He had a light bulb moment

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He had a light bulb moment
8
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:31pm

We snuck out today and drove out to the middle of nowhere to go on a trail ride.  Some of the best conversations happen on the back of a horse.  He was in an oddly talkative mood so I didn't bring up Friday's conversation about "the ties that bind".  Suddenly he says, "I decided I'm going to talk to her after she gets back from her trip."  I whipped my head around and raised my eyebrows but said nothing.  He said he's tired of not mattering, of her not caring and thinking it's ok, of them having absolutely nothing in common and her never putting him first on anything.  So at the end of October he's going to tell her she has until the end of the year to change things or he's leaving.

I just stared at him until he was done talking and then asked if he was serious.  He was.  I asked him if he was doing this for me.  He's not.  He's doing it for him.  I asked him what he thought she would say or do.  He has no idea.

I then told him that it shocked me because on Saturday I'd come to terms with the fact that he and I will never be more than we are now and that I was okay with that.  I knew it would mean sleeping alone at night, not seeing him for days at a time, wondering if he's okay when he can't text back on the weekends.  But in this moment, it was worth it completely.  Then I asked him if, after hearing that, he still wanted to disrupt his stability at home.  He just gave his horse a little kick and said, "Yep" as he trotted past.  Damn, he's serious.

Now, whether he actually does it or not remains to be seen.  I fully expected this to go down with us getting caught and getting the crap kicked out of me by his daughter, W, sister and sister-in-law's.  Country girls are vindictive.  They'll light your truck on fire if the desire moves them.  So THIS scenario is much more preferable.  I just never ever expected him to have the light bulb moment I had.

But check this out.  I'm not fantasizing about how we'll move in together or how nice it'll be to be able to hold his hand and not worry that someone might see us.  I'm staying in *this* moment. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:50pm

If he's wanting to lay it all out with her, he will.  It might not go down exactly as he's saying.  It took me a few weeks from my aha moment to actually verbalizing it with xH and then quite a while longer to actually leave.  IMO, he's been with her a long time, and expecting a change in a matter of a couple months isn't likely to happen.  I'm glad you're remaining in the moment and not getting too wrapped up in the outcome.  I wish xAP would have that conversation with his SO!!  It would make me feel much better about his choice to stay if I knew he was at least expressing himself there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:29am

Aw that is some exciting news! Of course, you never can predict what will happen (like what create said), but its great that he is finally deciding that this isn't the life he wants to lead. And he came to this decision all by himself, no pushing from you! Its always best this way, worth waiting for. You are doing everything right. keep living for yourself, put your happieness first, and enjoy the moments! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:54am

I never know know what to say to you exactly, but I would just encourage you to go back and follow some of the stories of women who have been on here for years in the archives.  See the patterns, understand what is part of the the A cycle, and what is unique to the R between you and him.  I'm really concerned that right now you are so caught up, and the scariest part is that you think you can control it.  Please take my advice and read so you can start to be more prepare about what an A really is.  It's not the movie version you are expecting it to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:13am
Jane tosses is a dose of reality, yes I know many will say "oh, but this a support board" and Jane, myself and other long timers in affair land have seen so much. No one in an affair wants to hear or absorb the possible realities. Instead they hope, just as we did that our affair was going to be more. I remember arguing with others as to how they just didn't understand.

I read these stories and come here hoping I can help and offer some tidbit to sooth fragile nerves and each time, I hope each fellow MASers affair turn out different and that somewhere in these stories someone finds that truly happy story they are looking for.

Cowgirl, I wish you that! You are in deep and the only way through is to forge forward and see where it goes. During my A my AP was leaving his wife and life behind him, each time he went back. Others have posted simular results. So until that paper is signed and filed nothing is complete.

An exit A does truly give some the courage to leave. Now, here comes my reality but- going from one relationship from right into the next or already in the process of the next, doesn't give a person space to heal, space to be themselves, space to reflect, a space to deal fully with all the aspects.

You are searching for the lost you, she is not inside your cowboy. Be true to yourself, build a life for you, a life with or without cowboy. Keep you heart and mind open. None of this is going to be easy. When he talks to his partner, be prepared things might get rocky, he is going to be kicking up a dust storm, there could be pain, anger, sadness and more. Who knows how his partner may react, no one can gauge another's reaction to having a life altering moment. Should they proceed in splitting he may have to pull away in order to preserve your secrets and to not let the fall out spread into your world. He may withdraw to deal with the new situation, do you know how he handles stress? Sounds like he maybe a bit of a loner, so just be prepared. You have no idea how this and even he will play it out.

Trust me with these following statements - Live for yourself, not anyone else. Be true to you and know your happiness comes from inside, not from those around you. They are additions to your inner happiness, not your happiness. Others are ours for a portion of our journey, they are not our journey.

Wishing you all your looking for! Hugs!

~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:45am

"   If he were to tell me today that he was going to stay with her and we needed to part ways, I'd respect that. "

And if he were to say that he wants to stay and keep the A on , will you continue the A and be happy forever ?