He had a light bulb moment
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|Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:31pm|
We snuck out today and drove out to the middle of nowhere to go on a trail ride. Some of the best conversations happen on the back of a horse. He was in an oddly talkative mood so I didn't bring up Friday's conversation about "the ties that bind". Suddenly he says, "I decided I'm going to talk to her after she gets back from her trip." I whipped my head around and raised my eyebrows but said nothing. He said he's tired of not mattering, of her not caring and thinking it's ok, of them having absolutely nothing in common and her never putting him first on anything. So at the end of October he's going to tell her she has until the end of the year to change things or he's leaving.
I just stared at him until he was done talking and then asked if he was serious. He was. I asked him if he was doing this for me. He's not. He's doing it for him. I asked him what he thought she would say or do. He has no idea.
I then told him that it shocked me because on Saturday I'd come to terms with the fact that he and I will never be more than we are now and that I was okay with that. I knew it would mean sleeping alone at night, not seeing him for days at a time, wondering if he's okay when he can't text back on the weekends. But in this moment, it was worth it completely. Then I asked him if, after hearing that, he still wanted to disrupt his stability at home. He just gave his horse a little kick and said, "Yep" as he trotted past. Damn, he's serious.
Now, whether he actually does it or not remains to be seen. I fully expected this to go down with us getting caught and getting the crap kicked out of me by his daughter, W, sister and sister-in-law's. Country girls are vindictive. They'll light your truck on fire if the desire moves them. So THIS scenario is much more preferable. I just never ever expected him to have the light bulb moment I had.
But check this out. I'm not fantasizing about how we'll move in together or how nice it'll be to be able to hold his hand and not worry that someone might see us. I'm staying in *this* moment.