he almost had d day

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
he almost had d day
10
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 10:39am

I have to idea what's happening right now ... I don't post here often, but AP has been a virtual roller coaster since this started. Wanting to do it, not wanting to do it ... he claims he loves his wife with all his heart and has never met anyone in the world who can give him what she does ... except me. (we have known each other since we were 11 and have a pretty significant history) So, everytime something happens we go through a cycle of him saying it can never happen again then the cycle starts all over. So last night we were texting ... (he works overnight shift)... and our texts can get a little graphic to say the least .... since we are on different wireless networks, i ended up getting a prepaid phone last week on his network and I'm not used to the way it works .... so this morning we meet up for a few minutes ... have a little fun and he goes home. I decide to delete the texts from the night before but as i said this phone works much different than my regular phone (I have an iphone and texts appear like chats with no inbox or sent messages) So I was deleting the messages and accidentally resent one .., probably the most graphic one of them all ... I immediately sent him a text explaining what had happened ... and the response i got was that his wife has handed him the phone ... she had opened it and seen the text ... now luckily this number is not tied to me in any way ... It is just a random number and as soon as I got home I changed it ... but he said she saw enough to stop talking to him (this was a VERY graphic text) and was leaving with the kids ... last text I got from him was that everything was ok for now and he was going to bed and not to text until he does. So I don't know what happened. I think he told her he had no idea who it was from .... she said she wanted to call the number but he told her he deleted it because he didn't know where it came from ... She knows all about me because of our past and knows that he and I text here and there and he does have my actual number in the phone ... thank god this was the other number .... I don't know what is going to happen from here his may be what needed to happen to get him off the rollercoaster ... he is terrified of losing his family ... always has been which is why we always go through this cycle ... I have a feeling the cycle may stop here ... but with him you never can tell.

UGH!!!!!! Why do we do these things to ourselves??????

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 3:03pm

The first thing that stuck out to me?

If she decides to check the cell phone records, she is going to see this number all over the records because you guys were texting while he was at work.

Be prepared. Her instincts are screaming right now and she may go into detective mode.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 4:24pm

I've thought about that ... been thinking about it all day ... I only got the prepaid last week, so prior to this it was my phone number all over the records ... update from him is that everything is ok 'for now' ... He said he was trying not to think about it ... he told me not to worry and he'd text when he could .... I know the phones are in her fathers name so she only gets the paper statement and has never looked at them online ... last week because of a problem with her phone she was granted access to online which is what prompted the new # .... although she hasn't looked ... he did sleep all day and she didn't do anything so I'm not sure ....

I guess i just wait to hear from him ......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 1:58am
Hmm..I have Sprint and only phone call numbers appear on my bill, not texting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 9:14am

From past experience, I learned that only the person whose name is on the account can authorize changes or access the account.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 9:45am

The online bill does show texting activity .... numbers and times ... the paper statement just shows # of texts .... I got the prepaid last week.

There is something about this that doesn't add up to me though and I can't figure it out. He has been a roller coaster since the beginning ... wanting to stop but not being able to .... wanting to cut ties, not wanting to, wanting to see me not wanting to ... it's been a mess from the beginning .... so anyway the text that she saw was VERY graphic ... there was no questioning what it said or what it meant .... yet immediately after her seeing this text he was texting me updates as to what was happening and less than an hour later everything was fine and he was in bed. They had a family gathering last night and her fb status is all about how good her family is and how good her life is .... yet when I talked to him this am he said he doesn't think she believes him and she's being cold and distant. Does any of that seem odd to anyone else?

I don't know why he would lie about this except as a way to try and end it which he has been struggling to do since it started ... He has often made jokes when i text him about it being her ... and I don't know if maybe my reaction this time made him see running with it as an out ... which I have always told him he can have ... but that I don't have the strength to end it alone ... if he wants to end it he has to stop coming back because when he leaves the door open I know I will walk through it .... any thoughts from anyone?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 10:37am

Well, perceptions are always skewered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 11:30am
I have just been wondering if she actually did see the text as his actions following didn't seem to fit the situation. Nor would I think everything would be all set within an hour for him to go to bed and everything to be all good ... this was a very elicit, detail, action oriented text ... even with the best reasons it just didn't make sense that he was texting me updates on her actions ... and so forth ... he is one who likes to prove points ... and I wouldn't put it past him to fabricate something like this to 'show me what is possible' his biggest fear is being found out and I keep telling him if we are careful we will be all set ... (which I know isn't 100% true) ... but I made a completely accidental mistake ... and it wouldnt be completely out of character for him to use it to show me that no amount of carefulness can make you safe from discovery .... All that being said maybe she did see the text .... I have no idea for sure ... it just doesn't all add up .... I need to just walk away from this ... but as I'm sure many of us know that's easier said than done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 2:44pm
Do you believe 100% that his W saw the text?? Who knows? He could be saying so to end the A ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 4:46pm
I don't believe 100% that she saw anything ... but I could be wrong ... He has struggled with this from the beginning ... or very shortly after the beginning .... we have gone back and forth more times than I can count .... I know I should just walk away .... but that is so much easier said than done. I have offered to do so, but have told him he needs to tell me to do it because I don't have the strength to do it on my own. (yet every time he says I don't want you to walk away) I need to not have a choice ... because if I have a choice, I will keep going back .... That is how it is with him for me ... how it has always been. So I don't know if she really saw anything or if this is his way of not giving himself a choice anymore. I have not perpetuated this A on my own ... he has been there every step of the way but he says it kills him to do so ... then the next day he's asking to meet. I have asked him if this kills you, why do you do it? He said I am like a drug .... he doesn't want to do it but doesn't know how to stay away .... I guess we are both like that for each other .... He has always maintained that he loves his family and often gets mad at himself for not having the strength to stop this .... So is this just him creating a situation where there is no option? ... I don't know .... there is so much of it that doesn't make sense .... I'm trying to just give him space and see what happens ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 9:52am
Why are you doing this to yourself? This kind of relationship is going to kill the little self esteem and self worth that you have.