodluck,

Jdreamer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 10:42am
hi renee. honey, i've been on both sides of this equation.

when i was married for 4 years, my H cheated on me with the W of his best friend and we were trying to start a family. later i found out that the W and my H were talking about leaving the two of us and starting their own family, so if i had been pregnant i would have been out on my own with a child. thankfully that didn't happen, but still.... that hurt more than the unfaithfulness. i ended up staying with my H, having 3 children and divorcing after 16 years of marriage. ending the M was my idea and i've been happy ever since.

now as for my A/EMA, i never thought this would happen. we've known each other (and his W and my BF) for many years. special circumstances with her health forced no sexual contact between them and i was hearing it from both of them, separately, more the W than MM. flirting led to action and i went into it as a 1-2 time thing, fwbs, nothing more.

incredible sex that i can't get at home, emotional connections developed over time and now we spend as much time together as we can. neither one of us will hurt our significant other intentionally. i know he will not leave her and mostly i don't want to. but every once in awhile, i wonder what our life would be like together. and then i shake it off and go on with reality.

i hope we never hurt anyone. only god knows the future.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:53am
I think this is a good point. We didn't just go from one day not even knowing our MM/OM to cheating with them. There was a gradual process and many of us fought it every step of the way. The MM sometimes fight it too...it's not all black and white but sometimes things happen. People fall in love. I think perhaps there's a better man out there for all of us, but we can't help our feelings. And I think this poster should be posting on the "Betrayed Spouses Support" board instead of here, but I guess she's on a crusade.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: sher0476
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 11:10pm
Hi, thank you for these words---nice to hear a situation that is similar to mine. We were just two people who got to gether for conversation about a common topic and then more and more found how on the same wave length we were about many other things-it wasn't even a man/woman thing. but more and more it grew into a friendship then a love and I struggled with it-and told him that I would let him go with love so he could make his marriage work--but he said it is over and he loves me--but he is in a culture in which a divorce would hurt the kids and wife too much-she is totally dependent on him--it is a difficult dilema. We are the best thing that has ever happend to each other--and I am not a young woman. With or without him--we have a ddep love and friendship. sometimes my mind wonders down as suspicious path and wonder if he is lying to me--but time will tell that and like you said if so--you will know and you will move on. Not only is my soulmate married to another woman he is a citizen of another country that the USA doew not give even visitor visas to and I can not see myself spending the rest of my life living here, especially to be with a married man. Our situation is terribly bittersweet. The univesrse has a wierd sense of humor--the job at home I've kept my eye open for for about 4 years has finally opened and I applied. It will be painful when I do go back home and it may be soon, if i get the job there.

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