He broke up with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
He broke up with me
14
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 12:10pm

Well I though things were going good...we were talking every day (except weekends) and we were seeing each other more than usual...and we seemed happy. Even yesterday things seemed good between us.We talked for a long time in the morning and then gain for an hour or so in the afternoon.


This morning he called as he usually does and the convo started out find but then he says my name and takes a deep breath and says that he is feeling gulity and ask me arent you? Well i ask hime "what are you trying to say" and he says "I guess I am breaking up" are you ok?" I said that I was...of course i didnt want to break down on the phone and i was also at work.


He ask if he could still call me ( we have work related issues that might cause me to have to see him rarely)


and he told me that i could call and talk to him anytime.....


I guess I am in shock right now. I am confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 1:08pm

I'm so sorry Mindy, I know you're hurting.


Can you give us a little more info?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 3:01pm

Yes we are both married...we each have a daughter (he and his wife,me and my husband)


We met while he was working a case that I was involved in....


We hit it off as friends and started talking on a reg babis. Eventually it led to an affair.But we seemed to have a good frienship also. There were times i felt like he was pulling away a bit but then he would always call and act like things were fine....things were good for the last few weeks so I never saw this coming!!!!


Ok so since he called me this morning he has contacted me again....He calls around lunch time...(dummy me answers) and he says he wants to see if I am ok.....I collected myself...said I was fine and even giggled a bit about something here at the office. I guess the lack of emotion got to him cause he act like he was hurt that I wasnt hurt...He even told me that he is upset a little that I am taking it so well.


I said I knew it would happen eventually and that I had just prepared myself for it (even though I was lying)


he made a comment about still "loving me to death"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 3:19pm

You are handling this PERFECTLY.


It sounds like he's completely under your spell.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 3:43pm

It hard for me not to want to talk with him after having so much contact...Its gonna be hard for me not to call him but what should i do if he calls???what should i say or do I not answer. I am afraid If i ignore him for a while he will call my home....or even show up. I am stronger today but it's still only the first day


and how can i return to the affair knowing he could do the same thing over in a matter of days or months


Yes i want him in my life but I am not sure if we could have a "just friends" relationship


I am unsure of what to do or how long to hold out ect......I am not sure if his feelings or real or if he just wants the satisfaction of me crying over him and he didnt get that today


what does everyone think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 5:20pm

Hi Mindy

I know how hard it is... but you have to make a decision - like you say, if you hook up again he could do the same thing a few months down the line and how would you feel then?

If you can't bear that thought, you should cut all contact - don't be "just friends" - if you still have feelings it will rip you up inside. It takes time to get over where you were and adjust to what is - give yourself a couple of months. It may be that he can't handle the guilt of the physical side but still wants you there to unburden to.

On the other hand, if he does have feelings for you, then it won't do him any harm to miss you for a while...

His ego is going to be a bit hurt - when you dump someone, you expect them to be devastated, not laughing it off and handling it well. So you have to factor that in to his actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 7:59am

Thanks guys


I will keep ya posted but I doubt he will try calling today. I think today he will test me to see if i break down and call....he is stubburn and i am also but I was always the one to breakdown if we had not had contact in a while.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:13am

UPdate!


He called me agin today! He was short and act like it was buisness...ask me a few work related questions...


I cant understand him!!!!!!!!!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:27am
He wants you back...you still have that power over him. Since you're playing cool, he does not know what to do now. If you do decide to get back with him, make sure it's on your terms, not his. He has to chase you and win you over now. Don't call him, let him miss you.
((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:36am

I know you are right but at this point I want to give him time to think...if he really cared for me how could he end it...although i know it could be true all that he said about feeling guilty...if he loves his wife and feels guilty then he needs to repair his relationship with her....it hurts to say that but i know its true.


i dont like the game he thought he was playing with me and if i did start talking with him again i think I would want a "friends only" for a long while and I dont know that we are both strong enough for that....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:52am
I have actually been in his shoes several times and ended things with my AP. I begin to feel very overwhelmed with the strong feelings I have for him, combined with the fact that I can't really have him. It's a lot to deal with sometimes and I have panicked and just told him I couldn't do it anymore. The very next day I start to panic again because I can't handle the thought of him not being in my life at all, and I regret ending it, so I will call him. I have learned this is a horrible way to handle things and it is actually much easier and helpful if I just talk to him about how I'm feeling. This was my realization though, since I was the one going off the deep end and ending it. All he did was try to see my side and be very understanding, and luckily for me he was more than happy to talk and forget the whole breakup.

 

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