But he did exactly what i asked for!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
But he did exactly what i asked for!
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 12:37pm
I started dating my husband 15 years ago. We have been married for 10 years, and have two young children.

My husband did coke, drank a lot and smoked pot when i met him. After about 3 or 4 years he quit the coke, starting drinking very occasionally, but kept smoking pot. He never wanted to leave the house. He never seemed "present" in our conversations. He put up an emotional wall and over the years i got tired of trying to scale it. About 6 years ago, i started looking outside my marriage for intimacy. There were several men, who had been long time friends. they were all involved in long term relationships or marriages, so they would do virtually everything except actually have sexual intercourse with me. Two of these relationships lasted for more than a year, then circumstance allowed them to fade away.

one year ago, after my pleading and cajoling, my husband went into drug counseling. 90 days clean and it seemed like things were getting better. We moved to a new house to "start over". A few months later it was obvious that he was back smoking. Sleeping a lot, never getting around to things, breaking promises to the kids. I was in a new neighborhood with no friends, temporarily not working and on top of all that our dog got a weird disease and had to be put down at a very young age. I was treading water, to say the least.

Then in the spring I got a one month job which took me out of my routine for about 8 days. in that amount of time i worked very closely with a man who intrigued me. i wasn't in love with him, but i wanted to be with him and be wanted.

Trying to keep this from getting really long and boring--we spent 2 amazing nights together (i was sleeping over night at a "girlfriend's") and I honestly never connected with anyone like that before. He wasn't drunk, he wasn't high, he wasn't tentative, he didn't play games. I fell in love with him.

I confronted my husband about the pot issue. Told him we needed to separate. He refused. So I told him about the affair. He was devastated. He moved out. 8 months have gone by and i've told him i want a divorce twice, and then have gone back on it.

He is now clean and looks great and is a great dad. he's also my best friend. But I don't feel any interest in having sex with him. We've tried it a few times, and while the experience, physically, is pleasurable, i feel no connection to him. I don't want to look into his eyes. I don't want to cuddle. I love him but alas, I'm just not in love with him anymore.

my question is this: can it come back? (if it was ever really there?) is there anyone out there for whom it came back?

I can't stop thinking about my sweet friend who helped me through the second hardest time in my life (the first being when my brother died) and how i may have lost the chance to be with him. After several more times together, he won't see me anymore unless i make a decision. And even if i'm not meant to be with him, why stay in a marriage that is really a friendship with legal implications?

yes my kids would suffer, but they will suffer if i'm unhappy, and if my husband's unhappy because i don't return his feelings. i don't want to hurt him and i'm still confused.

i'm turning 40 next year so maybe it's a mid life crisis. but they happen for a reason, don't they?