He ended it but still loves me?
Find a Conversation
He ended it but still loves me?
| Sat, 07-18-2009 - 1:23am |
I've posted before but am trying to find a little more clarity I guess.
| Sat, 07-18-2009 - 1:23am |
I've posted before but am trying to find a little more clarity I guess.
Pages
Yes, I did go into the hospital and am able to eat a bit now. Still not enough. The only reason I am eating, is cause I know, if I dont, I will die. I am on a plan now, by next friday I have to be up to 1200 calories at least per day, or I will have to go right back. All this non eating has taken its toll on me. When I eat something now with a bit of fat in it, my gallbladder acts up. I am taking very short breaths as soon as someone approaches me. Its, according to my doc, a self prevention matter of my body. As if I am bracing myself.
I am lucky that I am not really skinny. I used to weigh 260 pounds by the beginning of last year. And when this happened now, I had lost already almost 80 pounds. In the last two weeks I have lost 20 pounds, which if it had been at a slower pace, would have been good for me. The one thing this has done, that is positive, I can now have a tummy tuck and breast lift, and the insurance will cover it. My situation is still very strange and painful. I cant let go. He has been my best friend for all this time. And even he writes, damn I miss my best friend. He is now ready to get out of their house again, not to come to me, but to get away from it all. I am sure when he is back at work, him and I will have a talk. I know he cares. He writes he checks his email 20 times a day to see if I have written. Its a rollercoaster and I am the laughing stock of the circle at work and in private life. I admire those people whom can just say, oh well, be gone. I havent found the strength to do it yet. The main reason, cause I know he does care. I do okay while busy, when I am alone, I just write my little heart out in a blog I have online. I write letters to him there, they go from pleading to fussing, from sad to angry. And something he has written to me today makes me think he found that blog. We are carefully writing, keeping it at friends. But then the odd message comes inbetween, I still care, that means yes I still have feelings for you.
The dumbest about it all, I can understand what happened. I feel as if I am looking into the mirror. Some ten years ago, I did the same thing he is doing now. I went back and forth. Maybe this is my payback for it. That the same thing happens to me. I am not sure. I miss him and still dont believe that he could change his mind so quickly. From being totally happy here with me and even writing to me about it, to..a few hours later dumping me. Its one of those short fuse reactions....
I wish this on nobody. But I have learned something, a few things. First, its not uncommon for this to happen. Second, they dont really let go, cause they cant nor do they want to. Third, no matter what anyone tells you, you have to find the best way for yourself. If it means suffering, then so be it. If it means NC then so be it. If I listen to all the advice of others, I will be wondering if I had done it my way, would the outcome have been different.
Another thing I have learned, women are a lot stronger than men. Thats for sure......
I wrote to him, if being happy means opening myself up for the risk of so much pain, I rather not be happy, but just content.
I am also visiting a support group for co dependancy. Cause I know, by me hanging on, and not saying go to hell, I am enabling the behavior.
But I just cant let go.....yet. Cause I do love him.
Enjoy the rest of your sunday......and I hope everything works out for you. In my dream world, everyone is happy....
I certainly don't have all the answers, but I was many of you, a long time ago.
What I would ask myself is: you love this person. Why do you love him? What are the reasons? Do you love who he is, or simply how he makes you feel? If you are honest, you love someone who is treating you in an unacceptable way. Is it love to keep you hanging on? Men can leave; they do it all the time; they move mountains to be with someone. All the excuses my XAP would have, I know he honestly believed, but he could have left instead of choosing to stay in a situation that he said was unbearable. Kids adapt, money can be worked out. Is it fair to the BS that someone stays in a marriage? I know I would rather be left than be left in the dark.
Some have said that men like to have a back-up in case their primary relationship does not work out. It does seem to be true that most men do not leave because they are unhappy (like women). They leave because of someone waiting in the wings. From experience I can tell you that I had to end my A in order to see if my marriage would work. You can't, just can't, do it otherwise.
Sometimes an OP allows the person to stay in their M--makes it tolerable. Think about it, if your home life is not so great, it helps you get through if you have someone on the side who loves, supports, accepts you. I am guilty of this.
If someone told me they were working on their marriage, had to try it one more time, I would think they were doing the right thing. You don't want to leave an M without giving it the best try you can. But I would also say, OK, try it, but don't come back and tell me you love me at the same time. Come back with divorce papers in hand. Otherwise you are just cake-eating.
I really wish all of you the best. Be strong and stand up for what you need and want.
I stick to my opinion that people like to take the way of least resistance. Its easier not to rock the boat and have the best of both of worlds than to create so much confusion and anguish.
And what you said about trying one more time.....I share your opinion. If you are unhappy, talk about it, see what can be done, and try...see if the spark can flicker up again. Only when you have tried, can you truly say, this is what I want, or this is what I dont want. But a lot of people try cause they feel guilty and nothing else. That way they can lie to themselves, dimminish their own guilt.
And if you stay in a relationship because you feel guilty, you are the biggest (insert curse word here) on the planet. Not only are you denying yourself happiness, but the other person. I wouldnt want to be with a man whom is only with me because of his sense of duty. If you dont love me, then set me free. Not only cause I deserve more than pitty, but because you are continiously lying to me every time you say I love you. Every time you sleep with me, every time we go out and face friends, family. To stay because you are too weak to leave is the ulitmate slap in the face of the spouse. That person lives a lie they dont even know about.
Its a difficult situation to be in, to be the one whom loves a married person.
You say to ask ourselves what it is we love. I can only speak for myself. It is a combination. The way he talks not only to me, but with me. How comfortable I feel with him. Our shared interest. From politics to flashlights. I love how he does his job, how he treats other people. His interest in other countries. How we can finish each others sentences. We have a lot of things in common. Sometimes its scary.
But you are right, I am loving someone whom is treating me in an unacceptable way. So this perfect love, isnt so perfect.
But I cant get to the point of letting it go. When for over a year he was the one I spent all my time with. Difficult to explain. It was like finding a safe place where I could go to with all my worries, fears, hangups, flaws.....and thats gone now.
I know from experience and my friend is going through the exact same thing right now. He calls her just enough to keep her waiting and hoping just incase things don't work out with his wife, he'll have her to fall back on. I'm sure he cares about her, but his wife and family are his priority and sometimes a separation makes you realize just how much you do love your spouse.
She is at the stage she just don't know what to do...I finally asked her, "Why are you waiting on him to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life?"
She didn't have an answer. I don't know much about your situation, but hers is starting to consume her life, she has put her life on hold and that's not fair to her or her family. I'm trying to make her realize that if she decides (if it ever becomes an option) to leave her husband, she will change the course of not only her and the other man's life, but also her children's.
I know it's hard, I hope you can find a way to try to stop all contact in order to give yourself time to heal and focus on what you really need in life. If it's something that you need and want from your husband, that is if you still care about him, try to find a way to tell him what you need and want from him. If he choses to do nothing and ignore your feelings, at least you tried.
All you can do is fix yourself, you can't fix anyone else. Try to find a way to create your own
Thats the wake up call I got. We had an EA for over a year. Kept it at that, for specific reasons. It was agreed upon that I wouldnt be the other woman on the side. And he didnt want to do more harm than he had done already.
When we finally did go through with everything....it was the perfect time, the perfect weekend. Everything was fine until he got close to home. And he was hit with guilt and totally panicked. What he do? Dumped me.
I wondered if he had told her. And I asked him so. He said, she suspected and even asked him about it, but he refuses to talk about it. And he is just like that, when he doesnt want to talk, he wont do it. Nothing anyone can do to bring him to talk about it.
We had a brief moment on msn yesterday that turned into a disaster. With me getting so wound up and angry, I left the conversation. Cause how could we have had a conversation with him steady looking over his shoulder to see if she was coming back to the house or not.
I said some uncalled for things, I know this. But damnit, why do I always have to be the good one. I been good all this time. I am entitled to be angry.
In response I get an email he is sorry and how he wants to get away so he cant hurt anyone else.
Where am I now.....
I am thinking, he is not clear about what he is really doing. By not telling her, and her suspecting, he is giving her confirmation to what she thinks. And this will be standing inbetween them. And if he does tell her, she will want to know the entire story. She is entitled to it. She will then discover that this has been going on for over a year, right behind her back. Not only while he was out of country, but even while he was at home and would sneak online every chance he had, when she left the house. She will discover that he has sent me money to cover the huge phone bills to call him in Iraq all the time. She will discover that he bought a new laptop for me, cause his Babes needs a decent one. She is not going to be satisfied with evasive answers. I dont blame her.
She will find out how much money he spent on flying to Germany, renting a car, and having a fantastic weekend. Having sex over and over again. She will ask what kind of sex. She will find out that I am so much younger than she is. And she is going threw menopause, thats going to be hard for her.
He is doomed if he tells her, and he is doomed if he doesnt. If there is counceling, any therapist will tell him, you have to be honest. If he isnt honest, she will always wonder. Never trust him again. And each time there is a disagreement, she will bring it up.
I never wanted him to leave her for me. But he did exactly that. That is what I am realizing now. I boosted his confidence, I stroked his ego til he thought, I can do this.
Now he is back home, its hard when we write to eachother. And yesterday, almost 3 weeks after he left from here, was the first time he signed on to msn. Like I said, the conversation was a desaster.
I go through the motions and am working on getting physically better. The emotional part is still suffering, but I have to do one thing at the time.
I can say to everyone whom is going through the same thing, going back to being friends is nearly impossible. There are too many emtions and memories of physical contact that will stand in the way. Its hard to give up completely, to let go. But its probably the best.
As long as you are in contact, he is not trying 100% and you are not healing 100%. I dont doubt that these men have genuine feelings for the other person. And maybe even stronger than those for their wives. But at the same time, they struggle with all that is new and all that is unknown. Back to the comfort zone. If they lived an unhappy life for so many years and didnt die from it....they know they can continue.
One could feel pitty for them........but then again.....why should we.
I do have plenty of clear moments, where I say to myself, are you insane, he does not deserve you. Thats the logic speaking. The heart doesnt deal well with logic.
Surround yourself with friends, go out, do something off the wall. Dont sit at home and suffer. Cause he is at home with the decision he has made. Supposedly happy with it. You are entitled to your own happiness and it cant be coming from him.
I am learning that myself right now. I am picking up the pieces and yes its a struggle. I curse him one moment, I miss him the next moment, I mourn the following moment. I check my mail all the time and say to myself, no I wont answer. And at the same time I am hitting the reply button already and am typing away.
And so far, its always been understanding emails, comforting him. What in the world am I doing? When I should be writing, look, you had me to give you one heck of a good time, til you realized, oh dangit, I have some responsibilities at home and you dumped me. I am the other woman, thats what I am. I never thought I would be in this position. Sometimes I feel its my payback for what I did years ago. I had an A and put that guy through hell with my constant back and forth. I couldnt leave and I couldnt leave him alone. Thats not a nice thing to do.
And here we are.....admit it, thinking, but oh I would be so much better for him. I could make him happy. I could be better than her. Its not being upity, its what we truly think. We think, how can he not want to be happy, he is so happy with me.
Truth be told, he doesnt want to. And thats why we are were we are.
I am beginning to feel immense guilt towards his wife. Regardless of what she has done or not done....him staying now with her, cause its the right thing to do, is slapping her in the face. She deserves to be loved and not be lived with out of obligation and weakness of her partner.
His life isnt so pathetic. Cause he got what he wants. Hers is a lie now. Because she is getting a partner whom still isnt honest with her.
I am sorry for the pain I have caused her and am still causing and will continue to cause over time.
Even if I go away, what has happened will not go past her without any damage.
Yall be good...and please, do better than I did. Not only for yourself, but for all those involved.
This thread hit home hard
You have very good insight wordmaster007. I
Thanks again to all of you. I talked to him for a while today and he made many comments about how he missed me and lots of sexual talk. I gave it back and he actually asked me when we were going to get together again. Hah!
Too bad this time he just wants me as a f**k buddy versus something more. And I truly believe he wanted more from me before too. I told him sorry but I needed more. I don't know if it's true but I kind of feel like I have the upper hand right now. I still hate the whole game and I'm not totally sure what I'm doing.
I guess I'm just hoping that if we keep talking, he'll change his mind. If he doesn't, there's nothing I can do about it but maybe just knowing that he only views me as a piece of a** will make me mad and help me to heal?
Oh, he also reiterated that he does love me and always will. This was after I told him that we were NOT going to hook up for just sex.
Wow, just reading what I typed is so confusing. I can't believe I'm in this place.
Pages