He ended it just like that...I'm sad
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| Tue, 10-27-2009 - 3:21pm |
So, I knew how this would ultimately go. But, it is very heartbreaking when it happens. I didn't expect it so soon.
Yesterday AP and I had our first "real" encounter. We did everything but IC. In the past it was kissing and fondling, mostly on top of clothes. Yesterday it was nearly IC. Well, here's the thing, he and my H are friends, I'm friends with his ex and he feels guilty. He said he can't do this anymore - he feels too bad.
I have feelings for him. He has only "in the pants" feelings for me...that's clear. When I got off the phone I was sad and cried for the whole day up until now. I am so sad. I also feel like I've lost my friend in many ways, too. I think he might be too uncomfortable for us to go back to the way it was. I can't believe he ended it just like that. I read about the pull away relationships on here and it was about an hour later when I got his call.
Ugh! I feel sick.

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"I chose to ignore it completely out of some ridiculous dream that he would tell me he feels the same about me."
Wait a minute.
I genuinely think it's my heart. I wish it were only my ego. I think I've always thought he might feel somewhat the same for me since I've had feelings for a long time and he's always very flirty and sweet. I guess when he broke it off with his wife I thought that what we were experiencing together was more than just a fling, but he clearly loves his W. Besides, if I'd gotten what I wanted it would have been a careful what you wish for circumstance and I would have had much harder decisions to make about my life. I wouldn't have wanted to live my M because of another person. If I ever do that, I want it to be about my decision and not because someone else wants to be with me, if that makes any sense at all.
He IM'd me today - I DID NOT make first contact with him. He was being somewhat normal. I was trying my best to be normal back and not seem too eager. However, he did make a joke of being scared to hang out with me and said he was kidding, but I'm not so sure about that. Now I feel like I pressured him or something. But, I am glad he made contact. It makes me think there is a hope for our friendship to
There's this song I listen to and it makes me think of him and a line in it always makes me think of him, "I'd rather waste my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute."
I feel so sad admitting that. What does that say about my life?
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