He Called! (also a few questions)
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:54pm |
He made me promise a New Year's resolution that I wouldn't be sad anymore. I promised him I would not, but I need to ask the group a question: How do you not be sad? When promises get broken, you can't find time together, co-workers get in the way, how do you cope? Is there a book on this subject I can read?
This is my first affair EVER (and his too and I believe him), so I am really not sure how to deal with the emotional turmoil. I know I can be more flexible with my time than he can be and I know he is not using me. I know he loves me and cares for me, but sometimes the guilt is overwhelming for the both of us. How do you deal with it? Are you ever afraid that the W will find out and kill you? Are you afraid that your H will find out and kill him? I have given these a lot of thought. MM and I have talked a lot and both agreed we don't want to end this even though we know it could destroy us.
I've also given a lot of thought to why I started this affair in the first place. My husband is a GREAT guy. I love him dearly, but I know we have grown apart. We have never shared the same interests and even though this did not matter to me when I was first with him, for some reason it matters now. MM is very cultured and worldly and enjoys my tastes in music, movies and art. He is also very adventurous while H is not. He likes parasailing, snorkeling, etc. I am studying for my doctorate. MM has one. H went to tech school to be a mechanic. We are very different in alot of ways. Our parents don't get along. I can never have a holiday at my house. They have basically said that if H and I plan on having kids, I'd better always have two separate parties. It has been rough. My H does not want the responsibility of kids. I just don't want kids with H. As I said, it's been rough. Can anyone else tell me what was the last straw that made them start their affair?
Anyway, hope someone out there can answer my questions. Sorry to go on and on. Just venting.

i know this isnt much help. but you chose the ride, and just like a rollercoaster it goes down as well as up and it has surprises at every turn.
good luck, take it slow, and as always...follow your heart but listen to your head.
laura
I also have a question. Why do they tell us not to be sad? Like we can control how we feel. Mine said that to me. He knows I was sad to end it. He told me he understood and not to be sad. He told me he still wants to see me. I am still debating doing so, even though my heart say's run. My head is still looking back at him.
So what do you think it means, when they tell us not to be sad?
like hes only tryign to releive his own guilt, or make himsself feel better.
wow look at my typing, i think its bed time for me. maybe i can do better than this later.
I totally believe that on some level it is a way to alleviate guilt. The other person feels guilty for their contribution to our sadness. They feel they are in a situation that they are unwilling to change which lead to our sadness. They care of us, so they feel guilty for being at the root of our sadness.
I also believe that our own minds cause quite a bit of our own sadness due to how we perceive the situation, and perhaps the other person would like for us to not needlessly (their perception) cause ourselves sadness. For instance, I am an eternal pessimist. I have been all my life. Unfortunately, the viewpoint brings quite a bit of negativity into my otherwise clear thinking. My MM is an optimist and his viewpoint being so different than mine will cause a bit of frustration on his part. Here is a situation where the cup is half empty/half full. He is seeing all the good points of the situation and I am seeing all the bad points. Obviously, the bad points depress the hell out of me and there isn't anything he can do to change my depression because it is based on my own perception. However, I know he definitely wishes I wouldn't be sad over such things, and has on occassion, voiced that wish.
When it comes down to it, no one else can truly make us happy or sad. Those people can only influence our mood in the same manner any external stimuli can influence the way we perceive things. However, true happiness and true sadness comes from within. What happens in life we cannot always change...but we can always change how we react to it.
Annika
Brightest Blessings, Annika