HE DISAPPEARED

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
HE DISAPPEARED
7
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 5:54pm

Hello, I really need to talk about how I'm feeling and grateful for this board.  I have been involved with my AP for 5 1/2 yrs.  We see each other at minimum once a week and if he cannot see me he calls to say so.  Not the case of late.  It has been 2 weeks since I have seen or talked to him.  No show last Wed, no show last night.  No calls, nothing.  Let me say he does not own a cell phone and yes he does have a computer but we never email each other as a safety measure.  I have no clue why he would disappear, as he has NEVER done this in the 5 1/2 yr span.  I feel so low.  Im upset that he hasn't reached out and if he wanted out I had hoped after all this time he would have talked to me about it.  I know ppl can be cowards but you never think this is going to happen to you.  It's cruel.  I cannot call him for obvious reasons nor would I.  So he's got all the control as he always has and Ive come to accept that.  Of course I want to know why, is he ok, did something happen, are you sick, etc?  I feel that he's ok with no contact or I would have heard something by now.  He does call me occasionally at work or on my cell but its sporadic. We usually just see each other and at the end of the night he always says, see you next week.  I feel like I am not even worth a breakup if that's what this is and naturally I want answers.  Then the intelligent side of me says, maybe you have your answer, no calls, no contact, he's done and he's ok with it.  But not knowing for sure is the hardest part.  then i fast forward to what if he calls me or just shows up after the disappearing act? How will I react, what should I say, all that crap starts playing out in my head.  I am deeply hurt by his behavior and feel disregarded.  Has anyone's AP ever disappeared on you and if so how did you handle it?  Open for advice, comfort and not a scolding.  Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 6:31pm

I have read on the board several times where this has happened, but it never happened to me. Is there anyway for you to even know if he is alright? Illness? Accident in the family? 

A friend I knew was having an affair. His AP stopped showing up, no contact, nothing. Three months later he found her obituary online, she had died in a car accident. 

For some reason he has broke contact with you. Life happens it could be so many things. The best advice i can give you,is don't take this personally obviously something huge happened th his life for him just to completely stop contact, if he has never shown this side before. 

You may never have a true answer to this, so do try not to take it personally. Find ways to occupy your time, let go of the attachment and take care of you. Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 6:36pm
Really no way for me to know for sure. I have found myself checking online, obituaries, news in my town but nothing. It's so out of character for him to do this, that's why it hurts so much. I will take your advice and do the best I can to not let this ruin me. Hugs to you as well.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 7:02pm

So sorry to hear this.  Regardless of the A situation, seeing a person every week then nothing is going to be hurtful.  

Can you at least call the local hospitals?  He would never know that you called.  Of course, these days with HIPPA, maybe you can't????  Any way to find out if he is at work?  I mean, I hate to sound all Private Investigative and all, but couldn't you call and just say your reached the wrong number?  

I think that there are so many reasons he may cut off contact that it would be too soon to jump the gun on any one scenario.  Unfortunately, this is the price we sometimes pay.

Good luck and hang in there.  

Serenity
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 3:34pm

If he did deliberately pull a disappearing act, and this is not caused by an accident or something out of his control, then you now know, a side of him you never knew existed. You never knew it because circumstances never added up to him making a decision like this until now. Pulling a disappearing act is certainly not reserved for afffairs, it goes on in the regular dating world just as much.

If he does come crawling back, It's best to assume that if you were to resume things with him, you must prepare yourself for the disappearing to happen again. So if thats unacceptable to you, then end it then and there.

Other than an accident or a decision to stop seeing you, there is the possibility he got busted. I assume he's married? I'd almost consider this a third scenario. He gets busted and wife demands he cease contact and/or he freaks out, scared, and as a part of the freak-out he ceases contact with you. Not sure how you evaluate that one. Maybe you are just as pissed because hecould at least let you know in some way what happened out of respect for you. So would it be understandable if it went down like that or would you still regard it as him telling you, when the chips are down, this is REALLY how much regard he holds you in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 2:56pm
Blondegreen there are so many things that it could be. If he's married do you think he had a D-day? Did his wife find something out and now he's trying to do damage control? Do you know any place that he may frequent? Maybe you can see if he shows up and see if he's ok. I'm not saying have 'stalker tendencies' but if it will help see what happens. I can imagine how much this hurts and I'm sorry for your pain. I've never had it done to me but I've pulled disappearing acts and it was because I was hurting about the relationship and needed a break. I hope you hear something from him soon and whatever it may be that you can move on and know you have learned from this experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Tue, 05-20-2014 - 6:01pm

After 2 weeks he reappeared by calling me.  He was upset with me and said he needed space.  When we were together last, before he disappeared, i had shared with him that its sometimes difficult to always be a secret, cant tell anyone about him, etc. Well he harbored that and held that against me and decided to stay away.  We talked at length and I told him that his splitting was not acceptable and very hurtful.  I also voiced to him that not hearing from him during the 6 other days we were apart makes me unhappy.  He responded by emphatically stating that he could not or would not call because he couldnt.  I don't buy it.  Im of the opinion that you arent with your signif other 24/7 because he has called me before.  I told him it was important to me but it didnt seem to matter much.  Honestly, ever since this happened I feel differently towards him.  I don't get as excited to see him as I used to, and feel like he's totally close minded to my feelings.  He stopped over Saturday which was a total shocker and its cause she is out of town visiting family.  But she's been gone since Saturday and not one phone call.  He used her as an excuse for not being able to call before which I tried to respect although I wasnt buying it totally.  Now he has no excuse and guess what, he still doesnt call.  Just reaffirms to me how selfish he is.  He brought over a tv that he was replacing although I kept saying no, i dont want it, dont need it, and he pushed and pushed as he normally does and set the thing up.  A few hrs later he says, so how do you like your birthday present?  I said what present, its not my bday for a couple of months, he said the tv is your early present.  OMG i thought i was going to fall over.  How classless to give me the tv that he and she had and then call it a birthday present?  If you wanted me to have it leave it at that and dont call it an early present.  Cant remember the last time I got a used present!  Every little thing is magnified now and its irritating.  Thanks for reading, i feel the end of this whatever this is is coming.  It sucks to put yourself out there and not get your emotional needs met and how it took so long to see his true colors.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 4:42pm

I think often times when people find themselves in these type of situations, they too readily accept answers and excuses for things because they want to believe and give the benefit of the doubt. If they would  not so readily accept answers and probe deeper to find answers, they would find out much more quickly they kind of person that they REALLY have instead of the one they think they have, Sorry it took so long to see the real him, and of course you are right, he had/has PLENTY of opportunity to contact you every day, but he chose not to.